Last Act of Love from Me to You
Its been a long time since my last update, hence I want to keep this as my memories.
-- This is my last act of love toward a person who I love wholeheartedly. Never thought this day would come. I never expect that the ending of our fight was, he chose to be engage with someone else who he spent only a month. But things happened, I already makes peace with myself.
My current 400k project is still ongoing and in the verge of penalty, but for him. This is my last act--
- I must return all his belonging via post by this week as I was informed that he was gonna went onboard back again.
- To achieve item no 1, I must declare emergency leave and travel for 300km just to retrieve his belonging and settled this issue.
Its 6-am in the morning, I was getting ready, packed all my things up and started my journey. Through out the journey, my mind flew everywhere, I don't feel anything but I kept thinking the same thing. I was thinking how fuck up it was. I kept thinking what would be my life after this after these 4 years, waiting and waiting for the guy, but in the end I got nothing. I gave my all, that was my ultimate mistake. I see the potential in him and I was fully invested in him, never thought that one day I will be betrayed like this.
After this, he will get married, have kids, and the story goes on-- while me on the other hand, still grieving with my loss. My life stops at the point he make-up his mind to build up another life with another persona. How I wish he knew about how my mother blatantly or constantly blaming me over and over again after I told her he engage with another person. I was so overloaded with work and now adding, my own mother disappointed with me.
I am not a hateful or revenge person. I always knew about the ig stories that he upload, how he disrespected me, spreading hates like I was the one who engage with another person. I'm just tired, that's all. After 4 vessels, all the waiting that I did, I only took a break from him for months. And yet, betapa mudahnya he found another woman to replace me. I believe with Qada' and Qadr. I believe my rezeki will come. Should be 1411 days we are together but maybe God's has better plan for me.
To be honest, I am ikhlas with all things that I did for him through out our relationship. In my eyes, he still a little boy who needs guidance in his life.
I was there during him driving his Saga BLM.
I was there during his first interview with current company he's working right now.
I was there when he is taking the first step in his career.
I was there during his first experience went on board.
I was there when our alma mater invites him to give talk, I was the one who did his slide, bought him new shirt using my last allowance so he will look smart in front of the audience.
I was there witnessing him buying his first superbike.
I was there.
You know how broke your heart was, when you helped him built a foundation in life and career so he can one step ahead once a time. May everything he did in this life will remind him of me. Every time he looked at his wife or his kid one day, he always saw the glimpse of me at the back of his mind.
I arrived Johor at 12pm, I packed all his things up with the teddy bear beside me, the one he bought from Japan. At this time I am fully 100% conscious of what is happening. I already arranged his file months ago, when we were still contact. I went to the post office for the first time, I never post something in my life. The file was too big so the person-in-charge suggested me with the box that ended me with RM350. Itu pun ku ikhlaskan, asalkan sampai je la bang. Bak kata Muz, kita pulang cara baik.
And now, I am officially single. I have no planning in my relationship, its been months I am ghosting my own family as my mother kept pushing me to get married, also adding he kept asking about how I brought him to met her when in the end he married another girl. Sorry mother, I got no explanation left. For now I want to fix myself, upgrade my life and close my heart from any vacancy. My heart were in pieces, and I'm not intend anytime soon to fix her. I am 27 right now and I have to start from 0 back again. It is okay, that is my ujian for this year. I still sayang that guy but my mind create another hack, that the guy never sign off. He's somewhere on this earth, still onboard vessel and I'm waiting for him to sign off. I knew he will sign off and come met my parent to ask them permission to marry me. I will wait even though maybe I met him after this life. I'd knew that he will do that to me. This version of him is not real, he will not do me like this. One day.. that one day will come.
For the last time;
There is no word to describe how proud I am for you to achieve this level. From now on my tasks is done. Thank you for all things that you did for me and I am so sorry for all fight that we have been through and this last fight really end and cost us 4 years down to drain. - Deanna 2024
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