Baby Step

 I think I have a new title for myself, which is the 'Queen of Sabotaging' herself.

I'd see so many of TikTok's contents regarding fighting this hard feeling toward myself and others but seems I can't cope with this anymore. I mean, right now, I'm video calling niz but this sadness slowly consuming me inside out. I mean, the thought of being left or cheated is there.. adakah ini balasan buat kat orang? ha ha it's okay, if it happens, I just take it bravely.. I think I can accept that.. I'll continue most of my life.. alone. The terms alone I used here are regarding a partner. It's okay, I got friends that I can rely on. I can't afford to face any heartbreak right now. I need to focus on my future. My supervisor said the most important thing that you should focus on from now on is 'yourself'. You yourself that can lift you up, there's no one who would do that for you. 

'People can replace you but you cannot replace yourself.' I saw a word that said, your soul prayed for this life. So I decided to do the best in my life from now on. I want to make myself happier and better. I'm way too cute for being sad (#hidupkenayakin). Nowadays, if I'm having hard times.. I just smiled it off and just say to myself that you can go through this. Like Iem said, 

"it just a bad day, you can try it again tomorrow and don't make stupid things that you will regret it for the rest of your life." 

I just had a heart-to-heart talk with Iem regarding the future. I just said to him, Niz would be my last, if something happened, I would back off and stop trying in terms of a 'relationship'. Sometimes, I'm tired to be the one who is always giving, what does it feel to be the one who received it? Feels good? I don't know. 

Sometimes I just stared blankly at the walls inside my room thinking, I had already moved on but I missed the feeling that I used to feel. It was a good memory after all. I'm grateful to be able to get the chance, ntah lepas ni dah tak dapat rasa. You have to reserve the good spot in your heart, everything is not meant to be deleted. You need to remind yourself that you've had experienced the feelings. I'm sorry to myself for bringing up this topic, it's been a rough month for me to cope with these anxious feelings. To be honest, it is hard to console me. I kept telling myself that 

hey, it's okay you did your best, 

hey, it's okay to make mistakes, 

hey, you're doing good, 

hey, I'm proud of you.

But hey it's okay, I made progress. I managed to drive and did everything alone. I made a call by myself without asking for any help from others. Slowly but surely I'll defeat my social awkwardness. Pray for me okay? Is it I buat teruk again? Please tell I'm buat teruk. Is this the process of maturing? The tough process indeed huh. I've to cried 6 times a week just to be a bad bitch? It's okay... at least I look pretty when I cried (#yakinparttwo). 

Let's just go with the flow okay Deanna? Just enjoy things while they last. It feels good. Anyways, I can do better. I can be better.. 

for myself.