Guilt.

Hi, it's me again in another episode, ada apa lagi deno dalam kehidupan yang penuh cabaran ni sampai tahap kena update. Firstly, I would like to thank myself for managing to update once in a month. This February is quite hectic as final year project 1 started to kick in and everyone is in brainstorming mood to find ideal title that good or fair enough for us to hurt our brain. 

For now, for me, everything went well even though I'm not perform as Iem does. That guy really have to splurge out his essay every damn morning to our supervisor and there's me reading that.. wondering, do I missed something. That's the moment when I.. kind of panicking toward things that I don't have to. I'll continue babbling about my fyp next post because tonight, I want to rant about something else.

Today went well, as my whatsapp's group, the one without dila because, as insecure woman with mad woman DNA, we're afraid that she might be annoyed because we always spamming messages non-stop so it kind of appropriate to do a group without her. So far so good tak kantoi lagi Alhamdulillah. Okay so Ain asking for our (Muz and I) opinion regarding the dash cam that she want his bf to buy. Then, Muz also came with, 'hey what type of lipstick eh that nice on me? Nak pau (her fiance)'. At that exact moment, my brain be like.. 'hey, do you realize that when you're in relationship, you don't have the chance to ask this kind of question tou your friends?', and my heart be like, no.. not today. I'd to think about my pipe's dimension rather than thing in the past. Guess what?

Yes, I end up with this anxious feeling that consume me the whole day. I even felt a little shaking and short of breath. No, its not that I've that  but, I know this is something to do with panic attack. Actually I just had to cry but I won't. Why? Because my allergy's medicine is finished and I hate having runny nose throughout 2 days because of crying. My target this semester, only cry because of fyp. That subject deserve my tears. haih, I kind of.. want to keep this feeling but.. I still had that panic attack till night so better I just, luah kat sini je. Bukan ada orang baca kan? Its not like I envy ke apa seeing my friend's partner, buying them things once in a while. But terasa lah, all this times and effort that I wasted. Not a single moment I felt like they felt right now. Memang la belanja makan all those little things wayang tu, but in terms of.. 'things'. Am I materialistic? Am I too nice for not demanding things while I was in relationship?

I'd a long conversation in the group just now. My question was, what do you guys see in the past.. of me? And of course the answer is, really make me believe that I was built up in i3 processor. They saw me just following everything. Ye la every time I want to make a point, it's always me who brought up issues that.. ridiculous? I don't know. I think I'm too nice which.. it affect me now. Every night I keep wondering, sampai bila nak hidup cmni. Do I deserve something nice or not? Am I the only option in someone's life that he think that he shouldn't make an effort toward me? It just sad, I'm tired to be the one who find people and keep the conversation going to life. Even though I already break the cycle, this 'I'm not enough feeling' stay with me. But there's the bright side, which I can see that I'm blooming. Thanks to my friends who always be there for me, supporting every inch that I did. But none of them know that I actually trapped in my own dark bubbles which full of hatred. Like, I hate myself, why I can't be like other girl, who has someone that consistently spread their wings to the success. Fuh ayat. Nak award please. 

Apa nak dibuat. People will labelled me as the girl who left his ex di saat susah. Yeah of course, but no one knows why I took the leap of faith. Done everything, put 100% trust and believe that he'd bright future. It took a flash to destroy all that. Now this guilt feeling really haunted me. I become scared of losing people that I love. Even though the person is torturing my feelings, I still neglect that fact and I will just forget about my pain. As long that he/she not leaving me, it's fine. Sakit, memang sakit. but it took months to built up a strong person and I'm still trying.

I guess that's all I gotta say for now. I'm sorry if my writing hurts someone feeling but that what I felt. Hope you can understand.

Bye.