Am I?

 

Hello, this is me again. Yes the sad me looking for an escape from this world. 

Don't worry, I still bertahan tak nangis because still tak beli ubat.

These past 2 weeks were really taking its toll on me. I was so drain that I felt nothing anymore. I just shut myself out during past weeks. I made no progress for my research etc. while my friends is far away from me (in terms of progress). 

I don't know.. am I pushing myself too hard? By the way, last week I joined Nanie's google meet session because she was the emcee for the night. It was an easy topic about loving yourself, but through the talk I almost throw hand at someone because.. I can't stand fake ****h who just stole someone FYP's title and then claimed that no one wants to friend with her. I was like.. girl.. really? But I just kept my mouth shut because I know.. this mouth always created so much trouble in my life so, better be quiet. So I asked the speaker, 'how to know that our body is asking for a break?' The answer is, when you can't extract what you read anymore. So that's me.. for these past days. I don't know if I'm sabotaging myself or what. Or I just sad that I need someone to comfort me. I'm 'Words of Affirmation' type of person which I need to hear someone praising me or just tell me that I'm doing good.

Sometimes I just want to appreciate myself a lot more because I do have confidence that everyone craving for. I mean, if there's no volunteer to present something, I'll be the one who volunteered myself even though I knew, I will put pressure onto myself. But I never cared for myself lately, so I'm doing more than I should. The effect is, I'm suffering from all this overthinking. I'm thinking that everyone hates me, I'm annoying, I'm not qualified to be loved, I'm stupid etc. Its kind of.. pain that I've suffer alone. When I want to tell somebody, no one cared. Well I'm not surprised.

People will have time to tell you about their problems, what they did that day etc., but never make time or effort to comfort the person. I'm okay with that but it just.. quite harsh for me to accept it. I mean.. just tell me that I'm doing good, or telling you're proud of me. I'm afraid of asking for now because.. why would I asked this for myself. It is embarrassing. Me myself never proud of me. I keep destroying myself. People see me as someone who full with confidence boost, surrounded with good people, good at something etc., but do they really know that I'm in the verge of breaking down. Even I'm making progress, I'll tell myself that, 'stop it, this is ain't enough.. you procrastinate so much lol try again.' 

The person I talked about this was just Iem and he sent me audio notes which makes me teared up. I hate him. His words somehow comfort me as he said, 

'sokay deno, kau boleh buat.. buat slow2, jangan banding progress kau dengan orang.. nanti habis kuarantin kau consult la with lecturer, nanti pergi bengkel tanya technician.. kalau takde jugak, aku teman kau, kita gi survey kat luar sama-sama.' 

I hate myself, that simple word pun made me emo for the whole evening. The other problem is regarding relationship. I don't want to make a fuss about it lah but, I need some assurance. Even there is slight changing in text messages pun I will beat myself up with he's not into you anymore. I should be okay. I might not wanna saying this but, I asked everyday to God, if he's the one, then make him stay, if not just show me the way.. the way to kill him. No I'm kidding. I let it to God to determine who's my future but, I don't know why, even the littlest thing pun make me sad to the part that I want to cry my eye ball out. I should realize that I've no power in controlling someone's heart, that feeling can be cancelled out anytime.. and that was the hard part that everyone is scared off. Everyone kept telling me to just tell him but I chose not to. I don't have the courage anymore. People will ask you to understand them but they never realized that they never did the same. I'm okay because I accepted it.. that's the fact. You're busy? Okay I try to understand. You tak suka camni? Okay I try to improve etc. But still, did he even questioned me? 

Now you know, its not only people in my life who accidentally be the factor, it is myself itself who's trying to drown myself. This bitch doesn't even know how to swim. But still, no one even realize that people that are close to them is drowning in their own thought. I think I need some times to re-calibrate my thoughts. I'm the one who is capable changing this situation because no one care as much as I do. I always pray for someone else's life to be easy but I never do the same effort when dua to myself. 

Anyways..

I'm gonna be okay.

Kan.