2020 Reflections

Its been 2 months-ish since I last post something in my blog? Online class was a little bit hectic for me as most of the assessments requires us, the students to do in handwriting which took a long time and made my hand feels numb. 

All I can say , 2020 is full of unexpected events. Actually I want to do this recap in my journal but its been 3 days that I feel unmotivated, fatigue and not wanting to do anything in this life. Well, this is a lot to digest but yep, I.. am single again. Back to square one. After 3 years making memories, through ups and downs. Here we are. These past few days I'm crying, again and again. Even though it is not in my period time frame, everything that I do feels.. blank. I don't know what to feel anymore. Today, I'm not opening my social media account.. just checking my messages only. Just normal day, I 'layan' Ain with her never ending story including Muz. Some of the friends that I reached out after that 'thing' happened was Iem. I tried to make joke but he just, 'ko okay tak ni?' I was like.. of course I'm not? and sending him my puffy face selfie after crying. Of course-lah kena nangis tapi still kekalkan kejelitaan right? Okay I think that is enough, before I'm into round 40 of crying session this months.

All I did during the end of this year was, trying my best to complete my missions. I intend to finish my sketchbook but it seems like it.. I can't? Okay next I manage to finish my Julie and Julia book which took forever for me to finish because it all about cooking and my head seems hard to digest all those words, but hey I did it. Zarul must be proud of me.. kan? I shouldn't mention his name anymore... Okay let's try. So there's movie based on that book  and I finished watching this morning while sketching some flowers. It seems like I understand the movie more.. of course with the help of the book I read earlier. It was good movie. She managed to finished the cook book in a year with the supports of her husband and friends. Well, supports from people around us is important too, being alone is good but to have people supporting you is better. Okay this sentence I'll include in my 2021 resolutions. Right now I already moved to the Mortal Instruments series which I read quite fast. Maybe I'm fiction type of person.. or is it because I already watched it movies and throughout the reading I just imagine Lily Collins and others characters which helped me a lot in imagine every scene as it consist of dark world of magic kind of thing. I hope I don't overly attached to that book, or else, next year my friend will see my arm full of weird logos. #ytjt

Okay next is I'm doing marathon of Youtube videos as the last weeks of my semester 5, I didn't have chance to watch any video because my life was absolute chaos. So, there're more than 10 videos pending right now eek. Uhmm lagi apa eh... Oh I'm trying to teach myself to not bothering people anymore like.. I always get mad when people don't reply me or left me on read so.. todays is day one deno won't give a damn about that. Sampai bila nak hidup berpaksikan validation other people, I guess my if you want it, go for it phase is already over.. in terms of people lah not my impian all that. I'm not saying that I'm meeting someone new.. it's just.. trying to adjust myself with this new situation.. not new lah just back to normal which is 3 years ago. I don't have someone to call every night, sharing my day, or just showing him what I found that day which is interesting. Okay the tears nak buat comeback so I'll change the topic now. 2020 is weird you know. But I'm glad to enjoy my last bit of happiness with my friend, Ain. During final, we both will go for a walk at 6pm around campus and talk about a lot of things while catching some Pokemon. I do realized at that time my heart felt like there's a massive hole that I don't know how to fill it in. So I just tried to content myself with good food with kind people such as Bad, Mazwan and etc. Wait what my title was again? I think I'm writing things that doesn't have to do with the title lol. Macam la ada orang baca your blog deno. Okay lets proceed.

I think I should applied this social media things in my 2021, it felt somewhat good? to not checking on others once in a while. Like, I really do have activities that I can occupied with which is good sign. I can entertain myself. Actually I can do everything by myself but yeah, I used to rely on others but this time, you got to do it by yourself. It's okay deno, you can do it. It doesn't that bad if you fail. Life is not always perfect. My perfectionist sometimes killing me like if I managed to draw something, I'll give it up halfway because it is not good like other people but then I realized, journal is something for you to make mistake. Wrong shade of color? just do it, no one judge you. 2020 really taught me that being hardworking is important in life, the level of procrastination in me is very dangerous. How many project was back dated? Lets try again for 2021. 

I think I was babbling to much in this post about things that is un-related to the title... Honestly I feel bad. Well I think this is my last post for 2020. See you in 2021 to whoever read this post.  I'm sorry to myself for not updating that much in 2020. It just,, such a roller coaster. Well, there'll be sunshine after rain. And this covid thingy seems nowhere to end their tour but the vaccine had been announced which is good? I think. 2020 definitely a history that we'll tell our grandchildren. How we struggle online class, how we fake ourselves when Dr. Reduan asked, "why all your answer very similar to each other.?" Of course we don't know! 

Okay that's all. 

Bye!

Life is painful, growth is painful and change is painful, but in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you don't belong. - Angel Chernoff and Marc Chernoff