It came.

 

It all started with everybody in this house not wishing her birthday and suddenly I feel like I'm < 12 years old again. Yeah it means she did trigger my post-trauma and everything re-surface back which making my head hurts like a mf. Everybody around me just kept telling about just wished her, or seek for forgiveness etc. Easy for them not for me. I felt like a giant barrier for me to overcome it. Yes, I'm mad too. I'm mad about how she expect me to be like someone's else daughter who closer to their parent. When she talk about how I have a cold hearts for not remembering my sibling's birth date, my mouth just shut, holding my inner arguments which could lead me be sent to hell right away. That's when I knew everything re-surface back again. Look, I was raised in strict and stressful household, plus being the eldest child make everything worst as your parent don't have the skills to manage a child yet at that time. I grew up with my parent screaming at my ears for tiny mistakes which makes my anxiety spikes high. I grew up in scared condition, wondering what my future would like. Never once in my life I wish I was staying here with them, that's why I chose marine as my path which I will chose to go onboard. Leaving all this behind for some times. But the way she talk about 'cold heart,' makes me want to puke. I want her to know that she created that, she's the creator of my cold hearts. I heal myself. I solved all my problems by myself with the help of my friends. Then she want to use the 'I buy you food etc' card. I think that is basic necessities for raising child and it shouldn't be used as guilt trapping.

I was planning to ease a little bit with her and then boom. This happened. I can't break the barrier. Well, I guess my little me did use Titanium for its material. Heat resistance and high strength. The answer for her question would be.. why would I remember details about everyone while no one cares about me since the beginning. Is it I'm holding grudges? I don't know but I want her to take all these responsibilities for making me like this. You know what I found on pinterest? It said that these trauma make the child stop loving themselves. aha How I can remember vividly about killing myself so I don't cope with all of these anymore? Can you imagine? A kid can think about killing themselves at that young age. Is that normal? They are lucky because young me still have the motivation to see what would happen in the future, and still thinking about the aftermath in Islam. 

Now, when that child grow up, they expect that everything in the past would be forgotten and the child will live like normal people. They are not. It is not forgotten, its just being hide or keep in the zip folder, waiting for something to trigger them off. That's why my 'don't give a fck personality' is born. I don't have any empathy left toward people in this household. I don't know why it is so hard for me to ask for forgiveness or something like that. I just felt like.. I'm neglected. No one in this house ever saying sorry for me. I console myself. Then, the audacity to say that I cared about my friend more than them. Well of course, I bottled up my feelings all this time and the time that I let it out is to my friends. Do they deserve to be in my hearts? yes of course.

Sometimes the rebel in me keep questioning but, I'm only normal human being, who is obeying to her God. I wonder why in this issues, people keep blaming the child, not the parent. Does a child have no rights in his/her life so their parent can do everything to them. The thing with verbal abuse is, people just tell you to suck up their words and try to be better next time. That never ending cycle is so tiring. Whoever who's gonna be parent. Just look at me. I'm the product of toxic household. I know disciplining a child is not an easy thing but, I ask you to practice balance. Say sorry if you acknowledge that you're wrong. Bottling up feelings is not good, as the child grow older.. I'm scared that feelings would be grudge that would drown them in their own world. I was lucky because I manage to cope with the feelings well. I promise to my younger self that bigger me would be so good that I will finally stepping out from this environment. But bigger her still contemplating in finishing her assignment.. aish!

Every time I want to make everything right, I would imagine my younger me is in front of me. It make me think like, is this what she want? After she endured it for so long? Does she want to let go? You know when my mum spit those words, I don't feel anything anymore, I don't feel sad, angry or scared. I felt like I used to be in this condition so why would I care. Its been 3 days since I don't have proper meal. If she don't want to feed me then its okay. I'm used to it. Ego? I don't think so, it something that.. maybe me myself is still scared to cross that mother-daughter boundary. It is a scared phase, if I cross that boundary, it means that everything that she did to me before this is allowable. I know la the truth is I'm a coward. But she created me. She have to endure having a child who have no ability to share her problems, to talk about various things etc. I still felt awkward every time she hug me or wishing my birthday, because .. why would she changed now? The damage is already done. I'm not blaming my mom only, my father have to take full responsibility too as he just acting like a by-stander. Maybe I can count worth my finger about how much he stop her from torturing me. Anyways, can you guys imagine, it's been 5 years the verbal abuse went slowly and fading, and I'm still in recovery mode? It took a lot of time to fix this mental health damage, by myself. I don't have therapist, I only had my friends. 

All I want to advice is, please don't tell people like me to suck up and live my life or, forgive and forget. You'd no idea what my younger self had been through and I'm still healing. Just tell me that you're gonna be on my side and help me when the healing process is disturbed. People see me as someone who don't have big things to cope with, I want them to know that, I'm battling until now. Keeping the lid of the bottle is so hard. If one day the bottle shattered in pieces, I think that time, it would harm physical me and I don't want that to happen. 

So is it my fault for being hard to my mum? Am I just being extra? Should I forgive and forget? Am in being ungrateful?