x_ff

I feel like I ain't special enough in someone's life. 
Now what? After all these thimgs that someone ever do in your life.. it ain't enough? 
Honestly, I just want to be 'that' person. 
That person that she/he will contact when they can't sleep at 3am.
That person that she/he shared their problems.
That person who always had people listened to them passionly and not only say 'then?' while their eyes locked on their screen's phone.

And that person will never be me.
She/ he find another girl/guy instead.

And then, the fingers will always point at me.
I'm the one who didn't put too much efforts.
I'm the one who didn't care enough.
I'm the one who play the victim.
The problems came from me.

The moment when you decided to hide what  you've been doing. That's the moment I can feel that I might losing that person soon. 


Today,
I feel nothing.
Reminding myself about what I wrote 4 months ago,

   ' you'll fall hard'

hahah what goes around comes around right deanna?

I've been knowing all this for a long time.

hahah It's hard to be me.
Always seeing things that I don't want to see/face in this life.
Girls,
they always knew what you did, we just keeping it silent. Keeping the stuff inside our heart. Let it consumes ourself. And then we cried every night hoping the next morning the bad memories will gone.

you're my sweetest downfall.

I love you first. 

Transition

#throwback when syazarul put me in his car boot.
    Once again, I'm so sorry about being inactive lately for this past 2 months. Overall, my third semester was a disaster. Your home girl fcked her GPA and not forgetting CGPA too. Screw those 2.89 and 3.34. I'm in semester 4 already for a week and I can feel those heat that I'm gonna be dead meat this semester. I've 7 papers this semester and I'm 'extra' fine. *sipping tea in a burning house gif*. No more chilling for this now on. No more yolo. No more fun. No more... Gonna start hustling early this time, #studyeveryday lol pray for me. I can sense the fear of studying just by looking at the subject's full name;
naval architecture 2
applied thermodynamics
steam turbine
diesel engine
marine auxiliary 2 
ship materials
intro to entrepreneurship 

    wow there're a lot of stuff to read this year.. and again...  *sipping tea in a burning house gif*. My schedule are packed this semester but luckily, I don't have any class at night so I can rest peacefully. 

    So I did mention about losing weight for 1000th times already aite? Yesterday, I want to cancel my joging session until I read Izza's post about her new resolutions. 
'Enough of somedays, I want to reach my full potential today. And I want to start working on myself today, and every day that comes after.  ' 
    She's right tho. I lost counts on how many times I told myself about one day I will do this, that and so on. So I got ready and started joging yesterday. No regret. I thought I lose both of my legs but I'm fine. But still no regret tho. Joging alone. Nothing and no one bothers me anymore.  I started to control my eating a bit since my stomach already reaching for the stars as it went makin ke depan. #boroiproblems

    Apart from that, lately, I've been doing all things by myself.. I mean when my boyfriend is not around, there's only me. I got me for life sort of. Day by day my circle got collapsed. I don't trust people around me anymore. Whether they just taking advantages on me or whatsover. I just.. enough. I don't need this type of people in my life anymore so I decided to stay away a bit from them. Sometimes I just don't understand people, what did I do that I deserved this punishment. Being in relationship with Zarul is such an eye opening. It was hard. Lose a lot of people. When things went wrong, it's always him where I find my comfort. Choosing him was easy than people out there to tell my problem, rant about everything, and so on but most of the times asyik jadi dinding kena tempias my anger. Sorry baby . *cries @ penjuru katil*

    This semester, Iman and I are best friend forever. Both of us face the same problems, being judged for everything. But it's okay. Already gained my confidence to face the world. So.. where's my shield? I do everything for myself. My happiness is more important than others. I'm not afraid anymore if I'm being judged or scared ; thinking I'm alone without any friends. Rather have 2 friends than untrustable circle. I don't need friends who make me feel bad about myself 24/7 or questioning everything that I did.

May the bridges that I burn light the way; 

    There're a lot of posts that I wish to publish but haih,, the story line is a bit messy and I'm so fed up. *hentak kaki* so here's the posts that I hutang with my blog

- My birthday suprise
- WOW intake July
-Akmal's open house
-catching up with secondary school's mate
-hangout with fika & aiman

If I got the chance.. I'll update more about it.
See you later xdwx