Its been 2 months I didn't update. Its been a hectic semester for me tho.. and the pain doesn't end yet. I'd still remember on 16+ weeks onward, my classmates and I had to deal with a lot of assignments, quiz, tests, mini project, report and so on but in the end, its all worth it. I've been dealing with a lot of stresses and somehow I feel bad for myself. How could I do that? I always keep reminding myself about NOT to do last minutes work but nah.. still in the same phase. Luckily there's Zarul to help me going through all of that. Zarul is one of the tabah people around me right now.. I always throw tantrums at him whenever I'd to face some kind of bad days and etc. Thats why I love him so much *cries at the corner of my room* I just turned into 20 years old last 12 days ago and on that day, I'm the happiest. He's with me throughout that day and he kept suprising me.. ''non stop'' . I don't know what I did this whole time to receive that kind of treat. I'll update about what happened during my birthday, don't worry, I already saved the memory in my journal so I just had to flip it all back to refresh how that day was going.
Ramadhan this year, I learnt more about people around me. The one who really there to help and the one who stand as 'friend' in my contact list only. But let just forget about that since it is not worth my time to write about it. Overall, I literally spent most of my Ramadhan this year with him and I don't even feel bad about it. Why would I feel bad to spend my time with him? He's one of the (not so many people) who doesn't make me feel bad about myself. Besides, Iman and I have been besties since couple days ago. We teamed up together, do all the assignments and stayed up all night just to finish our last minutes report. Procrastinating at our best. My mock interview videos had settle. Thanks to Iman for having such patience dealing with me.. dealing with my terrible singing and dancing talent. fun fact: If I was in a video, I'll not watch them. Ever. Video time semester 2 subject mandarin pun tak penah tengok.
I do write 'pain don't end yet' sentence on my first paragraph aite? so my university thought its gonna be cool to put study week on the same week as Hari Raya Puasa. Cool right? To be honest, I do have major problems with Static, Auxiliary and Thermodynamics subjects. I just.. I don't want to fail again. I always let myself down with my attitude. Its always the same problems thats haunting me since last semester. huwargh I gotta change myself for real next semester as next year its gonna be my last year for my diploma and I want good cgpa and everything. Deanna.. please.. change your attitude or you'll end up hating yourself like you did last time. I just review my exam slip and.. my seating for thermodynamics is #1. The closer to the door, the faster you can run from junior that see you as senior repeat hahah.
So just wish me luck guys.. I need those luck and good vibes right now. 'Raya every year but CGPA maintains forever'. Hopefully there're no unwanted things happened during this peak times and may no bitch ever come close to my boyfriend as I'm exhausted from mental koyak lately. Please don't. Find your own mates sis fuh fuh fuh.
sorry for quick updates, will come back as soon as I finished my finals. muah xoxo
24 Jun 2017
22 Apr 2017
|Ain, Mirul,Acha, Bad, zarul|
So, let’s talk about the orienteering event that I mentioned in my last post. This event was an event that changed my game forever I thought I can do the running guys but nah hahah joke on me.
Before we departed from our uni, I went out with Zarul that evening around 6pm-ish with his friend to send some stuff and then we grabbed some food. It’s around 7pm when I arrived at my room and the frustrating fact was I’m not packing yet... double thumbs up for myself. Do I need someone to lecture me about last minutes thingy? No I don’t because Zarul did that earlier. I did the packing stuff on time and I’m so proud of myself for not taking forever to get ready. (that day only). Zarul waited for me at the gate and we walked together to the place that we’ve been told earlier. Not forgetting the secret recipe’s cake that I got from Kak Oya. Before I left my room, Kak Oya approached and hands me the cake as yesterday was her birthday and my lazy DNA won’t turn back to my room to get a tupperware so I can give a slice to Muz. Muz redho and just asked me to take both slices BUT she wants replacement for that one slice of cake so I just said yes. (I’m typing this out so I won’t forget about my promise that I’ve made or else I gotta sleep at the outside of our room).
After settling with the form, we went into the bus. Ain, Mirul and both of us sat in the same row so be prepared for exciting adventure. The funny things is, I remembered about the trip that we went to Melaka for a camp and I sat beside Muz while was all alone. I remembered how hurt it is when my hearts screamed that I WANT TO SIT BESIDE HIM but I can’t. That time baru pegang status skandal kan nk buat gena hm. But now, dreams do come true guys, we sat beside each other. Achievement unlocked. I slept on his shoulder most of the time so who need pillow anyways when you got your boyfriend’s shoulder.
We arrived at UTeM after spending hours on the bus. That morning was started with team’s registration. Nama team shafla detura weh even Mukhlis don’t want to mention that name haha. I think I was high during picking that name for orienteering. #noturningback . The replacement for Muz and Iem’s team was Mirul’s friend. (acha and bad) After warm up our bodies, we were getting ready for pelepasan mix category. The fun part was... a team supposed to have a guy and a girl but bad luck for acha and bad... had to join the pelepasan haha gay alert. The first checkpoint was the chancellery building and what did they expect from us ? we don’t even know the where the building located but we just follow team depan. Not even 30 minutes running... seorang deno yang berwawasan tinggi pancit uolls. Selalu jogging kawasan flat je, situ berbukit and my legs can’t handle that so I just made cute face to Zarul hoping that he will understand me but nah...kena bahan citer dia. After arrived at the chancellery building, they gave us the map and we must planned carefully because there’re 20 checkpoints that needs to be done.
We collaborated with Ain and Mirul’s team.. too bad that Ain and I couldn’t run anymore because their uni’s parameter are huge. So, we just walked and talked like there’s nothing happened while our boyfriend works hard to find all those checkpoints haha (must urut them for the hard works that they did). We find the checkpoints together until Ain need to rest because she’s exhausted so I told zarul that I wanted to continue this race. (sebab nak smpai cepat punya pasal and that was the moment where you can test your partner hahah). I did ran with him because sebagai seorang bakal isteri yang selalu menyokong suaminya dari belakang.. I must ran with him. MUST. But most of the time he asked me to wait somewhere while he’s finding the checkpoint. (menangis terharu di bucu katil). There’s one time where I already thinking about giving up but he decided to hold my hand while running. Hope jeles guys. So, I was holding his hand most of the time until the end. The maximum time that they gave us was 2 hour and 30 minutes but during pelepasan, we set our timing. Guess what ... both of us finished at 2 hour 22 minutes. 8 minutes remaining. Anything is possible okay. Zarul asked me to cool down first before sit. I was so thirsty that I belasah 2 cup of redbull that day. #healthylyfe #fitforlyfe
The closing ceremony was about to start while Mirul’s arrived with his body was soaking wet. He said that he was so frustrated (can’t find the checkpoints) so he jumped into the lake nearby. Nice. All of us got medals which is nice and I can riak in front of my parent. So there’s lucky draw at the end of the ceremony so guess what... your girl ... yup this girl... got lucky that day. When they mention my number... I just like... eh, number aku kan tu then I stood up and asked ain for double confirmation and yup.. I’m lucky. I got hamper , that was the reason why everyone were targeting me.. for free food.
|The finisher's medal|
|low quality pic|
|Amer (Recom's president)|
We went back to our uni at 2pm-ish. Overall, even though there’re some incidents that made 4 of us hate and anti to that one guy... this was the great memories that I ever had. First event for Zarul and me as a team. I can see how patient is he melayan all my mengada and whatsoever. Thumbs up for Mukhlis as the program director and UTEM for this momentous event. I lost 1kg which is not bad hahah 13km lari bhai. Haha so that’s all about my last event. Zarul is at Jerai right now for GPMS’event. Hiking Gunung Jerai. He’s gonna be back on Sunday. Keep praying that his legs are tough to get to the puncak.
|muka barai lepas race|
Have a great Saturday guys.
Till we meet again hee bye.
|p/s: little update|
9 Apr 2017
Ok maybe the last post is a little bit overrated so let’s just forget about it. Phew so it's already April. Time flies so fast aite? Actually, I'm really exhausted because this week is hella crazy. It’s all started on Friday. What's Friyay to me every week? None because this girl is a little over-active with her life these days. So I don't have any class on Friday but Muz told me that she wanted to send Sam off at bus station and I said I wanted to accompany her. That Friday morning I went to the library.. sort of acah study a bit but I just scrolled my phone, liking instagram's picture and other stuffs. Then I got messages from Ain, she said she was at cafe so I went to join her. We'd a little convo and Amirul joined us too. She got class at 10am so I don't have to worry leaving her alone there. (she's a little bit mengada when that time of the months arrived so I don't mind).
Muz picked me up after she finished her class and we started our journey. (Iem joined us too). The original planned was to send Sam at Pantai Remis but then his bus is not arrived yet so.. we decided to send him at his mum's school terus. Last minute planned always working guys. Always. After lunch at Taiping, we went back to uni and arrived at 1pm-ish but we're still hungry that we grabbed slurpee and hershey's ice-cream. I killed my diet guys. Rest well buddy. You'll be missed by me.... Do you think my journey end there? of course not.. after Muz parked at Armada 2.. this girl.. yeah your favourite girl is on fire.. which is me.. went to my boyfriend's car because we'd movie date with his friends. If only I knew about the word 'rest'.. definitely I would spend my evening on my comfy bed but haa nope. I choose my boyfriend over bed. #heislucky #wheretofindgflikeme We watched boss baby and Ain was right. That movie is actually good and the characters are so freaking cute that I was like 'awww' the whole time but I acted like nothing happened because zarul will actually bahan me for that so its a no. After movie, we'd a little date (we sent off his friends at armada and went out again) and having a fun convo.. its not a conversation actually, its more to bahan the wechat's couple. I can't dohh.. just by thinking of them make me wanna laugh. Like.. haih mudah terhibur betul lah.
Finally neno knew about getting tired so I arrived at my room at 8pm-ish that somehow I got Iem's messages about Anis's programme at 9pm. Lina asked us who joined the night trail to gather at 10pm so I joined Anis's programmed for a short time because I'd only 1 hour with them.
You can see those photos (my hiking and Anis's leadership programme at my instagram).
Pheww so that's my activities for this weekend. I only slept for 2 hour guys. *pat myself *
You know.. even though I'm exhausted and need some good sleep.. I still want to meet him tho even he's kesian at me but sayang I don't care haa gittew.
You know what I've been thinking these days.. thinking about how lucky I am. I read my journals every day. The day I fall for him thinking maybe its just normal crush and I can't get him because maybe he got a gf whatsoever and then the next page.. boom he's my boyfriend now. kelakar kan #fattahaminlovers The fun things.. my feelings towards him don't fade I mean dude... I'm obsessed with this guy that my wallpaper, the back of my phone's case, and my journal is full with his face. Is it too over? hmm I can't help myself tho the hardwork that I did to attract his attention is phenomenal such as tried to get close with him, acting like I accidentally sent the wrong messages at him and others. omg I'm so embarassed thinking of what I did. kelakar kan its actually paid off. So girls, work hard okay but don't with others bf or what.. know your limit.
Every time I went out with him, it legit feel like it is our first time. Like the first day we met. I still got butterflies in my stomach tho every time he kissed my hand whatsover and my mind would say.. congrats gurl, this guy is yours.. for real. I should celebrate for this.
But after all this time, I guess maybe things happened at the right time because right now I try to live my life well.. if he does something that I don't like.. i choose to keep quiet. (if he saw this he will reply.. 'she choose to flight mode her phone for an hour actually'). Because I think.. its not worth to fight over little things because in the end of the day.. I'm the one who'll search for him because seorang wanita yang berwawasan 2020, berdikari dan mampu berdikari atas kaki sendiri need her man too. (facepalm). When was in my 1 series age.. (14 and above lah sekarang dah 2 series = 20). I want my man to keep my sticky notes that I give to him and the day of our perkahwinan he'll open the box that contains all of my notes throughout the years. If it happen to me.. omg he's the real deal tho but I don't put high hopes over this because that was my angan2 palsu back then. hahah I should sign in into joke's contest guys because I'm too funny.
Anyways, I'm hoping that this April month will be a good month to me and everybody. Pray for my tests this week to haih gonna hustle more. Oh and happy birthday to my brother, that Irfan one. Already 15 years old haihh. he's getting older tho.. and taller..... great.....
Hee till we meet again.
p/s: my whole body is still sore that zarul might piggyback me during orienteering next week. Pray for his back, muscles, bones and other joints.
11 Mar 2017
people who we thought that he/she gonna support us might be the one who brought us down.
People keep leaving.
and I keep staying.
After all, me myself are the one who have to be strong to face this challenge.
I'm tired of crying in my bed. People said that I'm ego but did they know I'm the broken ones all this time?
Every kindness that I've made.. and people keep remembering my faults.
I can't do that, I can't go out with this guy, I can't everything.
As a start, I'd deactivated my main instagram, twitter and facebook accounts.
Because I need a damn break from this world.
I need to find myself back. I miss deanna. I miss how strong she is when the world is against her. I miss how she won't lose the battle between herself and the demon. I miss how she don't give a damn fuck towards people who's hating on her.
I miss her.
For now, people keep saying the wrong things about me because they all good at assuming. Very damn good. So I decided to stop. Stop what I am doing right now. Stop going out with him. just stop.
Just call me with the bad names because no one will truly knows me well.
They said that they were always there for me if I had a problem, people have their own problmes too. haha at least you got someone to tell to.
I just met someone who I can be myself and tell my own problems but the world won't approved him.
Why me? Why him?
They said I'm the ego one. I don't know what they want from me? what they expect from me?
I am at my lowest right now without nobody here supporting me except that guy.
To that guy, I'm sorry. I can't fight with these people. Their voices consuming me. I'm in cage right now.. afraid to step outside. I lied to you. I cried last night that's why my eyes swollen pretty bad. They hurt me again.
I'm too fragile now. I'd enough already.
Maybe if I dissapeared, they might reach the peace that they want.
Let me be the one who back off.
I'm not worth their time anyways so why would I bother.
So it's a new headstart. New blog's domain.
With this post. I try to get back up and keep focusing on myself.
I won't let this negativity hold me.
To the people who think they're still my friends, just let me be. let me keep destroying myself as I want to create a new one. the stronger one.
To him, I'm sorry. I wish we had something together but the world are against us.
To my boyfriend, keep breaking my hearts so I won't miss you anymore.
To my parent, I'm sorry for not being your great daughter.
To my brother and lil bro, I'm sorry I can't be your good sister, don't make me your role model.
To my grandma, I'm sorry I can't be your favourite grandchild.
because after all, I'm the bad ones in this story.
1 Mar 2017
It’s 6 hours journey from Kota Tinggi to Kuala Lumpur. We arrived at TBS at 4am-ish. So we decided to take a quick sleep to boost up our energy for that day. Next, we went to Surau to perform our Subuh prayer. Orang ramai takyah citer lah. The surau was so packed with people. Luckily Muz and I got our spot. After that we went to get our breakfast. We waited until 7am-ish. Next, we bought our ticket straight away to avoid any unwanted incident during the last day. After that we called our uber. First time uolls guna uber. The service is quite nice compared to taxi. Moreover, it is Nissan Almera’s car. Jaw-dropped terus hahah. Such a comfortable ride going to UniKL BMI (British Malaysian Institute). Actually BMI was too close with UIA. I planned to meet Anis but the timing don’t let me meet Anis. So close yet so far. It’s been a year since we’d met. I’ll try again later to meet her. I miss her so much mann.. Damn.
We’re the first one to arrive. So early meh. Then we got this crazy idea. Our classmate, Khalish stay at KL. After 30 minutes negotiate with him, we decided to meet up at MidValley. We arrived first, Khalish said he got some small problem with the LRT delay. So Muz and I took a walk around MidValley. Talking about financially stable... I bought Muji’s notebook and lipstick. Lulz. We waited for Khalish at 4 fingers. We’re about to leave when Khalish arrived. Poor little boy hahah. We managed to take pictures with him and waited for him. Then we’d to leave because the event is about to start. Grand entrance uolls haha the event already started. Oh the event’s name is TOT WOW-C 17 (Training of Trainee Welcoming Orientation Week Crew 2017) (for those who want to be fasi, you must joined this program first). (semangat itu penting ye anak2 for this type of event, rasa malu kena buang jauh ke dalam laut).
We proceed with team’s leader. I was in the same group with Tun whose Mimet’s student too but I never realized his existence so basically I’m all alone. (Had to separate with Muzzy muzzy hmm). There’re various student from unikl in our group. Our group’s name is Bumblebee. Later that evening, we’re having ice breaking session. We had to prepare our long-chant and short chant, team’s flag and song. It was a chaos session because of the time limit. Our flag had a bee on it. Our team’s song is Madu di tangan kanan and racun di tangan kiri song. When the presentation part, our team messed up as saka salah sebut.. Instead of Bumblebee, he mentioned about Kasturi. Celah mana kasturi taktau. Hahah. Posing semua dah lawa tapi ttiba datang kasturi. Saka gonna live by the name kasturi for 3 days. Poor him. Later that night, we proceed with the orientation modules. It’s all about mental booster. Haih so lucky this year intake... During my time, the orientation is all about ragging. Bad luck. Haha but it’s okay.
I don’t know how to feel about their shower. As I turn on the shower and the water reach my skin... It was hell on earth. It felt like my body was lift to the heaven. Sejuk nak matey nokrom. How on earth the student here take a bath during finals. Not forgetting the height of the sink. The sink is at the level of my chest. I brush my teeth sambil jengkek kaki. This experienced make me insof sebab kutuk uni sendiri. That morning, we’d zumba and I messed up the step 99% including doing poker face because I don’t how they do the step. For the whole day we’d group activities and sharing ideas with different campuses. Alhamdulilah. My group was quite sporting and I’m comfortable with them. All of them had their own experience handling WOW’s event and there’s me and Tun not knowing anything and tried to learn. Tun was quite hyper too.
|greetings from mimet (akmal,aqim,tun,biqi)|
The next day, (as usual, gotta face the water from Antarctica in the morning ). That day was filled with the modules. To avoid all of us suffering from sleepiness and bored virus... The management held bom kalabom’s game where we’d to attack other’s team sambil point fingers at them. Our group won 2 times and lost at last because of the miscommunications but it’s okay.#sayangteam #soproudofmyteam We’d a lot of fun times together. That night, we’d learnt about doing CPR and saving people from choking. Tetiba teringat, during my form 2, I went to PBSM’s camp and we’d to do cpr at the doll.. kt mulut dia okay. Sakit beno dada time tu because we’d to make sure his tummy gerak (means udara kita sampai kt perut dia lah). We gotta do it to get our certificate. (I didn’t get mine lol ; failed)
The last day was a quite sad. Saying goodbye to my new friend wishing we’ll meet them again soon. We took our picture together. Doing boomerang together. Sharing the hamper. Missing you guys. Hoping to meet you guys again later! (yen, iemran, min, saka, sha, mus'ab, ifah, alif, ridzwan, una, paq, bai, syida, amirul,kila, sha, que)
|ootd sekali nokss|
|tun and yen (team's leader)|
|tun again -_-|
|ifah and min|
Muz, Cikman and I reached at TBS at 7pm-ish. Muz’s bus is at 9.45pm while mine is at 10.45pm so I asked Pael to accompany me. Lucky he said yes. (Happy tears falling from my eyes). After Muz’s left, Pael went to KFC as he’s hungry and I waited for him. Sweet tak sweet baq hang dia tolong suap aku makan. My tummy already full with 2 plates of passemboq (lagi satu muz tak habiskan so her beloved roommate tolong habiskan) (bff goals checked). Dia suap aku smpai aku surrender. During the waiting hour, he will make an effort to make me forget about the time but sorry baby. I miss home. He helped me carrying my bag that have the same weight as the baby elephant. Thank you baby. (Happy tears falling again).
I slept throughout the journey... Waiting patiently to arrive Perlis. I miss my parent.
27 Feb 2017
After having a very short semester break..
I’m heading back to uni for orientation week. Dah jadi akak fasi uolls with contract setahun. (don’t know whether it is the good or bad thing). My bus was at 9am and mum sending me to the bus station. A little bit sad to leave her actually because I do miss her everyday lately hmm. For the first time of my life, the bus that I took don’t have any other passenger so I’m all alone. I kept telling myself it’s okay as maybe there’re people at Alor Setar but… there’s only… one.. Person... Who got into the bus. #denoredho
I just acted cool, listening to Spotify as I’m the premium user right now *flip hair*. RM15 actually worth it.
And it was the first time for me too to take the cab to go to uni. I lost count how many times my mum call me to make sure no one kidnapped her daughter. (Usually, my family would send me to uni instead of taking the bus). I arrived at uni at 4pm-ish and I contacted Akmal because he’s the one who’ve the hostel’s key and there’s a monkey. I’m already felt the adrenaline rush because monkey is one of the ‘puaka’ animal here. At last, we’re fine as the monkey don’t attack us.
Felt so weird at first because it is the first time we changed armada.. from 3 to 1 (dahulunya hostel lelaki). Redho je la nk bt cmna. We started meeting the next day and getting to know each other. We started to tidy up the mess that had been created during last semester. We moved from one location to others and doing multitasking. Naik lori together haha it is fun actually. (ada kat sanpchat I semua video tu). Next, all of us with Madam Sara and other uni’s staff tolong pasang besi langsir. First time jugak buat benda alah ni. If my mum knew about this, she might have those trust issues because when I’m at home.. I’m the useless daughter they ever had. After that, we climb up the window to attach the curtain. So gayat I told you. Next, we brought the chair from ground floor to second floor and doing other stuff.
|team pasang langsir|
Dhia and I already felt the tiredness so we decided to do mini adventure in armada 1, we went to the top floor and the view was amazing. Then we shouted at the people down there... there’re Akim,Akmal, Tun and others.
The orientation started 2 days later on Sunday. I was in charged in PK1 for registration. Later that evening, our wow event started. Our ice-breaking session is the most masuk air type la... My part was ringing a bell attracting their attention... then I introduced myself. Pm tepi kalau nk tips confident tanpa perlu memakai topeng masked rider. Muz and I were in charged for food and beverage. The orientation for this semester is more to relax.. No more ragging like our golden time. (still remember the penderitaan that we’d to face for a week). Overall, it’s a great week... even some of the student ngelat tak datang .. The rest was awesome. Our bond between wow-crew become closer. Every night we’ll have a meeting.. But it’s more to comedy show starring by cikman. Can you believe that Biki almost choked because of cikman’s jokes? Nightmare for him that day.
|da tak betul lepas kena pulau 5 minit|
|river crossing's session|
The last day of orientation, we had to do a performance and we chose ‘sketsa’. I swore to God, all of us didn’t know what’s happening to ourselves.. plan lain.. outcome lain haha. The storyboard were messed up and we decided to do the sketsa spontaneously. Thanks to cikman, our sketsa was successful. It was very hilarious, I wish you can see the full performance.
The next day, these same faces gotta do performance once again because the head of SDCL was here at our uni. But this time.. We’re singing. Banana , Selena Gomez, Ne-Yo and Kpop’s song. Dhia and I were the background dancer. I keep replaying our performance video and I looked like someone who’s high on weed or something hahah. Belasah je noks menari and there’re Cikman and Hisham eating bananas, maggi, junk food in front of the stage. Our gimik never fail told ya. After that we’re headed to DK after having our lunch for conference. It was video call. Something new for me. As we saw, our uni’s vid seems dark so everyone ain’t giving fck so they slept. Unfortunately, our vid ain’t dark pun .. at other uni skrin cerah elok ja kahkah ‘buat hal betul’-Tun.
Before bersurai.. We gather at the hall with the new intakes. We apologized and told them the truth as Muz, Cikman and I are in diploma. Hehe peace. Overall, this feb intake was amazing. Looking forward to other intakes this march, july and September.
Later that night, Madam decided to treat us KFC. We’re laughing and having great moment that night. After that we headed to karaoke. I thought I already saw the worst karaoke performance in my life which is Cikman with his nono paso (kpop’s song) and acai ft pael performance, but then there’s Hisham blew up that place with dangdut’s song. Crack betul la ahalaii hahah. Thank you Hisham for making my life great again. Hidup Hisham!! (Looking forward for this year, banyak beno surprise even baru early year). I wish this friendship will last long. More importantly, my relationship with … will last long too. Sapa tew? Hahaha malu la nnti la citer. So that’s all.
Till we meet again.
|mr president penat ye|