14 May 2016

If


They asked me about you, what should I answer?
I miss you. That's what I want to say but I'm afraid that you'll scold me. What if I miss you? What should I do instead of hurting myself? It's not just ego but I.m trying to understand the situation. Trying to accept things that happened. Trying to adapt new environment. I saw you yesterday. But I pretend that you weren't there. My friends keep asking me, "what he did to you?" I said, "nothing haha," with the smile on my face. He broke my heart actually but let me keep that to myself only. Since the day he told me that, I train myself to control my breath, if not I'll end up having chest pain. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I went to toilet and cry. No way I'm gonna cry in front of my roomate. I don't want her to look at me as a weak person. But I can't help myself. The price that I've got to paid when loving someone too hard :)

Ain and Muz knew what happened. Dah nama pun bestfriend kan.. they sang tonne of heartbroken malay song for me horribly. I smiled all the way but only God knows how I want let my tears out that night hearing their horrible singing. I swear to God I don't want to see that face showing up in front of my face anymore. At this moment I knew, I'm that person who can't be loved. I hate when people being so care about me, asking me about my life, telling me what's right and which one is wrong, I love to spend my time alone and many more. I feel like I'm never gonna get married someday. What if my husband telling me the same things that he said to me? Who knows :) I lost trust to myself in this love thingy. I'm having hard times to appreciate people as no one appreciate me. When someone said that they love you, you must felt something that you can't explain right? but I feel nothing. But he's different. When I look at him, I feel like.. damn I want this guy in my life. But life hit my face instead.

People can just telling me how lazy and uninterested I'm in socializing these days, but they didn't know that I'm on my fcking knees right now and hoping that no one will lift me up. Let me get up by myself, stronger than ever. I'm the one who clean the dirt on my knees and wipe my own tears. But right now let me recover first. It ain't easy you know. Letting go someone who meant a world to you. I dreamed about him last night and I'd no idea what's going on. Maybe it's just satan trying to fck me up or there's something behind it. Go with the flow is the best choice for now. Gonna act like a gangster but deep down in my heart.. I was dying. Dying to be love by someone but nevermind. I don't want to pay for this again. Gonna work hard for my future and tell my parent, just let them find my future husband as their daughter is giving up about that. Why would you love someone if you're planning to leave them in the future lol such a waste of time and energy. My parent knows people well than me so I won't disagree with their opinion. I can't take care of myself. I always exposed myself to people and they got the chance to hurt me. hmm anyways, things already happened and I can't turn back time. Well that's okay. I hope I'm gonna make it in my life. Have fun with my friends. Put my heart in a jar and threw it away in the deep sea. Doing things that I love. Forget the pain that I had yesterday and so on. But still hoping that he'll come back to me or whatsoever.. I knew that's impossible but.. just saying lol.

Goddamn I miss you. Please come back soon.
I'm always waiting for you.

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