Okay, it's so awkward. Okay lets go straight to the point.
Happy Birthday to you. Have a great day today and celebrate it with your love ones . (I knew I'm in your hate list). Goodluck for your finals and intra. I heard that your final year project got into final, congrats :) I knew you can make it.

Here's my wish for you.

I pray that
-You are always in good health and be happy with your decision that you chose.
-Meet someone that can make you feels better and giving you strength after your family, so sad that I couldn't make it.
-Reaching the goals that you already planned, I knew you're not in 'giving-up' type.
-You'll get hit by a truck, by that I mean you turn into a handsome guy (if that  happens, all I ask is, just don't show up in front of me or I'll ended up jumping off building because I knew I can't get you) 
-Someone will give you a lot of gundam figure.. (after I nailed my phD in the future I probably spam your house with that toy until your wife and you get annoyed with me.)

I'm sorry for my bad attitude towards you in the past. Sorry for over-reacting post in this blog (please don't read it) (But if you read it, just so you know I'm honest while typing that stuff hm) I hope you like the gift that I did for you, I hope ciciko don't spoil it ugh. (I said this because this is schedule's post, I typed this on 16th May, I don't have any idea what will happen on 27th May) It's raining right now. Cold like our heart... or just mine lol.

I don't know what to say anymore, and now I'm regret for not asking about you more before all this things happened.. heh, it shouldn't be like this. Maybe it should. Oh great, sad song shuffle in my playlist. um do you still read it? or you already hit that close tab button. I know you're a straight person and I can't do anything. Ciciko was right, I can't push someone's heart to like me. hm finally ciciko said something that relevant to me [ selalu asyik hoi hoi ja ]

If I continue to write this post, I probably typing things that I shouldn't say.
Happy Birthday Zulfan, may Allah bless you with great people, good health, great future and so on.
Thank you for being a great person to me even for a short period only, I'm still grateful for that.
Keep climbing to achieve your mission in life, I'm always support you from far and if you need any help.. just like I always said.. 'paper rogerr.' Ok that's all. Goodbye.

And it still raining.

-Ok Zikri messed up the plan.. nice so I just wasted my time for nothing ha ha
-I messed up too.. I saw u just now ughhhhhh why can't I moved on already?!
- already clear out things with zikri so yup.. we're good now :) 

End of Semester 1

Did you hear that? yep that's is the sound of victory. I finished my last paper yesterday and it feels so good that we just poured our heart out to answer the question. Our hard work were paid off. Everyone left already.. they went back to their home and heyyy, there's me .. still waiting for Ain to finish her last paper tomorrow before I get back home. I miss my bed already. I miss Perlis (can't believe I said this because before I came here, I was so over the moon to left Perlis lel) . 80% done arranged my things. We've to clear out things aka kena kosongkan bilik.. next sem bilik baru.. just two of us. Muz and I. (poor Muz, she have to deal with my childish attitude for another 6 months).

So I was at library from 11am to 6pm, accompany Ain to study marine electro and somehow maba and another guy(twins) join us too. For the first time I saw his real him hahaha. That guy just walk in the library with no shoes on! selamba badak dia ja pegi kaunter minta print soalan dengan tak pakai kasut haihh. As you know I have this one problem which is .. scared. I mean this is serious type of scared to approach someone, maba gave me money to buy past year question.. memang tak ah, boleh mati terkejut aku nak cakap kt org kaunter tu, so I just passed it to ain. He asked me to follow ain to learn how to ask past year question lol please I knew all of that but Idl, I just scared to approach people.

Oh I met alang too at the library, macam besa muka gatal dia tu. then.. (*thinking what happened today*) I think.. that's all. It's a boring day today, I don't know what to do. I don't have any idea to draw or anything else. I just can't wait to get back home and mereput for 2 weeks before short sem begin. Speaking about short sem, my hubby si bad already divorced me so I'm with Khalish now and our mission is to overtake Muz and Pojan popularity, I'll update about this soon hahaha please vote for us. (actually nak hilangkan rasa bosan sebab tu mcm tak betul dah sekarang.. poor us) Haih so sleepy right now, till we meet again. bye bye ;)


craving for Ice-cream right now
Today's Teachers Day so Happy Teachers Day to my parent. Thank you for teaching me things that I need in life. Sorry mak abah, I don't want to be a teacher, as I grew up seeing what my parent do everyday and I feel that I'm not good enough to teach someone so I choose engineer instead. I used to write in my bio my ambition was a teacher and an architect lol. If I took architecture course right now, I already ripped off my head I think. [ Fun fact: I'm a hot-tempered person ]. Seeing my parent sleep late at night just to check their student's book and so on.. they deserve this kind of appreciation. Back in 2012 where my mum graduated from OUM, she taught me, never stop learning. Learn as long as you can. Don't be lazy a$$ mofo. My father already got his master. He taught me just do whatever you love. He keep doing his hobby eventhough his work as a teacher seems fag. Anyways, my parent is the best. Hands up. [ Proud daughter alert ]

I feel better right now. I just asked quick question to my friend last night, whether I should go for the one who love me so much or go for the guy that I like. "Go for the one who love you so much".  So yep, still going with the flow and hey it ain't bad. Yesterday was fun with my friends, having chit chat at kafe and spent time with Ain, Dila and Muz. Not forgetting helping Ain do a video for her competency English and there were so much bloopers. While Muz editting her video last night, I wrote new mission in my life right now [ the last one still legit, just addition ]. It is forget the past and accept the mistakes that I did. Too much perfection is not okay. There are a lot more for me to learn in my life. So just be happy with my friends, study and get that diploma together.

It's Hazwan's birthday yesterday. Oh God how much I miss that little rascal. Ada ja nak membahan aku. So I drew for him. It was a great feelings you know, it's been a long time I didn't draw. Busy... busy main fon hergh. So yep gonna restart my hobby back as doing that thing makes me forget about my problem and all I need to think is what colour do I need to use and the stress that I've to handle when the colours spoil everything.. oh and last night is the last match for this season. Thank you Tomas Rosicky for this amazing 10 years.. I can't stop my teary eyes when seeing Arteta's crying. They did so much thing in Arsenal and we (Gunners) are so thankful for that. We finished at 2nd place this season. It happened again hehe. See you again. And team Mercedes were crashing. Nico and Lewis :( Btw congrats to the winner.( Spanish GP. )

Right now I'm excited as my birthday is the same with EURO. Match France pulak tu woo woo. Lagi excited when my fav mate all the time remember my birthday! *tabur bunga* haih mood finals: ON. Gonna work smart to get that 4.0. Hopefully. All I want is too make my parent proud and I want them to know that I can do this engineering thingy. Too make sure every ringgit that spent on me are worth. So I won't let any ridiculous thing affect me. Gonna work my a$$ off to get that Ir. title. Tuddiaqqq tak salah berangan kahkah. Gonna turn into a gangster right now yeah. No one can put me down. Maybe I just too over-reacting these past days. [ Fun fact: I'm embarrassed ]. Oh oh I already watched that Angry Birds movie and that was so cute.. the baby birds, chuck, red, terrence and so on. I still hate that piggy since the first day I downloaded angry bird's app. A lot of funny scene, can't hold my ugly laugh when they sang to the legend as chuck's making opera voice. ops terspoiler pulak eheh sorry. Almost 10am right now and I didn't shower yet. So.. buhbye! xoxo muah ciked.


They asked me about you, what should I answer?
I miss you. That's what I want to say but I'm afraid that you'll scold me. What if I miss you? What should I do instead of hurting myself? It's not just ego but I.m trying to understand the situation. Trying to accept things that happened. Trying to adapt new environment. I saw you yesterday. But I pretend that you weren't there. My friends keep asking me, "what he did to you?" I said, "nothing haha," with the smile on my face. He broke my heart actually but let me keep that to myself only. Since the day he told me that, I train myself to control my breath, if not I'll end up having chest pain. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I went to toilet and cry. No way I'm gonna cry in front of my roomate. I don't want her to look at me as a weak person. But I can't help myself. The price that I've got to paid when loving someone too hard :)

Ain and Muz knew what happened. Dah nama pun bestfriend kan.. they sang tonne of heartbroken malay song for me horribly. I smiled all the way but only God knows how I want let my tears out that night hearing their horrible singing. I swear to God I don't want to see that face showing up in front of my face anymore. At this moment I knew, I'm that person who can't be loved. I hate when people being so care about me, asking me about my life, telling me what's right and which one is wrong, I love to spend my time alone and many more. I feel like I'm never gonna get married someday. What if my husband telling me the same things that he said to me? Who knows :) I lost trust to myself in this love thingy. I'm having hard times to appreciate people as no one appreciate me. When someone said that they love you, you must felt something that you can't explain right? but I feel nothing. But he's different. When I look at him, I feel like.. damn I want this guy in my life. But life hit my face instead.

People can just telling me how lazy and uninterested I'm in socializing these days, but they didn't know that I'm on my fcking knees right now and hoping that no one will lift me up. Let me get up by myself, stronger than ever. I'm the one who clean the dirt on my knees and wipe my own tears. But right now let me recover first. It ain't easy you know. Letting go someone who meant a world to you. I dreamed about him last night and I'd no idea what's going on. Maybe it's just satan trying to fck me up or there's something behind it. Go with the flow is the best choice for now. Gonna act like a gangster but deep down in my heart.. I was dying. Dying to be love by someone but nevermind. I don't want to pay for this again. Gonna work hard for my future and tell my parent, just let them find my future husband as their daughter is giving up about that. Why would you love someone if you're planning to leave them in the future lol such a waste of time and energy. My parent knows people well than me so I won't disagree with their opinion. I can't take care of myself. I always exposed myself to people and they got the chance to hurt me. hmm anyways, things already happened and I can't turn back time. Well that's okay. I hope I'm gonna make it in my life. Have fun with my friends. Put my heart in a jar and threw it away in the deep sea. Doing things that I love. Forget the pain that I had yesterday and so on. But still hoping that he'll come back to me or whatsoever.. I knew that's impossible but.. just saying lol.

Goddamn I miss you. Please come back soon.
I'm always waiting for you.

Well, My Fault

Don't let them heard.
hm not fault in our star lah (k awal2 lagi dah hambar aku)

It's 4.53pm now and I swear to God today is exhausting for my classmate and me. We'd Mimet's Open Day today and we joined word war. It's a game that held by sem 2's student. Each team has 5 teammates and each one of us have to take one letter to complete a word. Sementara duk mencari tu, ada la belon air berterbangan di udara. Lucky my shirt was clean until the end of the game.. unlike the orientation week. My favorite can't be save as dah kotor kena color sobs sobs. We've so much fun and we got 2 hamper yay! After that, we took a walk around library's compound.. until I saw him. yep. kokoci.

This is what happened last night, I was in kafe finishing our ship's model that have been rejected because of the wrong scale that we used. I was so exhausted and all I need is someone who really cares about me. But then, something that I don't want to mention happened. I should realized this earlier, no one wants me eventually. What makes me more sad is.. he's so paiq's type. Caring, pickupline, smart and love to talk to me. Yep, I lost this type of people twice. Well, my mistakes. Shouldn't over-reacting that much. I should appreciate people more. I should care about other 's feelings too. I should.. I should.. really.. I regret it.

That moment when he said sorry I can't continue this things.. I just replied it with 'oh'. Then I dissapear. Like I always said, I stopped existing as soon as you left. No need to explain anymore. I just left without any last words. Just take that oh -_-. You know that feeling when you want to cry so hard but you can't because your classmate were there. It was freaking 1am +. I was tired physically and mentally and then this happened.. My chest was hurt, my eyes felt like burning because I'm holding my tears.. I continued my work cleaning the foam and so on.. I laughed with them, I talked.. said funny things and so on.. but no one knew I was in pain. I feel alone in a room that full of people.

The next morning I woke up, I used to spam him to wake him up for Subuh but .. I can't do that today and tomorrow and so on. Like I used to do when I'm sad.. I punched something that will hurt me so I can forget about things that hurt me.. yep I did and that hurt like a motherf haaa (aku buat aku yang maki sakit bebeno) Honestly, the moment when he said that sentence, I archieve his messages. I don't read his last messages. Otherwise... nope. It'll not happened again.  I knew, there's a lot of better things coming to me in the future but it always takes time to move on. Don't cry over people. Well at least I don't lost anything.. he lost me (haa cenggitu)  But everytime I'm thinking of him, I'll hate myself. I hate me, for taking people for granted. Sorry.

My throat and head are hurts right now. A week before final.. please I don't want to get sick. But what can't I do. I lost my appetite, mood and smile on my face today. All I want to do is laying on my bed and hear some song. That won't hurt me like he did. We can just be friend. Yep if I don't like you this much, bukan takat friend.ko datang lepak bilik aku pun tak kisah. Once you love that person and pour your heart out onto him.. this friend thing won't work. So I walk away...away from him so he can live his life to the fullest while me.. try to find a way to deal with this. He can but I can't.  So I was in my room, try to get my inner peace... then pityhati called.. haha I was annoyed at first but the he asked about his phone's casing. (he asked me to design the case....) I said I was busy lately.. but then he said something that my ear can't catch it.. so he mention one by one and aku pun ikut la dia cakap apa.. macam budak tadika pun ada. haha

so yep, for those who're reading this.. don't be stupid like me. Losing people twice lol should write that as an achievement. Tahniah deno, you lose 2 people. TAHNIAH :) okay my neck and back are hurt right now so I'm gonna leave all of this here heh.  See you soon.. or sooner whatever bye.

Go with the flow

It's been a MONTH I didn't update my blog!! okk I feel really guilty on this. All I can say is.. it's been hectic days for me. I just finished Mandarin's test just now, but before that Mr Loi said that the test will be held at BK19.. the only problem that we had was.. where tf is BK19... aand it turns out BK19 is in the workshop. Memang rare pun jawab test dalam bengkel heh. I don't know what I'd written, guna konsep redho je la weh.

So guys.. actually.. my life dah change 360 degree tho.
Ok, firstly.. I gave that guy a nickname that's 'kokoci'. Yep, our friendship bloomed after I made a 'stupid joke' about I'm gonna leave him for kokoci.. yep.. he told kokoci about that. So Kokoci and I are whatsapping each other.. mcm member2 je la until he asked me about Rhino. Before that, he told about his 'dream' wife and so on and he asked me.. 'kalau aku bagi kau peluang try jadi calon bini aku nak?' and I was like whoaah whattt? so as you know I am a 'TROUBLEMAKER' and.. I accepted it. bodohnya seorang deno ni rupanya. So, he treat me like his gf 'everyday'. Dah namanya kekasih gelap, mesti la dia layan aku lagi okay dari kekasih cerah. Of course I feel really guilty towards Rhino because I knew, flirting while you already have a partner is a disrespectful action towards him.. so I told him if he want to leave.. just leave... because I don't whether he's just kebetulan or he really like me.. then he said 'let me story kat you, nanti you decide whether I betul2 suka or kebetulan je'..

He confessed at me. He said he got his eyes on me during orientation week, (he's one of the fasi).[ Fun fact: I noticed someone was observing me, tapi buat rilek je] And aku pun double triple woah lagi laa.. aku yang lengai ni pun ada orang crush kaa nokrom haha I asked him, what did you see in me? I think I just a girl who don't want to talk to any human during WOW. He answered. Idk bu you have that daya tarikan that attract me. So terjadila cinta tiga segi saye. Oh last Thursday, I just finished with ES's class and Muz poked me.. I saw him in front of technician's room. Entah kat dia buatpe.. later that night he said.. earlier than that he already noticed me so he act like he didn't see me coming.. after I walked passed him, he followed me. That day, he got his chance to see my face. oh wow tahniah -_- [Fun fact: we don't meet each other] . After that.. I just re-think about his action before the confession happened ,firstly, he asked me to call him prince and I'm ok with that by thinking dia ni tak cukup kasih sayang maybe, second, he told me that he'll only pujuk his wife.. but everytime I was offended by him, he'll pujuk me in the best way. [By spamming my own name in my whatsapp's msg].

He's 20, same as Rhino but he's in the special case where he doesn't need to wait for his SPM's result to enter uni so he's already in sem 5. Tahun ni dah boleh graduate. The other things that contribute to my stress is.. both of them want to propose me after I finished my Diploma. huwarghh memang hatiku hatimu lah jawabnya aku..Marilah berhuhu bersama saye guys. Part lagi huhu tu, kokoci already told zikrizik about his feelings towards me and yep. ku lihatnya di seberang sana, di seberang sini pun hmmmm

yee it is my fault, pegi melayan dua2 tu kenapa.. hm so I just pray to the Lord , redho je la which one is my future husband. As long as he knows how to appreciate me and not talking about marrying another girl or otherwise I'll cut him into 20 pieces :)

So what you'll do right now?

I just layan sapa yang ada effort nak kat aku, nak layan ok, taknak layan sudah. Fullstop gitu. My only mission right now is to get good pointer in my studies and get a good job with reasonable salary so I can buy things without depending on my parent or husband :) Marriage? The one who get my parent's approval.

siapa ingat that one time deno meroyan takde bf? k I remembered. All I wish right now is.. I want to be single again huwaaaa t.t No one really care about what I did, who I talked to and so on.. but this is what God have plan to me and I can't say NO. So I just go with the flow without asking further questions :)

p/s: Mukhriz said,'aku bukan apa, aku tgk profile Instagram hang banyak kali tapi masih tk jumpa lawa tang mana hang nih' harommm hahaha