Its Time



Do you regret for choosing to leave?

I don't know what to say anymore. I hope things will get better after this. I'm tired being the waves, always returned to the shore. I want to get lost in deep sea right now, never going back in the same place. I know he's doing well without me. I know he's gonna be happy even when I'm gone. I know my absence never affected him,

But I know him before he lost who he is. I'm sure that one day, when someone mention my name in front of him, his mind will trigger the memory of me. He'll never get rid of me in his life like mine. Everytime when he did something that I hate the most, I'll hurt myself over and over again by punching somethings hard that will make me feel the physical pain and forget the pain that you caused. I'm tired crying over the same things. Maybe I never learned from the past.

I hope when he realize that I'm no longer there for him, he feels like half of his soul just taken away. I never leave with empty hands, I brought a part of his souls away with me too. Each day passed, I still waiting for his name to pop up in my phone. Yesterday, I was sleeping in the afternoon when suddenly someone sending me whatsapp. I thought it was you. 100% sure it was you. So I just let it be and continue to sleep. Idk what had happened but I felt like I opened up your messages and you said hi and we ended fighting again. So I checked your vsco and you uploaded a picture of her. It  feels so REAL! then I woke up. It was someone else sending me messages.. not you. This had happened many times before and I put all the blames on satan. fuck u for playing with my heart.

For how long do I need to pretend that I was wrong all the time? How many times do I need to ask for your apology? I wish leaving you are not in my option but it just happened and I asked for it. I never said good bye. I left without saying anything. I want you to feel completely numb like I used to feel. I want you start questioning yourself what you did wrong. I want you to feel empty. I want you realize that I'm not irreplaceable like you think. I want you to think that actually you need deanna in your life.

I continue to walk without looking back anymore and no one could stop me. Yes, I might suffering trying to deny that I miss you. But at least I already make my first move. This part of your soul that I steole for you, I'll take care of it. Prevent it from any bad vibes in this world. The things that I hold right now... the original syazani that I'd knew in 2014,