9 Oct 2015

Future


" You might have ruined my past and screwed up my present, but I won't let you touch my future"

Hi. So I finally can accepted the fact that maybe I'm all alone right now. I've learn to control myself from voicing out my anger in social media and keep things to myself only. Faiq was right, it's not okay to hide your feelings.. not talking to anybody because it'll cause stress. All this time I used to text syz just to clear out my mind from bad vibes and now.. he's my bad vibes. Whenever I 've a nightmares, I'll text him right away and he'll always be there to reply. hm . But right now, no one will ever listen to my nightmares, my stupid jokes, sharing funny stuffs that I found in the interner like him anymore. I try to do the same things on different person but their reaction isn't the same. But I get it, he has a girlfriend right now and I'm the one who need to back off. But thanks tho, I looked at my phone lesser than I used to be (good for my short-sightness) and I start to re-build myself. I pray everyday asking God to give me the strengths to conquer this world alone. I thanked Him for my past , now and the future. I'm glad for what had happened to me and I'll never complained about this no more.

So I just had this one crazy idea about travelling alone?! Maybe while I'm doing diploma, I can join senior's event like hiking or diving. It'll be fun tho. But my first priority right now is to get diving and swimming license. It would be a major joke yknow, Marine engineer tapi tak boleh swim lol. When I finished dip, I'll be on board for a year or more than that.. I want that chief engineer title so bad tho. That's my ultimate goals in my life beside having someone that I called a husband?? hahaha I'm not girlfriend or wife material. I just.. I don't know how to act like a girl when I'm with boys. Ok just forget about that.. so I decided to dissapear for a long time starting right now. I'm not ready to meet anyone that I used to know. Its just.. let God decide what will happen to us. But if someone having crush on me hahaha ade keee if la kan 'if'.. just chill out. You don't know where am I that time but hey, jodoh tak ke mane huhu. lek lek

Iceland. I would love to own a house in Iceland. Is it cool don't you think? It could be perfect for a lonely girl like me so let me enjoy the nature instead. Make love with penguin if I could find one. aww. How about the transportation? Hey I'm an engineer, I could afford a ship and bicycle that time. I choose bicycle over cars (for the sake of my chubby legs). I can't wait to feel that cold-ass weather that make me regret for going there. (I stg I'm whining to much @ anis when we went to I-City, it was too cold for me). And hey, maybe there's no one will ever notice that I'm gone.. but it's okay. I'm used to it starting a month ago. 

Personally, when you realised that you're all alone right now, it makes you think. "hey I should love myself because no one will except your family members". Its time for me to stop hurting myself, chasing people who cleadrly don't want me in their life or being busybody towards other life. You shouldn't hate that person who date your crush or ex, he/she need a life too. When I gain all my strengths, maybe I'll come back searching for you, watching you from far. Hey if I found out you're in trouble or whatsover, I'll help you.. silently. I'll tell that person in charge to not metioning my name kahkahkah anonymous sangaatt

Everyday, I just try to deny the unwanted feelings in my mind but I just can't. It makes me sad tho because you don't know the urge to have somebody to talk about my problems and insecurities is so damn high. I'm scared to trust people anymore. Everyone have their own connection with my enemies and I don't want them to know my weakness. When your enemies know your weakness, damn life gonna be so hard because they'll use your weakness point to turn you down. People did to me several times and sumpah I won't go through that phase for the second time. I'll sketch or watch reality shows just to distract me from looking at my phone. Why you don't start the convo first? Tbh, I'm so done to start the convo first. Because people will leave me hanging or they've 0 interested to reply. So yeah. I'll never do that ever again. 

I'm sorry for choosing to dissapear. I'm taking my first step to re-build myself to be a better person. I wish you could respect my decision. I hope we'll meet again in the future / real life. -DW

I'm not afraid of tomorrow,I've seen yesterday and I love today.

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