Friend appreciation post : Beni

p/s: bukan beni 


Lately I've been texting someone.. who once I hate the most because his resting bitch face is too strong. After all this chaos that happened lately, I really need a friend who can help me to face all of this and make me forget about someone that I used to love. So it all started in wechat, I just messing around in the comment section whenever he post his status. Actually I still scared to approach people in the internet.. (takut patah hati lagi le huhuhu) but hey, tegur je la.. beni je pun. I call him b or beni because I'm lazy to type his full name.. and I think it is fair because he put my name in his contact list as 'banana'!!! why banana? because he only remembered that my name have 'na' at the end so he just write banana. Actually it is cute.. banana instead of deanna. I should call him 'belimbing' instead of beni.(belimbing sound nice) (his full name is super long that when I first heard it I almost choked) .... So we don't chat everyday, which is good because if it's not.. I would ended up being in the same situation like syz. Putus contact terus.

Oh before that, I dah tau who's nan's crush... (My stalking skill is getting better. I don't know whether I should feel worried by now :/  ) what do you feel? patah hati la seiton haih takpe la move on. When is the first time you knew beni exist in the world? pfft I knew him after I met syz.. all of his clan added me on facebook which is terrifying back then. But Beni and me were not doing so well that we ended up having major fight over the internet. I'm not that bold when he sent those messages so I asked my friends to reply his messages hahahahaha but that was a year ago. I'm the one who apologized.. (yea of course I'm the one who should apologized) but he seems not even care. ouch. So months goes by.. and here we are.. look who replying my messages right now? wuhuu #sishappy hahahaha

So this time I promise myself to treat him well.. not like others. We both have a lot of similarities.. one of the similarities is.. we both are the heartbroken ones.. being turned down by our partner. (sedeyy wey hahah) I told him about I've no friend that willing to chat with me (mukhriz and ain were busy) and he said.. it was suck to be me ugh. But he's right.. it was suck to be deanna. haha jk. At this stage of my life I really need someone who can trigger my mind to look at the positive side and he's the one hahaha (gua tak try beni kayhh) He always giving me some good advices and the most importantly.. he stopped me from killing myself aka suicide hahahaa he always ended up his words with "jangan bunuh diri". I won't kill myself , there're so much goals that I want to accomplish in my life including taking beni to France to eat churros in front of Eiffel Tower. (haih ultimate wife material sunnguh la kan aku ni tapi tu la.. single) and he thought me about don't ever chase people anymore. When the time comes, that person who can treat you well will automically comes to you. (tew sastera cangatt) but it's true tho, the less you care, the more it comes.

Anyways all I want to say is,, thank you beni for stepping into my life at the right time. I was so depressed about the idea of having no one to talk to about my problems and etc but hey there's you.. taking over faiq's position for a while. (listening to my crap stories and my hambar nak mampus jokes). After this, when I see somone with a A+ resting bitch face, I'll not assume him as sombong or whatever.. he may be nice, fun and sporting.. like beni. The past sometime affected them so we shouldn't judge them by looking at their face only. So yeah, I hope for a better day tomorrow and I could move on from things that hurts me.

(I hope Beni don't feel something unusual after reading this post, I'm not normal.. I hope he get that fact and understand my situation huhu)

Beni fr lyfe

Red Velvet


I've this one funny story to tell you guys, so last Tuesday I was hanging out with Ain and Mukhriz. I was planning to give a cake to afnan (for his birthday's suprise pfft). I already told Syed the night before, so he's the one in charged (I trust him over 100% !). I told him it'll be 'secret recipe's cake'. But I don't know maybe we're too early and we're in rush, I just bought mc cafe red velvet's cake. So after having breakfast, we went to school to take our SPM and PMR's certificate. (hmm pmr 2012, 2015 baru datang tuntut) Suprisingly, nurin, nazeefa, aisyah and aiza were there too. We're having mini reunion outside the school's office. While I was talking to Mukhriz, I thought I saw someone that I hate from the bottom of my heart.. (I hate myself for having this long-sightness problem). I thought I saw Najah coming and the least thing I thought I'm gonna do that day was jumping off the building but of course I didn't do it. I did the sign language to Mukhriz asking 'is that her?' and phew he said no, it was somebody else. Haih I don't know, I just.. I'm not ready to see those faces that set me on fire everytime they did something. Oh about that cake.. I asked Ain to put it under the table @ lorong gelap. True dermarian will know what is 'lorong gelap'. (taklah gelap mana sebab pasang lampu tapi ntah.. takkan lorong cerah kan.. ..) But I admitted that I was stupid too.. I don't write Syed's name on that package because who the f in the school will hide a cake.... I was feeling nervous for the entire day and guess what..

credit to syed
He didn't pick that cake because he thought it was someone else's........ I was having severe mental breakdown, I don't know whether to cry, mad, merajuk and kill myself that day. But again,of course Syed will save Deanna's day kan. So he decided to pick the cake the next morning. The cake is still eatable? Syed don't have any medical problem untill today so I can confirmed that, my cake didn't hurt Afnan's tummy. Oh and I put kitkat inside that box too. (pehh wife material gitu kan deno ni homaigod.. but still single. fml) Maybe his next birthday I will be using pos laju to send the gift straight to his home as this situation could be repeated in the future lololol. But it was fun doe, today (Thursay) he said thanks via whatsapp. I was having a severe mental problem for about 5 minutes hahaha. Do you guys have any idea for how long my phone was in silent.. nobody text me... . But of course, I'm acting cool by asking 'for what' and yea I can feel that he already annoyed. Damn I'm stupid with boys. So I just 'ok cool u got the cake mmkayh lebiuu' (no I didn't send that, ego vs ego) and he replied with smile emoji with wink eyes. And again I'm too happy that I smile for 10 minutes. (someone pls take me to tg rmbutan asap, teruk sangat dah ni merenyam & menggedik) And of course my two favourite satans (Mukhriz and Ain) will make fun of the cake in the ws group that evening.

Hey I just joking about nan's stuff. I knew he already have someone special so I just leave him alone. For serious tho, I'm pretty sure that I'll never move on about syz. Everytime I sleep, whether it is him, the girl will be featured in my dreams. I ended up trying not to cry and hurting myself. Of course I miss him but .. nothing that I can't do. I decided to disable my dynowanted's instagram account. I just need a break from all this things. Things wouldn't happen if I didn't upload zarul's picture, but why I must regret ..? I want things to be normal again but it wouldn't be the same. My absence didn't affected him so that's the reason I did all of this. From this day, I want to change for the better me.. (it's more like I want to distract myself from thinking about him anymore). I won't be active on social media anymore. I want to learn something new .. I'll try studying spanish languange slowly.. ye study didn't hurt my heart like he did so .. I will try. It's hard for me to just closed the door that leads to my heart when the door itself have been blown away in pieces. Lucky her for having him as her boyfriend. Everyone is changing but there's me.. still stick up with the old deanna. I don't want to change. I'll hiding from all this people for a while and I'd knew there's no one will finding me. I'm losing myself. But there's no one will understand me like he did. I couldn't compare him with others because he's the best. I pray for the better things after this. I'm sorry. I will cancel the disable option next year. Whatever happens..

I'm there for you

Its Time

Do you regret for choosing to leave?

I don't know what to say anymore. I hope things will get better after this. I'm tired being the waves, always returned to the shore. I want to get lost in deep sea right now, never going back in the same place. I know he's doing well without me. I know he's gonna be happy even when I'm gone. I know my absence never affected him,

But I know him before he lost who he is. I'm sure that one day, when someone mention my name in front of him, his mind will trigger the memory of me. He'll never get rid of me in his life like mine. Everytime when he did something that I hate the most, I'll hurt myself over and over again by punching somethings hard that will make me feel the physical pain and forget the pain that you caused. I'm tired crying over the same things. Maybe I never learned from the past.

I hope when he realize that I'm no longer there for him, he feels like half of his soul just taken away. I never leave with empty hands, I brought a part of his souls away with me too. Each day passed, I still waiting for his name to pop up in my phone. Yesterday, I was sleeping in the afternoon when suddenly someone sending me whatsapp. I thought it was you. 100% sure it was you. So I just let it be and continue to sleep. Idk what had happened but I felt like I opened up your messages and you said hi and we ended fighting again. So I checked your vsco and you uploaded a picture of her. It  feels so REAL! then I woke up. It was someone else sending me messages.. not you. This had happened many times before and I put all the blames on satan. fuck u for playing with my heart.

For how long do I need to pretend that I was wrong all the time? How many times do I need to ask for your apology? I wish leaving you are not in my option but it just happened and I asked for it. I never said good bye. I left without saying anything. I want you to feel completely numb like I used to feel. I want you start questioning yourself what you did wrong. I want you to feel empty. I want you realize that I'm not irreplaceable like you think. I want you to think that actually you need deanna in your life.

I continue to walk without looking back anymore and no one could stop me. Yes, I might suffering trying to deny that I miss you. But at least I already make my first move. This part of your soul that I steole for you, I'll take care of it. Prevent it from any bad vibes in this world. The things that I hold right now... the original syazani that I'd knew in 2014,


" You might have ruined my past and screwed up my present, but I won't let you touch my future"

Hi. So I finally can accepted the fact that maybe I'm all alone right now. I've learn to control myself from voicing out my anger in social media and keep things to myself only. Faiq was right, it's not okay to hide your feelings.. not talking to anybody because it'll cause stress. All this time I used to text syz just to clear out my mind from bad vibes and now.. he's my bad vibes. Whenever I 've a nightmares, I'll text him right away and he'll always be there to reply. hm . But right now, no one will ever listen to my nightmares, my stupid jokes, sharing funny stuffs that I found in the interner like him anymore. I try to do the same things on different person but their reaction isn't the same. But I get it, he has a girlfriend right now and I'm the one who need to back off. But thanks tho, I looked at my phone lesser than I used to be (good for my short-sightness) and I start to re-build myself. I pray everyday asking God to give me the strengths to conquer this world alone. I thanked Him for my past , now and the future. I'm glad for what had happened to me and I'll never complained about this no more.

So I just had this one crazy idea about travelling alone?! Maybe while I'm doing diploma, I can join senior's event like hiking or diving. It'll be fun tho. But my first priority right now is to get diving and swimming license. It would be a major joke yknow, Marine engineer tapi tak boleh swim lol. When I finished dip, I'll be on board for a year or more than that.. I want that chief engineer title so bad tho. That's my ultimate goals in my life beside having someone that I called a husband?? hahaha I'm not girlfriend or wife material. I just.. I don't know how to act like a girl when I'm with boys. Ok just forget about that.. so I decided to dissapear for a long time starting right now. I'm not ready to meet anyone that I used to know. Its just.. let God decide what will happen to us. But if someone having crush on me hahaha ade keee if la kan 'if'.. just chill out. You don't know where am I that time but hey, jodoh tak ke mane huhu. lek lek

Iceland. I would love to own a house in Iceland. Is it cool don't you think? It could be perfect for a lonely girl like me so let me enjoy the nature instead. Make love with penguin if I could find one. aww. How about the transportation? Hey I'm an engineer, I could afford a ship and bicycle that time. I choose bicycle over cars (for the sake of my chubby legs). I can't wait to feel that cold-ass weather that make me regret for going there. (I stg I'm whining to much @ anis when we went to I-City, it was too cold for me). And hey, maybe there's no one will ever notice that I'm gone.. but it's okay. I'm used to it starting a month ago. 

Personally, when you realised that you're all alone right now, it makes you think. "hey I should love myself because no one will except your family members". Its time for me to stop hurting myself, chasing people who cleadrly don't want me in their life or being busybody towards other life. You shouldn't hate that person who date your crush or ex, he/she need a life too. When I gain all my strengths, maybe I'll come back searching for you, watching you from far. Hey if I found out you're in trouble or whatsover, I'll help you.. silently. I'll tell that person in charge to not metioning my name kahkahkah anonymous sangaatt

Everyday, I just try to deny the unwanted feelings in my mind but I just can't. It makes me sad tho because you don't know the urge to have somebody to talk about my problems and insecurities is so damn high. I'm scared to trust people anymore. Everyone have their own connection with my enemies and I don't want them to know my weakness. When your enemies know your weakness, damn life gonna be so hard because they'll use your weakness point to turn you down. People did to me several times and sumpah I won't go through that phase for the second time. I'll sketch or watch reality shows just to distract me from looking at my phone. Why you don't start the convo first? Tbh, I'm so done to start the convo first. Because people will leave me hanging or they've 0 interested to reply. So yeah. I'll never do that ever again. 

I'm sorry for choosing to dissapear. I'm taking my first step to re-build myself to be a better person. I wish you could respect my decision. I hope we'll meet again in the future / real life. -DW

I'm not afraid of tomorrow,I've seen yesterday and I love today.

Letter to Afnan

So hi, I know it's way too late for me to wish your birthday but hey...  Happy 16th Birthday! I know we're not actually closed like others. I hope I could have some more times to get to know you deeper because I don't know much about you. We started to know each other pun.. in a bad way kan.. (I feel really guilty untill today). I try to send you messages but I feel like I'm disturbing your super duper busy life..  so it ended as the unsend text to you :/ But I did remember the first time I saw you at library with that hella scary shoes. Actually before that I took a closer look at your shoes wondering who's the owner. (you can label me as weirdo now) But meh I decided to go away and waiting for my friend to finish her things and then you came. Dude my heart went 80 to 189 real quick. (you're the second guy who could give me a heart attack after paiq). Don't ask me why because I didn't know the answer either. I don't remember how I got your phone's number but I'm glad to have your number in my phone's book (but you must be really annoyed and regret for having me in your life.. sorry) 

My first impression about you are.. hm let me think. You're a secretive person. You've a brilliant mind and don't talk too much unless it's important. haih that's all I can tell you . Strangers > friends hmm. I know you're a kind guy with that 'ceo' style. If you want to kill me, just dressed up in suits with that goddamn nice hair and just showed up in front of me . I'll be dead in less than 1 minute. (cause of death: her heart stop funtioning after Afnan showed up in front of her in the middle of nowhere) jk  (hey you look good in blazer but unfortunately I can't see you in prefect's uniform in real life.. just pictures) Maybe that's why paiq always told me to make peace with you because he knew you're good  & he rely on you to make me happy. (lucky I don't tell him how heartless & short your reply to me.. sedih oo tapi at least ada emoji) to be honest, you make me smile without even trying pun. I see you online whatsapp pun bahagia. #amnotcrazy

but hey.. you owe me a picture. It's hard for me to remember that day but I've to.. remember you say 'no' to me when I ask you for a picture. (and again you're the second guy who make me cry in 2014 ...) that day you you make my confidence level drop to -50 and I hate myself. I know you'll say 'padan muka' @ me after you read it.. kan! benci betul la ish. So that's why I decide to cut you off in my life and that's the stupidiest decision in my life tbh. It 's sad for me tho everytime I saw everyone uploading their personal picture with you.. it makes me thinks the 'life is so unfair' quotes seems true. The first 2 months are not okay, it's always hard to try deleting somebody who you used to adore in your mind. But of course every day I'm thinking about you. ( I did that to everybody, chill). So here am I .. trying to forget the past and  make peace with you and still.. you're acting cold and playing hard to get. yeah I'm sorry for messing up with  your life, being annoying and so on.. but I feel sorry to your future girlfriend / wife too.. knowing the hard work that it takes to grab your attention without a war. ( like I used to..  you won the war) I hope you may find the right one. (**psst 'me') kdak change subject.

So.. I hope you're in good mood throughout this 2015 without any serious problems or depression or whatsover. ( hey you're not the troublemaker right ) I know you're always taking your study seriously like your friend at Kajang and personally I don't even concern about your grades. ( afnan always on top.. I knew it since day 1 ) Goodluck for your final year exam! I wish you're surrounded with good people that will stay loyal to you even your eyes are closed and your back is turned.  In 2 years from now, I want to see Afnan pursue his study in good university, chasing his goals... Life can be tough, but you're tougher. ( I knew you could make it) just don't give up in everything you do..  quitter never win :) Happy Birthday again!  -DW

So em can we restart all over again?

Hi my name is Deanna and you can call me deno. 18 years old younger than you obviously. I want to be your friend. Will you ?