I didn't ask

I didn't ask for this.

Pushing people away is my last thing to do if something terrible happened. Idk that it happened tonight. All I want is a friend who could understand me. Treat me like I used to treat them. But I'm sorry, I already reached my breaking point. I'm mad , sad, depressed.. all I want to do is .. escape from all of this. I want to delete all my social media so bad but.. I can't. I really miss my friend. Miss the old us. But when I tried to appreciate them.. they just making me feels bad. And syz.. I was so dissapointed. How I wish he never mention any name that I hate in our convo but he did. Syed too. You can say that how childish and immature I am..sentap ke pe.. but I have feelings too. Can people just treat me like .. I am worth to them.. not easily replaceable.Because that is how I feel towards them. it's just.. I've been holding this anger for a long time. All this time I just fake my smile, laugh and everything, but the truth is.. I'm sulking and holding my tears. I don't want people to underestimate me like I'm weak or whatsover.

I want to punch the wall. Regretting everything. Wondering if it's me who causing all this problems. I just want someone to talk to. A real friend. I don't even care right now if there's someone who take my friend away. Just take it. Make them happier than I did. Suprise them with anything. I'm nothing to them. Right now, I decided to shut myself down. I want to enjoy this loneliness. Be able to comfront my weakness alone. There's just one person who can make me feel better at this time but he's too far away. We are disconnected. The only one person who willing to sit in front of me.. searching for my teary eyes and figured out what's wrong. He never mention anyone when we talk or chat and that's what making him so special in my heart . But once upon a time I left him for syz.. I was so stupid.. yet still stupid. I never noticed he's sad for what I did. And now I'm the one who feel the same way he used to. But somehow he still treating me in the same way when we first met. I feel blessed.

I'm sorry for being too annoying.. childish and whatsover. I just can't do this anymore. I'm no longer know how to handle my sadness. Things get even harder. Idk whether it's me or people around me is changing. I choose to be heartless. Being caring and kind doesn't help me to go through this. It's just.. everything is too sweet until the memories itself trying to kill me. I don't want to see anyone atm. There's a chaos happening inside my head right now and it really disturbing. All I want to say is thank you for waking up my inner demon that I try to hide. Trying to make sure that you guys are happy is tiring. I need a long ass rest. I'll try to accept the fact that everyone tried to get rid of me and I'm okay with that.

So what do you want right now? Nothing. I just need him. Someone who know how to spoiled Deanna's mood anytime.