21 SEPT 2015 /1

It's almost 1 am right now

I just read Izza's blog just now (someone who I adore and I found her in Ig) and damn the comment section really hit me hard. It feels like I've been slapped by a motherfucking chair. I'm super tired and sleepy right now (I just got back from Alor Setar), but the thought of Syz really killing me. I'm shaking. (I always shaking whenever he's up onto something that I don't like or whatever in social media). So I scroll his vsco's grid and yes he uploaded a picture of him with his friends. He did sent me ws messages since I decided to not reply to any of his texts. I just .. dissapointed seeing his pictures with his girlfriend. So I decided to push everyone away from my life. I do considered him as my friend but why this kinda 'jealous' feeling shows up. I feel like I want to throw my phone away when I saw those pictures. I knew it'll never be me in her place. But that feel.. my friend have been taken away by this pretty girl and it hurts me.

So while I was reading the comment.. Izza mentioned that we can't simply throw the relationship away just like that. When I looked back.. damn deanna, all this things that you did ain't fcking cool. Syaz never let my text un-replied for several days like I did. Syaz never complained about who I texted everyday. Syaz never said something bad about me in soacial media like I did. Syaz never complained about my ws's status / Intagram's bio like I did. Syaz never ...

He texted me.. this time he's the one who started the convo. I saw his efforts but I choose not to care. Not one but 3 messages in different days. He's fav/rt my tweet. He tweeted me too but I choose not to care. I feel so terrible. I shouldn't punished him like this. All he did was creating a joke that I didn't like and I choose to run away. I shouldn't end this kind of friendship in this way. I tried to treat people like the way I used to treat him but the respond isn't the same. He knows me well but why I can't understand him. He has his own life too like I did. I've a year gap to settle all my problems and nah.. How could I enter the uni's life next year with the thought of what I did to him is right or wrong.

I always keep telling myself, yeah he have a lot of friends that can cure his lonliness compared to me.. I've no one. Ain is super busy lately so I don't want to bother her with my childish probs. And I keep telling myself about no one ever care about me and so on. I'm nobody in everyone's life. I just.. don't want to repeat all this things anymore. ya lah berbaik dengan syaz lepastu gaduh.. then dua-dua jadi cold pastu I'm the one who apologizes. Repeat! I'm just tired with all these. haih what should I do.. I always making people mad @ me. I want they feel angry at me so they wouldn't forget about my existence. I'm scared that people will forget about me and leave me alone.

So .. tomorrow I just.. reply to his text. Wondering what he'll say to me. I'm ready to let my heart break into pieces. I knew he'll not reply asap as he's in Langkawi right now for his lawn bowl's game. hm
(to be continue)