Hi guys,
I went to Penang yesterday and hey I bought another alphabet's sticker! (I always paste it on my netbook). Anyways, everyone have their own robin aite? All the things that you did with them aren't same with others but the sad side is you can't have them for the rest of your life.. I mean, they can't be your boyfriend / husband. hm yup I've one. If I want to do something that benefits me, he always be there supporting me. So that's why I decided to hide his identity. I always used Syz's name if they asked me about love related question.. maybe it's because he already used to it. em maybe he hate me right now. But I don't mind that so much right now. There's no way I'm gonna post his name and let the world knows about him. (overly attached deanna alert).

The other day I was texting him whining about everything. But when he asked me for the reason.. I just can't talked about it. Ye la takkan nak merungut pasal orang tu.. he's not mine pun hm. So I just asked him to forget about what I said. "tak baik pendam nanti stress". I want him to sit in front of me like we used to do. 4 years of our friendship.. we used to talk in person a lot than using our phone. Facebook pun tak add okey xD For your information I get my smartphone when I was 16. So whatsapp don't even exist in our life. But even with my smartphone, I never take his picture secretly because.. hey let me watch this face before I missed any moment because I knew he'll leave me one day. (That one day is now.. 2015 *cries*)

strangers in public, babygirl in private. aww hahaha harey geli aku. But sort of lah. If I see something I didn't like at school, balik sekolah siap la dengar deanna mengadu 6 perenggan. I can't stay mad at him for a long time. (if only he'd knew about this haih). But right now he's focusing on his spm. I miss him but .. I'll only ended up disturbing him. He always replied me with punch emoji everytime I said I miss him. And always say no to my girlfriend question. "mane de, deanna ada la pakwe". kena reverse psychology je selalu. I always saw those gang who try to show off their partner and I was like.. hmm nakk jugakk but then I realised about hiding his identity so I just.. okay jangan upload. I've only one picture of us. ONE. IT'S TRUE. tu pun sebab lepas ni dia duduk jauh. sedihnya seorang deanna huhu.

So right now I've 3 months to go before I enter uni's life. The ultimate goals is.. I want to get rid of this fat. I'm a lot chubbier that ever dude. No way I'll wear those marine uniform with this type of body. Can you imagine petrona's gas tank wearing a uniform. huhuhu cek tak miauuu. And I want to start planning my study scheldule. Engineering is a tough subject to score if you don't know how to tackle the tactic. tew ayat hahaha. Probaly I'll start with addmath. Chemistry . yep. and of course I'll remember him 'beleter' at me if I failed at this. I want to make my parent and him proud of me. Life knocked me down several times. So this time, let (wait let use xx to represent him kahkah) okay let xx be my pembakar semangat. hangus pun takpe. eh happy-go-lucky deno is back? yey. so I'll stop at here okay. The rest of the other let me keep to myself only. huehue bubye

21 SEPT 2015 /1

It's almost 1 am right now

I just read Izza's blog just now (someone who I adore and I found her in Ig) and damn the comment section really hit me hard. It feels like I've been slapped by a motherfucking chair. I'm super tired and sleepy right now (I just got back from Alor Setar), but the thought of Syz really killing me. I'm shaking. (I always shaking whenever he's up onto something that I don't like or whatever in social media). So I scroll his vsco's grid and yes he uploaded a picture of him with his friends. He did sent me ws messages since I decided to not reply to any of his texts. I just .. dissapointed seeing his pictures with his girlfriend. So I decided to push everyone away from my life. I do considered him as my friend but why this kinda 'jealous' feeling shows up. I feel like I want to throw my phone away when I saw those pictures. I knew it'll never be me in her place. But that feel.. my friend have been taken away by this pretty girl and it hurts me.

So while I was reading the comment.. Izza mentioned that we can't simply throw the relationship away just like that. When I looked back.. damn deanna, all this things that you did ain't fcking cool. Syaz never let my text un-replied for several days like I did. Syaz never complained about who I texted everyday. Syaz never said something bad about me in soacial media like I did. Syaz never complained about my ws's status / Intagram's bio like I did. Syaz never ...

He texted me.. this time he's the one who started the convo. I saw his efforts but I choose not to care. Not one but 3 messages in different days. He's fav/rt my tweet. He tweeted me too but I choose not to care. I feel so terrible. I shouldn't punished him like this. All he did was creating a joke that I didn't like and I choose to run away. I shouldn't end this kind of friendship in this way. I tried to treat people like the way I used to treat him but the respond isn't the same. He knows me well but why I can't understand him. He has his own life too like I did. I've a year gap to settle all my problems and nah.. How could I enter the uni's life next year with the thought of what I did to him is right or wrong.

I always keep telling myself, yeah he have a lot of friends that can cure his lonliness compared to me.. I've no one. Ain is super busy lately so I don't want to bother her with my childish probs. And I keep telling myself about no one ever care about me and so on. I'm nobody in everyone's life. I just.. don't want to repeat all this things anymore. ya lah berbaik dengan syaz lepastu gaduh.. then dua-dua jadi cold pastu I'm the one who apologizes. Repeat! I'm just tired with all these. haih what should I do.. I always making people mad @ me. I want they feel angry at me so they wouldn't forget about my existence. I'm scared that people will forget about me and leave me alone.

So .. tomorrow I just.. reply to his text. Wondering what he'll say to me. I'm ready to let my heart break into pieces. I knew he'll not reply asap as he's in Langkawi right now for his lawn bowl's game. hm
(to be continue)

I didn't ask

I didn't ask for this.

Pushing people away is my last thing to do if something terrible happened. Idk that it happened tonight. All I want is a friend who could understand me. Treat me like I used to treat them. But I'm sorry, I already reached my breaking point. I'm mad , sad, depressed.. all I want to do is .. escape from all of this. I want to delete all my social media so bad but.. I can't. I really miss my friend. Miss the old us. But when I tried to appreciate them.. they just making me feels bad. And syz.. I was so dissapointed. How I wish he never mention any name that I hate in our convo but he did. Syed too. You can say that how childish and immature I am..sentap ke pe.. but I have feelings too. Can people just treat me like .. I am worth to them.. not easily replaceable.Because that is how I feel towards them. it's just.. I've been holding this anger for a long time. All this time I just fake my smile, laugh and everything, but the truth is.. I'm sulking and holding my tears. I don't want people to underestimate me like I'm weak or whatsover.

I want to punch the wall. Regretting everything. Wondering if it's me who causing all this problems. I just want someone to talk to. A real friend. I don't even care right now if there's someone who take my friend away. Just take it. Make them happier than I did. Suprise them with anything. I'm nothing to them. Right now, I decided to shut myself down. I want to enjoy this loneliness. Be able to comfront my weakness alone. There's just one person who can make me feel better at this time but he's too far away. We are disconnected. The only one person who willing to sit in front of me.. searching for my teary eyes and figured out what's wrong. He never mention anyone when we talk or chat and that's what making him so special in my heart . But once upon a time I left him for syz.. I was so stupid.. yet still stupid. I never noticed he's sad for what I did. And now I'm the one who feel the same way he used to. But somehow he still treating me in the same way when we first met. I feel blessed.

I'm sorry for being too annoying.. childish and whatsover. I just can't do this anymore. I'm no longer know how to handle my sadness. Things get even harder. Idk whether it's me or people around me is changing. I choose to be heartless. Being caring and kind doesn't help me to go through this. It's just.. everything is too sweet until the memories itself trying to kill me. I don't want to see anyone atm. There's a chaos happening inside my head right now and it really disturbing. All I want to say is thank you for waking up my inner demon that I try to hide. Trying to make sure that you guys are happy is tiring. I need a long ass rest. I'll try to accept the fact that everyone tried to get rid of me and I'm okay with that.

So what do you want right now? Nothing. I just need him. Someone who know how to spoiled Deanna's mood anytime.

Happy Birthday [Mukhriz]

8 September 2015

Happy Birthday Mukhriz. My first guy friend from highschool. Sorry because I'd decided to not wishing you personally via whatsapp or whatsover. I saw your recent post and I do read the caption.. you said that you want to emphasize the importance of surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you and feel proud to have you exist. Clearly, I'm not one of those. 5 years of our friendship is ain't easy to keep it on the right track and yet .. you choose to push me away from your life. I choose to remain silent even deep in my heart I just.. want to ask them to give my friend back. But I just tired.. tired of the idea..  that it's always me who ask people for their attention while no one ask me for the same things.

You can curse me everything today for not wishing your birthday.. bcs you did the same thing last June. I hope you'll remember me too for doing the same. I guess you just found a better person who can replace my position for this 5 years. I just wanna say , thank you for this amazing 5 years.. having you as my friend is a blessed. We nailed PMR result together and support each other at our lowest during SPM. Now, I choose to let you go.. I want you to amuse others like you did to me. Show them the road to success. Suprise them with your loyalty. On this day, I hope you get a very good result in your exam. I hope you're surrounded bt good people.. people who will help you to shine brighter than ever. I believe that you can achieve your life goals. I hope God gives you the strengths to face all the challenges in life.

I'm sorry for treating you badly this year. If people ask me what's wrong.. I'll say that you're too good for me to be my friend. 5 years is more than enough for me to share my highschool life with you, You're one of my best friend that I've ever had and I never regret that. You're the 9th person who left me. But I'm okay. I hope that one day we'll .. who knows tetiba terjumpa time shopping or somehow. Once again, I'm sorry for making your life harder for this past 5 years. My bad. Enjoy having a new great life and friends.

080997-09.04AM"For the first time I saw you, my heart whispered 'That's your whole world'. Thank you mom"