3 Aug 2015

end

I got nothing to lose anymore. All this time I've been holding on for too long. I'd rather die compared to let it go. Even my parent hates me. Yaa I admit I cry a lot lately. I'm not good enough for everyone. I feel like I'm the one who burden all of my friends, syz, paiq, meman, nan and so on. All this time I'd thought that if I ever feel alone, just lower my ego and text them first. Be the one who start the convo. I guess it didn't turn out exactly like I want. I couldn't even get a text back. The only reason they told me is they thought that I was busy and they've decided not to bother me. They don't think that I'm stupid whores.. right? Lately I feel like my death is near. If I die.. me myself don't know who will show up. Appreciate me while I'm still alive. They only know how to keep in touch with me when they felt bored or smh.

I'd lost my appetite. Instead od cutting my skin with razor or drinking poison, I'll let myself starve to death. I'm tired. I don't know what's left for me in this world anymore. My home doesn't even feel like home. People in this house always misundertstood me, and I don't have any intention to correct them up. I take all the blame by myself even I'm not doing it. I'm too tired to fight with my parent. Just shouted how stupid I am everyday in this house. I'm no longer care. I'm already dying with the words that cut like Katana. I'm tired healing. I'm not giving up, I'm just done with all this chaotic things.

I enjoy being alone. Writing stuff that I've been thinking all day. Continue writing my online poem books. Because no one wants to hear my stupid, un-important stories about how I feel. I miss my friends. I miss Sufi and Ain's hug. I miss Mukhriz and Haziq's laugh. I choose them over my parent. I knew they've sacrifice a lot of things to keep me alive. But they way they treat me.. I wish I was dead after I was born. All I want is my life right now is a sketchbook, pen, pencil.. I just want my friends closer. I want to protect them from getting into trouble.. I feel like useless right now.Idk what to do now. help.

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