Night


This is it. The end. I'd lost the battle. Sometimes you just have to let go things that haunting you for ages. Even the closest people around you is actually have bad intentions towards you. It happened to me, my 3 closest friends actually a backstabbers. I was shocked obviously. All this good time that we've been through, you destroy it. I do still remember how you guys said about how bad this one person is and then you'd turned out to be them. It takes courage to faced this. I'm all alone right now. No friends. Its just me with my bloody hand and teary eyes collecting my shattered heart that fell onto the hard ground. How absurd this thing is.. I always be with them whenever things getting hard or else. But when I'm at my lowest, no one stepped out to help me out. But I'm so grateful for all this things that happened in my life, I just can finally see what they're made of. I won't delete our pictures in my instagram. I want to suprise people when they see thos pictures, they wouldn't know there're tragic, horrific and saddest story behind that smiles.

I guess the word 'love' was being manipulated by human to get what they want. People always taking advantages on us. I huess this is one of the reason people who choose engineering have a cold heart. We have a lot of money and caught many eyes, but deep inside we just feel alone. Scared to trust people again. Scared if our backs are being stabbed with katana again. So we'd decided to keep busy with Physics and Mathematics etc. I can't fight for this friendship anymore. It's been polluted by hate. Anyways, whatever happens, I will retire with a crown on my head :)
Living as a youth. The time we found that human personality is very rare. Kita tak penah terlintas pun perangai macam tu macam ini. Ujian hidup weh. Tapi ujian hidup ni satu special. Kita tau Allah still ada attention kt kita. At least hang tak dapat istidraj. Allah tau tahap mana hang boleh tahan. So deno. Move on hati kena *sado emoji* daripada Zul Ariffin. - Syed
I should have gotten drunk to forget all this pain. But now I ain't feel anything. After Isya' last night I do some Istikharah. I really need Him right now because He the only one who always be with me since I was born into this world. I told Him everything. I feel so relieved, all the unsaid words in my mind is finally out. This morning I woke up with swollen eyes, I can accept things that happened last night. I have all this days on my own. No one to contact. I could hang on alone. Waiting for this 4 months to end. I need time to heal myself. It takes time to be fine. I guess everyone had said goodbye in different ways, but still has the same meaning that is leaving. Leaving means forgetting. It's okay for me, the idea of I'm forgotten by people I used to love yesterday. I'll always love my friends and I believed that they'll change to be a better person. But I'm so sorry that it'll be too late because I already left.

When I see you. I'd nothing left to say. All I see is a complete devastating poem that I could write on papers. Maybe all this time we see evil in different point of view. The most kind person could turned out being the most terrible person ever than the one who'd tattooes or holding a gun. But nevermind, don't worry I'd alredy forgive you. Just let go. You'll be you and I'll be me. I guess you're the capters in my book that I'll never read it loud. Maybe it's time for me to feel nothing. It's a fun experience to be able to feel I've everything even in a short time of period. Thank you for the temporary happiness.

Maybe one day when we already grown up, we'll accidentally meet in the streets or whatsover.That time maybe we don't know each other anymore. You'll forget how my face looks like. You'll forget my voice. You'll forget my smile. But in the other hands I'll always remember you. You got the place in mind and no one will be able to replace it. I always pray for you in my prayer. Hoping you'll not ended up being in the same place like me. You're surrounded by nice people. Not like me. Everyone's put high hopes in you. Not like me. My demons finally have a full access to control my mind and body. I'm weak. You're better without me.

I think about continue my day without everyone. I know everyone have replace my spot with someone better. It's okay. I'll never kill myself or slicing my skin or etc. I'll keep myself busy studying for next year. I'm ready for the new experience. Yesterday night was the night that changed me today. 15 August 2015, I'll remember this tragic date forever. The night where the truth is finally spoken. The night where my hands were bloody as hell collecting every pieces of my shattered heart. The night I'd lost my friends. The night where true friends supporting me. The night where the next morning I woke up with swollen eyes. The night I promised to pushed people away. The night I'd lost my trust in every people.

The night where nightmares finally became true in real life.


end

I got nothing to lose anymore. All this time I've been holding on for too long. I'd rather die compared to let it go. Even my parent hates me. Yaa I admit I cry a lot lately. I'm not good enough for everyone. I feel like I'm the one who burden all of my friends, syz, paiq, meman, nan and so on. All this time I'd thought that if I ever feel alone, just lower my ego and text them first. Be the one who start the convo. I guess it didn't turn out exactly like I want. I couldn't even get a text back. The only reason they told me is they thought that I was busy and they've decided not to bother me. They don't think that I'm stupid whores.. right? Lately I feel like my death is near. If I die.. me myself don't know who will show up. Appreciate me while I'm still alive. They only know how to keep in touch with me when they felt bored or smh.

I'd lost my appetite. Instead od cutting my skin with razor or drinking poison, I'll let myself starve to death. I'm tired. I don't know what's left for me in this world anymore. My home doesn't even feel like home. People in this house always misundertstood me, and I don't have any intention to correct them up. I take all the blame by myself even I'm not doing it. I'm too tired to fight with my parent. Just shouted how stupid I am everyday in this house. I'm no longer care. I'm already dying with the words that cut like Katana. I'm tired healing. I'm not giving up, I'm just done with all this chaotic things.

I enjoy being alone. Writing stuff that I've been thinking all day. Continue writing my online poem books. Because no one wants to hear my stupid, un-important stories about how I feel. I miss my friends. I miss Sufi and Ain's hug. I miss Mukhriz and Haziq's laugh. I choose them over my parent. I knew they've sacrifice a lot of things to keep me alive. But they way they treat me.. I wish I was dead after I was born. All I want is my life right now is a sketchbook, pen, pencil.. I just want my friends closer. I want to protect them from getting into trouble.. I feel like useless right now.Idk what to do now. help.