stand up

It's fasting month and Ain had left to Mimet last Sunday. Its ain't even July yet and I'm super duper bored. 4 more month till UniKL release their official letter to me. After that I just have to wait another 3 months. Gosh.. it is 214++ days more. I don't think I can't do this but how can I do. Last 12 June Ain told me that UITM had accepted my ' rayuan UPU '. Its DIP in Mechanical Engineering. Same U with Aina, Anis Syafiqah and etc at Penang. The funny part is.. they release the result at 12 June and asked me to go daftar at 15 June like dude. How tf I settled all my things in 2 days. I told Faiq about that and we promised to not telling anybody about that. Even my parent didn't know about that. Sorry mak .. abah. When my mum is mad.. she'll said that I'm useless because of my unsuccessful rayuan.. I keep telling myself that.. "okay deanna you know the truth.. just swallow those words" . wow I can control my self-stressed nowadays.

I keep asking Ain how the orientation week. Are those fellas out there being nice to you? Do you meet new friends? How about fasi? What activities they they asked you guys to do? Did you met sir effendy? haha calmly she answered those question and keep sending me tonnes of picture. The best part is.. she said she met that sir. OMG *cahaya harapan menyinari* No more crush there. My purpose is. Get a damn good result to impress the lecturer. Level ikhlas : Deanna 999 . After sliding the picture through Instagram, now I feel so scared to go through orientation week. What if everyone is so good-looking and it's just me with this face. Insecure naww. What If I get hate on the first day? What if my classmate didn't like me? During orientation.. all of us must get into the lake ok. I mean not the usual lake.. it's tasik kumbahan. Dude, I rather choose to stay cold in the sea. One more things is maybe I don't mention my Ig's name or whatsover. Even on averroes.. I'll hide my face than facing those seniors that following me. This insecurity things made my confident level went low. Nevermind I still had 200++ days to change that.

So my only problem right now is.. what I'm gonna do to fulfill these days. I ran out of friends. ahhh boringnyaa. I can't sleep all day. It hurts my brain and eyes. My eyes seems makin kabur. aduhhh. So last night I went through pictures to get some positive vibes. And I found this quotes.. it makes me feel excited to do stuffs in my life
"Get excited about the little things. About wearing new outfits for the first time. About Sunday brunches with your best friends. About the new cute guy in the class. About finding an extra dollar in your pocket. About anything that even remotely makes you happy because you grow up, passions fade and enthusiasms get mistaken for foolishness. So don't let the grey world stop you from shining" 

Why I should be sad? All this time I keep giving extra bullet for the wrong people. And I choose to be kind and soft-hearted to others even they didn't like me somehow. I'll do anything to make someone happy. Right now just focused on God. Boys? lol He had decided someone for me and I trusted Him. From now on.. I'll keep searching for new things. I'll go through dictionary to find some new words everyday. Plan a journal or somehow. Spend less time on phone. (For my sake of my eyes) haih.. I hope I could go through this 200 + days doing cool activities. gtg. boii #muahrightback


Hi. It's 11th June. By this 2.20pm. You're gonna be 18 years old. So this is 17 yars old you trying to say goodbye. 18 still cinsidered as teenage life but hey your school's life is officially over. I'm so sorry to be a such a burden for you. I'm not doing my 17 years old life so well. But I'd witnessed everything and learned something from that. I let go some people that don't deserve you. I want your 18 life be so good. Promise me wou won't repeated the same mistake as I did. Live your life. You deserve to be happy like everyone else did. Em I'd bad news to you.. now it is 1.32 am and no one really remembered your birthday.. syaz too. I remember I'm the one who wished him happy birthday last Feb but now where are him.. hmm listen. You don't need hm anymore. One day when you'd succeeded.. don't ever allow him to show up his face in front of you anymore. Dear 18 years old Deanna, after this, please don't trust people easily. I love you. I don't want you to be hurt like me. Keep that good attitude. Grow up. Don't show your weakness in front of other people. Hey last good thing that I do is.. I made you a card. A short story of your 17th life. I'll post it in dynowanted's ig hihi.

You're so not gonna miss me. I'd been backstabbed by my own classmate and old so called friends. My crush even broke my heart. I'm nothing. Sorry.If I could repeat this 17th life. I'll do it. I'm gonna fix my mistake and make sure you don't get hurt like this. But I can't. Dear 18th Deanna.. pay attention to the letter that I'd printed to you. I'd learnt my lessons. Once again promise me you'll further your studt at UniKL MIMET OKAYH? Don't ever let your parent changed that.Whatever happens, please don't hurt your body or mind. I love you. After all, my life isn't bad. I'm so grateful to have friends that support me throught thick and thin and not forgetting my existence. Saiyidah, Aina, Fatin, Anis, Ain, Mukhriz, Cupi, Ajiq and Faiq. Thos little rascals still be on your side Deanna. Please don't loose them. Take care of Faiq for me. That guy have been stressed enough to accompany me. Please don't ever pissed him again by saying layan awek le tu. He'll get mad.  Ahh I can sleep thinking of you. How my 18th life gonna be. It must be my mother scolding me for doing nothing. Lord please... She asked me what I want to eat for my birthday and I answer.. I don't know, it's up to you.. sorry 18th Deanna. I really can't think what's the best food for you. 

em Goodluck getting high cheekbone that you need. lol it seems impossible. Ya I hope you'll spent less time on your phone because tv shows are started to be interesting nowadays. Gosh it so hard to type in this dark room. Sorry for the typo. yeah I think I'll go to sleep right now. Last but not least.. be strong throughout this 18th life.Even the hates that you get seems annoying af, let them be. Don't give any attention to'em. Don't worry about not getting a boyfriend. Hey muka hang tak layak ada bf je pun hahahaha sorry. em. Focus on your study. Stay humble. Don't forget to pray 5 times a day. 

To all my friends, thank you for upporting me even my attitude is like satan baru keluar penjara Ramadhonn. Thank you for making my 17th life cheerful and wonderful. Thank\ you for taking me jalan-jalan without asking duit minyak. Thank you mukhriz yang selalu tak stop kereta and let me lari kejar buka pintu kereta. Fack aku penat tau lari vavi. Thank you ajiq ngn ain selalu belanja makan without worrying duit habis belanja gajah ni. Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you for sanggup tunggu satu sem kat universiti. Thank you for everything guys, Thank you kat Saiyidah and the gang. Kita dapat 8A sesama dulu. Sorry I'd make a mistake when I'm 16 and now I'm regretting it.Padan muka hakuuu.. Anyways.. wherever you are.. study smart weh!! Nanti dah berjaya kita gathering parking lambo sebelah menyebelah je kayh. This is all I could do for you 18th Deanna. Goodluck. Welcome to a new life. New age New Deanna huehue. I love you. Make sure you miss me back kayh!! buhbaii :') 


17th years old Deanna
dynowanted / averroes_ / denonandos

Move Forward

The time had come. I don't know maybe it's just my unstable emotion but... I was so heartbroken these past few days. I'm sad.. I scrolled my Instagram's feed and syaz upload a polaroid pic of him with the girl. I cried so hard. That I decided to block him on Instagram and wechat. I don't want none of his post breaks my heart. I also hide my birthday's notification on facebook. I don't feel any excitement to celebrate my own 18th birthday this year. Everyone are being assholes.. and my parent also pushing me.. said bad things about me and that stressing me off! Luckily that one guy is still by my side, paiq:) tak rasa nak sambut birthday ah tahun ni hmm. pergi ah tido segarkan mata. lel Deanna is always feels great to celebrate her birthday and he remember that. Am not put any high hopes onto him. One day he'll leave to.. found his soulmate. I'm scared that this situation gonna be repeated. Syaz situation. I put high hopes onto him and I'm the one who falls hard while he didn't care at all. I felt like all this time he's using me to escape from all his problems that he had or he just bored no one to talk to. And I always gave him second chance all over again that the reality is he shouldn't get that chance. hmm. Maybe I pros in all things but when it comes to love, I have bad luck in it. I'm not planning to have some type of goals that all teenager in my age want.. all I want is good friends, great job and money. I don't want to forget Him too. I put trust in Him. He knows what's the best for me and I'm waiting for it.

Just now I just change my dp with my pic of syaz and me last year. That's the happiest moment in my life and the greatest memory of all time which changes my life 360 degree. I won't be active using that Ig anymore. Everything there are hurtful. Thanks for the memories. I shall not forget each one of you. I want to have some me time now. I don't want to waste any time from now on. Move forward. I'm responsible for everything that happened. Maybe 2015 is not my year. Maybe it is Ain's year. Something good gonna happen at her. Who knows. I want to start planning again. Drawing dope things again. I want to read books. Maybe everyone around me including my parent hate me right now but hey next year I'll be gone. I planned to get a job on a ship. yep marine engineer. I don't care if I won't get married at the age of 40's. I want to be happy. How I'm supposed to make a guy happy even to myself couldn't do that. Hey once upon a time I was so scared knowing that I'm gonna be alone doing some activity.. from primary to secondary schools. But now, I don't even scared. I take that as a challenge. I'm gonna face all things alone. Doing all things by myself which I always ask Ain to do that. Mukhriz always scold me for that -,-

Yass change for the better. Ain told me that her mum will go to Makkah and she ask her to pray for our success. All of us going to UK for degree, one day InsyaAllah. I will work harder and smarter to achieve that. Please ease our journey dear God. I admit that 2015 is the toughest year in my life. I'm glad to be able to face and feel it. God is testing me and you what it's mean? It's mean God loves me and He remembers me. I shall not forget Him after this. Ramadhan is coming closer and I planned to do many prayer that I could. I don't plan to have a nice relationship with my family member as I knew it gonna be total failure. 6 months is not that long. I bear that in mind. but I pray for good things to happen in my life. Wish me luck!! lol it's like me wishing to myself. gotta go now hiks #muahrightback