The construction had already begun. I'm gonna hide behind that tall building so I can't see things that I hate from now on. I know this is sounded like selfish but I gotta do what I'd to do. The pain is unbearable. No one knows how close I am to the breaking point. The pain that I'd faced all this times seems dragging me down. It's gonna drown me into the sea. I couldn't swim onto the surface because the pain won't let me go. It feels like I'm already dead.. just not being burried in the soil yet. You don't know how strong you are untill strong is the only solution you got left. My type of strong is, I'll not online intagram for a while now. It keeps my heart break into pieces. And guess what.. the only thing that I got to do is move on and stand up.. chin up high. I'm gonna wrecked this uni's life and become an engineer. Because we engineer are like nuclear bombs. It's one of those intelligent profession and one day I'll be back and show to 'em how pain can change a person.

I guess I'd nothing to worry about as all my loved ones are gone and there's no way they can hurt me now. Yeah I still got my friends walking besides me. But me myself have to face the problem. If only I could substitute people to replace me.. nah. If I lose everything and even the world are against me.. my only wish is.. I still want to be me. Maybe next day or so on I'll be the same but from the inside I'm change. I just want to say goodluck to those satans out there and congratulation.. because you did destroyed my life and make my motivation from 100 to -150. Thank you. I just want to say that the next time we'll ever meet.. I will say I'm sorry.. because my back breaks your knife :)


I woke up at 7am after my mother calling my name to ask me to put her things into the car. My lil bro is getting ready to school. My father and first bro had left as his school is far away from my house. While they are doing their things. I just thinking that will last night plan will work out as I got very nervous and praying to God things will get better. After getting ready, I messaged Asyraf, he said that he's on the way to my house after picking up Mukhriz and Ain. They all came from Kangar to Kuala Perlis nohh.. yang sikit tak jauh sajis. I thought that they will take a longer time to get here as suddenly my phone's ringing. It was Ain.. They'd said that they'd arrived. As soon as they arrived.. Asyraf's car have a little bit problem as the engene is getting so hot. The metre almost hit the red. While they fixing the problem with my neigbour.. I invited Ain to get into my house. It is the first time for Ain to come into my house. Then Mukhriz and Asyraf came in as the problem had been settle. After done planning what we'll do next.. we all got into Asyraf's car and we head up to Pizza Hut as we all were so hungry.

Mukhriz took some pictures of us while waiting for the food. Then Haziq aka my imagination father came. We talk a lot of things.. gosipping. Lama tak jumpa gini ah. When the food arrived.. we share our food.. masing-masing merasa.. lelelel. After done eating.. we went to our school.. for your information we all had finished schooling since last year. We go to text book's room to give back the the text book that we'd borrowed. While I was standing at the door.. Asyraf said with terror.. "weh Deana.. Sazali!" and I just like.. ha?! and started hiding. And I asked him again.. who's the fck is Sazali.. ?? hahaha he thought that Syz's name is Sazali.. omgomg kahkahThen we went to the office to ask about our Koko's marks. They'd said that the marks will check in next week. Idk if this words will come true or nah. We'd met cg Roslela!! we missed her.. she gave us some motivation for the upcoming result.. what had happened..its happened. geddit>? hiks We'd noticed something different. The school was a bit quiet that before. I wonder what teachers had said to 'em sampai jadi laguni. lolz. While walking, we met cg Osman. he asked what we do here as there're no job vacancy here. lelx. We just lepak kat rumah ja this whole holiday. My mum doesn't let me werk.

We met cg nurul at Dewan Makan Asrama as there are form 4's student having their orientation. Szali and the gang must be there. And I was like weh Ain.. cover me.. For God's sake I don't want to see those group. My heart can't take it. huh. After that, we went back to the office to ask about Ain's graduation file. Unfortunately the couldn't find it so we'd to wait like so long as they were searching for the file. Then Mukhriz's had an idea to find cg Jaaizah. omg we talk a lot with her. She's such a humuorous lady. She definitely miss us. We met cg Rohimi there. After spending time with her.. we went back to the office and thank God they found the file. Then Asyraf invited us to eat soto in front of the school.. kira legend ah tempat tu. Time SPM time gap tu makan sini ahh.. hahaha such a throwback dengan teringat zaman maki budak2 hok menyembang dengan takder meja kosong.. lulz. After eating.. we went to Kuala Perlis to sent me off.. Luckily my father don't come home yet.

When my father came back.. he just like ok for everything that happened today as I asked Ain and Mukhriz helped me wrote those words in text messages to send to my father. Then my mom come back and she just don't like aaand I'd get grounded. ah fck it. But nevermind next week I'll asked my father to send me to school as I'd to settle my file. fuh. Today is such a great day, Thank you for putting effort to pick me up and hangout together. Such an unforgettable memories today.. thank you guys muah muah. Our family is completed. no backstabber i hope. xoxo



I've built my walls too high that no one could break it down. For some people who might know me especially my close ones, they know that I don't open up easily. It's funny how I've been hated by some humans because I can't satisfy their curiosity. Well I choose what to tell, you have no other choice than to deal with it. I think it's better to keep things to yourself because not everyone can understand what we have been through. They can assume anything, I don't care. You can call me bullheaded or selfish prick but you seriously have no idea what actually happened to me

I'd deactivate my twitter and facebook account.
I can't make it.

New Year Eve

Well hullo
Today is 1st January 2015
Alhamdulillah I'm still breathing and nothing bad happened. I'm gonna start this year with brand new me. No more angry Dean just the calm Dean. Whatever happen, happens. That's it. Last year had taught me about a lot of things. I think that last year is the most remembered year among the past. I met new people. I'd involved in such a stupid fight. With the junior kayh!! So immatured lah you ni. I just.. em mad because she's trying to get syz while syz and me fatrher among each other. Moreover, now I can adapt the fact that no one will last forever with you.. even he/she once upon a time admitted to be your best friends. I can see the person who's stay with you through thick and thin and the one who'd leave you when you're in trouble. He/She are happy to see when good things happened to you and can't accept if the things that you got is more that they have. I'd to deal with that type of person a lot last year. 2015.. fck those people and live your life even your heart hurts seeing their tweets/status about you in social media.. sorry buddy. I'd to do this for you because I'm fcked up last year. I cried a lot last year because of boys and now.. I don't want to know about boys anymore. I'd rather single that involve in such a complicated relationship. Such a waste of time. I learned to be more grateful this year and whatever God's decision.. I learned to accept without asking the reason why it must be happened.

Last year my relationship with my best male friends that's T aka Mukhrizzz had been better from past years. Even he'd such a laser mouth but it's okay rather that he's acting fake. He's the one that text me personally if anything felt wrong and I'm the stupido little things will replied nothing and he's gonna be mad but it does not shown physically. I admitted that I'm jealousy type. Even someone commented at my best friend social media accout, I'll stalk them secretly.. (is there any person that stalk in public?) So there's goes my short reply. I'll mute my phone for a day just to see their reaction. But mostly I would get.. 0 notification. haih. PT3's result had been announced and my sweet little nerdy guy got 10A's I'm so proud of him. So this whole time I'm trying to get syz's attention untill I forgot the one who'd stay and support me since 2012 is exist. I got a picture with him last year em whic is nice because he'd changed school idk whick school he's into but I always hope and pray that one day I'll get a chance to meet him and we'll gonna talk about something funny and he'll tied my shoes when he's in form 2. Gaah I'm gonna burst into tears right now. I miss him. He's the one that can understand my mind and take everything for granted, I remembered that one time I shouted at him, I asked him to delete my number and he says no in front of the people. He's the one who always forgot my birthday each year.In 2013, It's 12th June, he forgot my birtday yesterday and I watched him from far at the library.. he's acting that he's reading a book in front of my table and suddenly he stood in front of me and talked to me. And I just.. can you not! haih such a sweet memory. About syz, maybe I'm gonna give him some silence treatment throughout this year because I just hate him. Ego makes everything worst. Let him be happy if he want to. Maybe he'll be more happy if I dissapear from his life. em about webbit. hiks I like him. he just like another copy of my lil nerdy.  we'll talk about tortoise and webbit form hours if we want to. haih thank you for being cute with me nan webbit :)

Okay this year I'm gonna start my new hobby which is writing diary and sketching. It would be great as this year at March the SPM result gonna be announce and it's so nerve-wrecking told ya. Let go and let God. fuh Aaan look! a new widget up there. It's from my Instagram. It's no longer private because there's nothing to hide. Just a picture of ugly me and my gorgous friends. This year resolution is gonna be get fit. Ya, after the incident that happened to me last year. I gotta have to be strong than ever. What's incident? em I'd confessed to one of my crush that I liked him aand he replied. Sufy told me that he could adapt the fact this stupido girl love him but the other day I asked Miruls and he said that guy already have a girlfriend and I'm so heartbroken. My heart shattered but please. Just let it be. Don't try to glued it back.. it gonna break again in the future no worries I'm fine. If anyone asked me to get married probaly I'll just said yes. Even he's stranger and I don't care because I don't have any boyriend :p This year I'm gonna focus to my study and maybe gain some money because I love the expensive things. My goals is PS4,IPhone or MacBook cuz this netbook and S3 always hang. I need to hit it with hard thing before it's gonna well functioning  back again. And I'll reducing my time on social media and started to take care of the nature and see something green because my eyes are getting worse. Short-sightness is not even cool man so kids, take care of your eyes well. But I'd bad news.. I'd started obsessed with this runningman thingy aaaaa.. I love Kang Gary and Ji Hyo. Gah fck it come on Dean,, It's part of kpop. em everyday I must watch one episode before I'd my job done. Well my life gonna be ruined after this. I started to play a lot of video games nowadays because it makes me forget about my personal problem and maybe it could increase my response skill so I could be more alert. Yeah last week my neighbor's house had caught on fire and I didn't even notice.. two firetrucks and ambulance came and I'd still sleep without realizing anything. oops!

But anyways, this year a lot of people had been eliminated from my life and still a long journey and one more fact is, I still 17 years old and not 18.. 11 June 2015 will be my 18. you get it> ?okay nice. so overall this is my new year resolution :

  • Be a good human being
  • Write diary everyday even I don;t have time I'll make time for it
  • Complete 5 prayers in a day
  • Less time on social media and more time for myself
  • Stop hoping on things that never work out
  • Let go and Let God
  • Complete mission is steam
  • Do good deeds to people
  • Be a calm dean
  • Smile a lot
  • Be more loyal
  • Stick to the plan