2am thoughts

Omg my both ears are on fire (not api tu, panas call lama2) It's already December guys. Most people whining about how fast 2015 going, for me, I wish this year could end faster than my feelings. My December is awful, today, my favourite humble and kind prince, Tunku Jalil died because of cancer. Of course I cried when I heard the news. From that moment, I knew, I've to change. (I mention about 'change' a lot but never did it, .. ...) In any minutes, people that we love could be gone. From now on, let me take care of my friends that worth time.

I can't wait to leave those people (that I hate) in 2015 and start a new life in 2016. This year is huge for me. People around me started to show their true colours. I don't hate those people that much, because once upon a time they make me happy. Why would I regret for having them in my life? I feel like, I wamt to thank them personally for making me realize that I've that power, the power to choose,.. the power to paint my own canvas. I know this things ain't easy. Its been a month since I talked (chat) with syaz. Of course I missed him, but then I realize how he make me feel really bad,sick , I cried every night asking myself what I did wrong. I've the answer. All this time I was expecting people will treat me the same way I treat them. Nope. It's good for you to be kind and nice, but don't expect anything in returned because not everybody have the same heart like you. Just be kind, ikhlas, forgive them and forget what they'd done to you. That's how our religion teach us. I disagree 'forgive but never forget'. It means, you maafkan diorang tapi tak ikhlas so what's the point of forgiving? learn to let go things and people, your life will getting better.

I used to say this a lot but syaz was right. No point of 'menyepi'. It only wasting your precious time. When I'm about to hit the ground, my head suddenly started functioning.. why should I feel bad with myself? I have Anis, Ain, Mukhriz, Sufi, Syed, Hazwan (not 24/7 but I can trust him) and not forgetting Paiq. Why should I be sad over syz that only know me for 1 year++ when paiq and hazwan know me since I was 16 and they don't leave me. Its not my loss, actually he's the one who lose someone that care about him. Mukhriz and I are friends since we're 13 and yet he still stay with me. (I got A in my English SPM bcs of him, I wrote a karangan about him and the examiners seems touched with my story.. tak aku main hentam je tah si examiner tu muntah darah apa baca karangan tu) Paiq is my favourite supporter for this past 2 years. He always giving me the positive vibes but I always denied the positive and accept the negative. Sorry my bad. I do like him but I'm afraid he'll ended up like syz so I decided to stop talking to him. High hopes is the mother of all dissapointments. Kalau ada jodoh, he'll never leave. Syed. He's really something. I could spend the whole day with him talking about everything, At least he's not the judgmental type. We could talk about keeping up with pk and all stuff for months. Mati bersama pn steady hahahaha jkjk. So yeah let me keep in touch with this bunch of kiddos only. At least my death certificate nnti takdak tulis cause of death: terperangkap dalam batu belah batu bertangkuk sbb nak commit suicide gaya hipster.

My social life. Maybe I'll not update any status anymore. Just keep it to myself only. I'm selfish. I don't want to share my happiness with people who don't deserve it. Let me make you happy and let others keep wondering why we're doing better than them. Maybe I'll read more. I'll start writing and sketching again. I miss drawing but I've art-block :/ Oh I'm gonna start playing games yey Dota 2, Warframe and etc. Paiq and Hazwan plays Dota 2 too, maybe through gaming we could become closer like we used to 2 years ago :) 

I was sad before this, I lost 2 favourite people in my life (my fav comedian and a humble prince) but after almost 1 hour wechat call with syed just now, I was like hey my life isn't bad. I do have friends. I was busy being sad, emotional about the idea of 'lonely' sampai terlupa there're people who still love me the way I am. I forgot that I've the life that people wish they had!! I'm so sorry guys, I won't let it happened again. This year is a unforgettable year. Nak masuk 2016, 6 years of blogging. Next year I'll update about uni's life. How fast time flies right? macam baru kelmarin update pasal takut turun kelas time nak masuk form 2's life. I plan nnti taknak celebrate my birthday, tak suka umur nak masuk 2-series dah okay. I'm 18 years old but with paiq, hey I never changed, I've that 16 years old atittude.

Throughout my journey, all I can say is.. never give up. Time nak give up tu la macam2 jadi, crush lama datang balik, tetiba rapat dengan kawan lama, something that you never expect. Be kind to everybody, it won't hurt you. But if someone try to take advantage over your kindness, better pijak dulu orang tu, layak kena belasah ramai2 ja org camtu. Believe in yourself, defend what's yours. You have your rights too. Let go people who don't help you stepped up your game. Lift your head up, tunduk just nk admire jam tangan je kayh, jangan tunduk dekat org unless sebab nk tunjuk hormat skgi kena label remaja tak guna. If you gaduh with your friends or gf/bf, please think about your words before you spit it out, takkan satu salah dia, kebaikan dia yg lama ter'cancel'. Think wisely. You may lose them. That's it.

So this is my last posts in 2015. I wish you guys have a great year like mine. Don't screw up your December, because next yeat you might don't want to sing a long Taylor's back to december song. Next year Syed gonna take PT3 and Syz and the gang have to face SPM while I'm busy preparing for uni's registration. Goodluck kiddos!! hm for syz maybe congrats seiton elele kdak jk. goodluck y'all!

Till we meet again.

(( I wish next year gonna be a plot twist somehow)) 

The guy from the camp


Oh my God there're a lot of things that happened this month. For reference, just read my 2011 post and you'll have a clear answer why I'm happy right now. So let me recap what happened in 2011. Anis and me have to go to the camp which is at Timah Tasoh. 50% of me don't want to join it but I've to since no one else volunteer to represent the school. While I was there, there's one guy that caught my eyes. Whenever I got the chance, I'll stare at his face for a long time. *never get caught* *I'm a pro in this okey* At first I thought, 'nah this crush thingy gonna over when the camp is over' but no. He haunted me for about 4 years now. So when I started to friend with Syz.. I friend with Nan too, coincidently nan is his lil brother. ((refer to the last 2 post, I wrote about nan)) and I was like dammn this whole things ain't true tho. When I was in form 4, I chat with Nan in facebook and somehow.. the one who replied my messages is his brother so we ended up unfriend each other. Lol.

So I took a decision to forget about my camp crush whatsover and move on with my life.. untill yesterday. I was bored so I looked what my following were doing in Instagram and I accidentally found his Instagram. Dude, this ain't real. I looked at his tag photos.. nah, boom gmbr family kat situ. What's your reaction? I took 2 solid minutes to digest the things that just happened and of course I'm screaming and laugh histerically. Guys.. I waited 4 years for this moment and already planned our kid's name. When you about to give up things, it happened. Where were you for this past 4 years?! ughh. I've to meet Anis and tell her the full stories. Can't wait to see you mate!! So I followerd his Instagram and he requested to follow me back. OH MY GOD! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! my crush want to follow me back!! So.. to indirectly show him that I'M SINGLE... I delete Mukhriz's picture. Not all but some of 'em... ((I'm a terrible friend to you)) and he was so upset about it. Sorry mukh!!

Is it real? I still can't believe all this things. Of course he look a lil bit different but our face almost look the same?! You'll create your own fact just to make your heart feels relieved and trust that he's your future husband tho haha. Everyone does the same thing right?! Right now I gotta have to behave like a good girl, no crazy caption like usual whenever I posted a picture in that Instagram.. finally y'all can see the angel side of Deanna. If I get the chance to go to his house.. and his mother asked me to sit on the couch or whatsover.. automically I'll say 'MasyaAllah this remind me about how I sit every night reading al-Quran'. Ok that's the worst way to show off in front of your future mother in law. Don't do it. Please. But damn dude, if we ended up getting married.. our kids must be proud. Like yo our mum waited for years for our dad to realise that my mum exist in this world  and now here they are!! omg that's the worst imagination I could imagine.

But I still excited weyh. The last things I don't want to see is he already get himself a girlfriend. Please don't do it to me. God, please give me a chance to love somebody beside Allah and my family. I never get myself into relationship before, this is once in a lifetime oppurtunity. ((omg I sound like a desperate bitch right now)) But if its true that he's my prince who stuck on a tree while looking for his true love.. he better not coming down from that tree, let this badass princess get him down by hand... and of course I'll give him a beautiful long ass speech of lecture about how I feel for this past years while we're walking towards the castle. I should take diploma in directing films & etc somehow haih. I never thought this things gonna happened to me after all this heartbreak that I've to face :') It's time for me to change (I repeat this sentence for abt 300 times in a row I think) Gotta be so good that no one could ignore me after this.

To people out there, patience lead you to something great that you never think of. Don't give up pal :)

Friend appreciation post : Beni

p/s: bukan beni 


Lately I've been texting someone.. who once I hate the most because his resting bitch face is too strong. After all this chaos that happened lately, I really need a friend who can help me to face all of this and make me forget about someone that I used to love. So it all started in wechat, I just messing around in the comment section whenever he post his status. Actually I still scared to approach people in the internet.. (takut patah hati lagi le huhuhu) but hey, tegur je la.. beni je pun. I call him b or beni because I'm lazy to type his full name.. and I think it is fair because he put my name in his contact list as 'banana'!!! why banana? because he only remembered that my name have 'na' at the end so he just write banana. Actually it is cute.. banana instead of deanna. I should call him 'belimbing' instead of beni.(belimbing sound nice) (his full name is super long that when I first heard it I almost choked) .... So we don't chat everyday, which is good because if it's not.. I would ended up being in the same situation like syz. Putus contact terus.

Oh before that, I dah tau who's nan's crush... (My stalking skill is getting better. I don't know whether I should feel worried by now :/  ) what do you feel? patah hati la seiton haih takpe la move on. When is the first time you knew beni exist in the world? pfft I knew him after I met syz.. all of his clan added me on facebook which is terrifying back then. But Beni and me were not doing so well that we ended up having major fight over the internet. I'm not that bold when he sent those messages so I asked my friends to reply his messages hahahahaha but that was a year ago. I'm the one who apologized.. (yea of course I'm the one who should apologized) but he seems not even care. ouch. So months goes by.. and here we are.. look who replying my messages right now? wuhuu #sishappy hahahaha

So this time I promise myself to treat him well.. not like others. We both have a lot of similarities.. one of the similarities is.. we both are the heartbroken ones.. being turned down by our partner. (sedeyy wey hahah) I told him about I've no friend that willing to chat with me (mukhriz and ain were busy) and he said.. it was suck to be me ugh. But he's right.. it was suck to be deanna. haha jk. At this stage of my life I really need someone who can trigger my mind to look at the positive side and he's the one hahaha (gua tak try beni kayhh) He always giving me some good advices and the most importantly.. he stopped me from killing myself aka suicide hahahaa he always ended up his words with "jangan bunuh diri". I won't kill myself , there're so much goals that I want to accomplish in my life including taking beni to France to eat churros in front of Eiffel Tower. (haih ultimate wife material sunnguh la kan aku ni tapi tu la.. single) and he thought me about don't ever chase people anymore. When the time comes, that person who can treat you well will automically comes to you. (tew sastera cangatt) but it's true tho, the less you care, the more it comes.

Anyways all I want to say is,, thank you beni for stepping into my life at the right time. I was so depressed about the idea of having no one to talk to about my problems and etc but hey there's you.. taking over faiq's position for a while. (listening to my crap stories and my hambar nak mampus jokes). After this, when I see somone with a A+ resting bitch face, I'll not assume him as sombong or whatever.. he may be nice, fun and sporting.. like beni. The past sometime affected them so we shouldn't judge them by looking at their face only. So yeah, I hope for a better day tomorrow and I could move on from things that hurts me.

(I hope Beni don't feel something unusual after reading this post, I'm not normal.. I hope he get that fact and understand my situation huhu)

Beni fr lyfe

Red Velvet


I've this one funny story to tell you guys, so last Tuesday I was hanging out with Ain and Mukhriz. I was planning to give a cake to afnan (for his birthday's suprise pfft). I already told Syed the night before, so he's the one in charged (I trust him over 100% !). I told him it'll be 'secret recipe's cake'. But I don't know maybe we're too early and we're in rush, I just bought mc cafe red velvet's cake. So after having breakfast, we went to school to take our SPM and PMR's certificate. (hmm pmr 2012, 2015 baru datang tuntut) Suprisingly, nurin, nazeefa, aisyah and aiza were there too. We're having mini reunion outside the school's office. While I was talking to Mukhriz, I thought I saw someone that I hate from the bottom of my heart.. (I hate myself for having this long-sightness problem). I thought I saw Najah coming and the least thing I thought I'm gonna do that day was jumping off the building but of course I didn't do it. I did the sign language to Mukhriz asking 'is that her?' and phew he said no, it was somebody else. Haih I don't know, I just.. I'm not ready to see those faces that set me on fire everytime they did something. Oh about that cake.. I asked Ain to put it under the table @ lorong gelap. True dermarian will know what is 'lorong gelap'. (taklah gelap mana sebab pasang lampu tapi ntah.. takkan lorong cerah kan.. ..) But I admitted that I was stupid too.. I don't write Syed's name on that package because who the f in the school will hide a cake.... I was feeling nervous for the entire day and guess what..

credit to syed
He didn't pick that cake because he thought it was someone else's........ I was having severe mental breakdown, I don't know whether to cry, mad, merajuk and kill myself that day. But again,of course Syed will save Deanna's day kan. So he decided to pick the cake the next morning. The cake is still eatable? Syed don't have any medical problem untill today so I can confirmed that, my cake didn't hurt Afnan's tummy. Oh and I put kitkat inside that box too. (pehh wife material gitu kan deno ni homaigod.. but still single. fml) Maybe his next birthday I will be using pos laju to send the gift straight to his home as this situation could be repeated in the future lololol. But it was fun doe, today (Thursay) he said thanks via whatsapp. I was having a severe mental problem for about 5 minutes hahaha. Do you guys have any idea for how long my phone was in silent.. nobody text me... . But of course, I'm acting cool by asking 'for what' and yea I can feel that he already annoyed. Damn I'm stupid with boys. So I just 'ok cool u got the cake mmkayh lebiuu' (no I didn't send that, ego vs ego) and he replied with smile emoji with wink eyes. And again I'm too happy that I smile for 10 minutes. (someone pls take me to tg rmbutan asap, teruk sangat dah ni merenyam & menggedik) And of course my two favourite satans (Mukhriz and Ain) will make fun of the cake in the ws group that evening.

Hey I just joking about nan's stuff. I knew he already have someone special so I just leave him alone. For serious tho, I'm pretty sure that I'll never move on about syz. Everytime I sleep, whether it is him, the girl will be featured in my dreams. I ended up trying not to cry and hurting myself. Of course I miss him but .. nothing that I can't do. I decided to disable my dynowanted's instagram account. I just need a break from all this things. Things wouldn't happen if I didn't upload zarul's picture, but why I must regret ..? I want things to be normal again but it wouldn't be the same. My absence didn't affected him so that's the reason I did all of this. From this day, I want to change for the better me.. (it's more like I want to distract myself from thinking about him anymore). I won't be active on social media anymore. I want to learn something new .. I'll try studying spanish languange slowly.. ye study didn't hurt my heart like he did so .. I will try. It's hard for me to just closed the door that leads to my heart when the door itself have been blown away in pieces. Lucky her for having him as her boyfriend. Everyone is changing but there's me.. still stick up with the old deanna. I don't want to change. I'll hiding from all this people for a while and I'd knew there's no one will finding me. I'm losing myself. But there's no one will understand me like he did. I couldn't compare him with others because he's the best. I pray for the better things after this. I'm sorry. I will cancel the disable option next year. Whatever happens..

I'm there for you

Its Time

Do you regret for choosing to leave?

I don't know what to say anymore. I hope things will get better after this. I'm tired being the waves, always returned to the shore. I want to get lost in deep sea right now, never going back in the same place. I know he's doing well without me. I know he's gonna be happy even when I'm gone. I know my absence never affected him,

But I know him before he lost who he is. I'm sure that one day, when someone mention my name in front of him, his mind will trigger the memory of me. He'll never get rid of me in his life like mine. Everytime when he did something that I hate the most, I'll hurt myself over and over again by punching somethings hard that will make me feel the physical pain and forget the pain that you caused. I'm tired crying over the same things. Maybe I never learned from the past.

I hope when he realize that I'm no longer there for him, he feels like half of his soul just taken away. I never leave with empty hands, I brought a part of his souls away with me too. Each day passed, I still waiting for his name to pop up in my phone. Yesterday, I was sleeping in the afternoon when suddenly someone sending me whatsapp. I thought it was you. 100% sure it was you. So I just let it be and continue to sleep. Idk what had happened but I felt like I opened up your messages and you said hi and we ended fighting again. So I checked your vsco and you uploaded a picture of her. It  feels so REAL! then I woke up. It was someone else sending me messages.. not you. This had happened many times before and I put all the blames on satan. fuck u for playing with my heart.

For how long do I need to pretend that I was wrong all the time? How many times do I need to ask for your apology? I wish leaving you are not in my option but it just happened and I asked for it. I never said good bye. I left without saying anything. I want you to feel completely numb like I used to feel. I want you start questioning yourself what you did wrong. I want you to feel empty. I want you realize that I'm not irreplaceable like you think. I want you to think that actually you need deanna in your life.

I continue to walk without looking back anymore and no one could stop me. Yes, I might suffering trying to deny that I miss you. But at least I already make my first move. This part of your soul that I steole for you, I'll take care of it. Prevent it from any bad vibes in this world. The things that I hold right now... the original syazani that I'd knew in 2014,


" You might have ruined my past and screwed up my present, but I won't let you touch my future"

Hi. So I finally can accepted the fact that maybe I'm all alone right now. I've learn to control myself from voicing out my anger in social media and keep things to myself only. Faiq was right, it's not okay to hide your feelings.. not talking to anybody because it'll cause stress. All this time I used to text syz just to clear out my mind from bad vibes and now.. he's my bad vibes. Whenever I 've a nightmares, I'll text him right away and he'll always be there to reply. hm . But right now, no one will ever listen to my nightmares, my stupid jokes, sharing funny stuffs that I found in the interner like him anymore. I try to do the same things on different person but their reaction isn't the same. But I get it, he has a girlfriend right now and I'm the one who need to back off. But thanks tho, I looked at my phone lesser than I used to be (good for my short-sightness) and I start to re-build myself. I pray everyday asking God to give me the strengths to conquer this world alone. I thanked Him for my past , now and the future. I'm glad for what had happened to me and I'll never complained about this no more.

So I just had this one crazy idea about travelling alone?! Maybe while I'm doing diploma, I can join senior's event like hiking or diving. It'll be fun tho. But my first priority right now is to get diving and swimming license. It would be a major joke yknow, Marine engineer tapi tak boleh swim lol. When I finished dip, I'll be on board for a year or more than that.. I want that chief engineer title so bad tho. That's my ultimate goals in my life beside having someone that I called a husband?? hahaha I'm not girlfriend or wife material. I just.. I don't know how to act like a girl when I'm with boys. Ok just forget about that.. so I decided to dissapear for a long time starting right now. I'm not ready to meet anyone that I used to know. Its just.. let God decide what will happen to us. But if someone having crush on me hahaha ade keee if la kan 'if'.. just chill out. You don't know where am I that time but hey, jodoh tak ke mane huhu. lek lek

Iceland. I would love to own a house in Iceland. Is it cool don't you think? It could be perfect for a lonely girl like me so let me enjoy the nature instead. Make love with penguin if I could find one. aww. How about the transportation? Hey I'm an engineer, I could afford a ship and bicycle that time. I choose bicycle over cars (for the sake of my chubby legs). I can't wait to feel that cold-ass weather that make me regret for going there. (I stg I'm whining to much @ anis when we went to I-City, it was too cold for me). And hey, maybe there's no one will ever notice that I'm gone.. but it's okay. I'm used to it starting a month ago. 

Personally, when you realised that you're all alone right now, it makes you think. "hey I should love myself because no one will except your family members". Its time for me to stop hurting myself, chasing people who cleadrly don't want me in their life or being busybody towards other life. You shouldn't hate that person who date your crush or ex, he/she need a life too. When I gain all my strengths, maybe I'll come back searching for you, watching you from far. Hey if I found out you're in trouble or whatsover, I'll help you.. silently. I'll tell that person in charge to not metioning my name kahkahkah anonymous sangaatt

Everyday, I just try to deny the unwanted feelings in my mind but I just can't. It makes me sad tho because you don't know the urge to have somebody to talk about my problems and insecurities is so damn high. I'm scared to trust people anymore. Everyone have their own connection with my enemies and I don't want them to know my weakness. When your enemies know your weakness, damn life gonna be so hard because they'll use your weakness point to turn you down. People did to me several times and sumpah I won't go through that phase for the second time. I'll sketch or watch reality shows just to distract me from looking at my phone. Why you don't start the convo first? Tbh, I'm so done to start the convo first. Because people will leave me hanging or they've 0 interested to reply. So yeah. I'll never do that ever again. 

I'm sorry for choosing to dissapear. I'm taking my first step to re-build myself to be a better person. I wish you could respect my decision. I hope we'll meet again in the future / real life. -DW

I'm not afraid of tomorrow,I've seen yesterday and I love today.

Letter to Afnan

So hi, I know it's way too late for me to wish your birthday but hey...  Happy 16th Birthday! I know we're not actually closed like others. I hope I could have some more times to get to know you deeper because I don't know much about you. We started to know each other pun.. in a bad way kan.. (I feel really guilty untill today). I try to send you messages but I feel like I'm disturbing your super duper busy life..  so it ended as the unsend text to you :/ But I did remember the first time I saw you at library with that hella scary shoes. Actually before that I took a closer look at your shoes wondering who's the owner. (you can label me as weirdo now) But meh I decided to go away and waiting for my friend to finish her things and then you came. Dude my heart went 80 to 189 real quick. (you're the second guy who could give me a heart attack after paiq). Don't ask me why because I didn't know the answer either. I don't remember how I got your phone's number but I'm glad to have your number in my phone's book (but you must be really annoyed and regret for having me in your life.. sorry) 

My first impression about you are.. hm let me think. You're a secretive person. You've a brilliant mind and don't talk too much unless it's important. haih that's all I can tell you . Strangers > friends hmm. I know you're a kind guy with that 'ceo' style. If you want to kill me, just dressed up in suits with that goddamn nice hair and just showed up in front of me . I'll be dead in less than 1 minute. (cause of death: her heart stop funtioning after Afnan showed up in front of her in the middle of nowhere) jk  (hey you look good in blazer but unfortunately I can't see you in prefect's uniform in real life.. just pictures) Maybe that's why paiq always told me to make peace with you because he knew you're good  & he rely on you to make me happy. (lucky I don't tell him how heartless & short your reply to me.. sedih oo tapi at least ada emoji) to be honest, you make me smile without even trying pun. I see you online whatsapp pun bahagia. #amnotcrazy

but hey.. you owe me a picture. It's hard for me to remember that day but I've to.. remember you say 'no' to me when I ask you for a picture. (and again you're the second guy who make me cry in 2014 ...) that day you you make my confidence level drop to -50 and I hate myself. I know you'll say 'padan muka' @ me after you read it.. kan! benci betul la ish. So that's why I decide to cut you off in my life and that's the stupidiest decision in my life tbh. It 's sad for me tho everytime I saw everyone uploading their personal picture with you.. it makes me thinks the 'life is so unfair' quotes seems true. The first 2 months are not okay, it's always hard to try deleting somebody who you used to adore in your mind. But of course every day I'm thinking about you. ( I did that to everybody, chill). So here am I .. trying to forget the past and  make peace with you and still.. you're acting cold and playing hard to get. yeah I'm sorry for messing up with  your life, being annoying and so on.. but I feel sorry to your future girlfriend / wife too.. knowing the hard work that it takes to grab your attention without a war. ( like I used to..  you won the war) I hope you may find the right one. (**psst 'me') kdak change subject.

So.. I hope you're in good mood throughout this 2015 without any serious problems or depression or whatsover. ( hey you're not the troublemaker right ) I know you're always taking your study seriously like your friend at Kajang and personally I don't even concern about your grades. ( afnan always on top.. I knew it since day 1 ) Goodluck for your final year exam! I wish you're surrounded with good people that will stay loyal to you even your eyes are closed and your back is turned.  In 2 years from now, I want to see Afnan pursue his study in good university, chasing his goals... Life can be tough, but you're tougher. ( I knew you could make it) just don't give up in everything you do..  quitter never win :) Happy Birthday again!  -DW

So em can we restart all over again?

Hi my name is Deanna and you can call me deno. 18 years old younger than you obviously. I want to be your friend. Will you ?


Hi guys,
I went to Penang yesterday and hey I bought another alphabet's sticker! (I always paste it on my netbook). Anyways, everyone have their own robin aite? All the things that you did with them aren't same with others but the sad side is you can't have them for the rest of your life.. I mean, they can't be your boyfriend / husband. hm yup I've one. If I want to do something that benefits me, he always be there supporting me. So that's why I decided to hide his identity. I always used Syz's name if they asked me about love related question.. maybe it's because he already used to it. em maybe he hate me right now. But I don't mind that so much right now. There's no way I'm gonna post his name and let the world knows about him. (overly attached deanna alert).

The other day I was texting him whining about everything. But when he asked me for the reason.. I just can't talked about it. Ye la takkan nak merungut pasal orang tu.. he's not mine pun hm. So I just asked him to forget about what I said. "tak baik pendam nanti stress". I want him to sit in front of me like we used to do. 4 years of our friendship.. we used to talk in person a lot than using our phone. Facebook pun tak add okey xD For your information I get my smartphone when I was 16. So whatsapp don't even exist in our life. But even with my smartphone, I never take his picture secretly because.. hey let me watch this face before I missed any moment because I knew he'll leave me one day. (That one day is now.. 2015 *cries*)

strangers in public, babygirl in private. aww hahaha harey geli aku. But sort of lah. If I see something I didn't like at school, balik sekolah siap la dengar deanna mengadu 6 perenggan. I can't stay mad at him for a long time. (if only he'd knew about this haih). But right now he's focusing on his spm. I miss him but .. I'll only ended up disturbing him. He always replied me with punch emoji everytime I said I miss him. And always say no to my girlfriend question. "mane de, deanna ada la pakwe". kena reverse psychology je selalu. I always saw those gang who try to show off their partner and I was like.. hmm nakk jugakk but then I realised about hiding his identity so I just.. okay jangan upload. I've only one picture of us. ONE. IT'S TRUE. tu pun sebab lepas ni dia duduk jauh. sedihnya seorang deanna huhu.

So right now I've 3 months to go before I enter uni's life. The ultimate goals is.. I want to get rid of this fat. I'm a lot chubbier that ever dude. No way I'll wear those marine uniform with this type of body. Can you imagine petrona's gas tank wearing a uniform. huhuhu cek tak miauuu. And I want to start planning my study scheldule. Engineering is a tough subject to score if you don't know how to tackle the tactic. tew ayat hahaha. Probaly I'll start with addmath. Chemistry . yep. and of course I'll remember him 'beleter' at me if I failed at this. I want to make my parent and him proud of me. Life knocked me down several times. So this time, let (wait let use xx to represent him kahkah) okay let xx be my pembakar semangat. hangus pun takpe. eh happy-go-lucky deno is back? yey. so I'll stop at here okay. The rest of the other let me keep to myself only. huehue bubye

21 SEPT 2015 /1

It's almost 1 am right now

I just read Izza's blog just now (someone who I adore and I found her in Ig) and damn the comment section really hit me hard. It feels like I've been slapped by a motherfucking chair. I'm super tired and sleepy right now (I just got back from Alor Setar), but the thought of Syz really killing me. I'm shaking. (I always shaking whenever he's up onto something that I don't like or whatever in social media). So I scroll his vsco's grid and yes he uploaded a picture of him with his friends. He did sent me ws messages since I decided to not reply to any of his texts. I just .. dissapointed seeing his pictures with his girlfriend. So I decided to push everyone away from my life. I do considered him as my friend but why this kinda 'jealous' feeling shows up. I feel like I want to throw my phone away when I saw those pictures. I knew it'll never be me in her place. But that feel.. my friend have been taken away by this pretty girl and it hurts me.

So while I was reading the comment.. Izza mentioned that we can't simply throw the relationship away just like that. When I looked back.. damn deanna, all this things that you did ain't fcking cool. Syaz never let my text un-replied for several days like I did. Syaz never complained about who I texted everyday. Syaz never said something bad about me in soacial media like I did. Syaz never complained about my ws's status / Intagram's bio like I did. Syaz never ...

He texted me.. this time he's the one who started the convo. I saw his efforts but I choose not to care. Not one but 3 messages in different days. He's fav/rt my tweet. He tweeted me too but I choose not to care. I feel so terrible. I shouldn't punished him like this. All he did was creating a joke that I didn't like and I choose to run away. I shouldn't end this kind of friendship in this way. I tried to treat people like the way I used to treat him but the respond isn't the same. He knows me well but why I can't understand him. He has his own life too like I did. I've a year gap to settle all my problems and nah.. How could I enter the uni's life next year with the thought of what I did to him is right or wrong.

I always keep telling myself, yeah he have a lot of friends that can cure his lonliness compared to me.. I've no one. Ain is super busy lately so I don't want to bother her with my childish probs. And I keep telling myself about no one ever care about me and so on. I'm nobody in everyone's life. I just.. don't want to repeat all this things anymore. ya lah berbaik dengan syaz lepastu gaduh.. then dua-dua jadi cold pastu I'm the one who apologizes. Repeat! I'm just tired with all these. haih what should I do.. I always making people mad @ me. I want they feel angry at me so they wouldn't forget about my existence. I'm scared that people will forget about me and leave me alone.

So .. tomorrow I just.. reply to his text. Wondering what he'll say to me. I'm ready to let my heart break into pieces. I knew he'll not reply asap as he's in Langkawi right now for his lawn bowl's game. hm
(to be continue)

I didn't ask

I didn't ask for this.

Pushing people away is my last thing to do if something terrible happened. Idk that it happened tonight. All I want is a friend who could understand me. Treat me like I used to treat them. But I'm sorry, I already reached my breaking point. I'm mad , sad, depressed.. all I want to do is .. escape from all of this. I want to delete all my social media so bad but.. I can't. I really miss my friend. Miss the old us. But when I tried to appreciate them.. they just making me feels bad. And syz.. I was so dissapointed. How I wish he never mention any name that I hate in our convo but he did. Syed too. You can say that how childish and immature I am..sentap ke pe.. but I have feelings too. Can people just treat me like .. I am worth to them.. not easily replaceable.Because that is how I feel towards them. it's just.. I've been holding this anger for a long time. All this time I just fake my smile, laugh and everything, but the truth is.. I'm sulking and holding my tears. I don't want people to underestimate me like I'm weak or whatsover.

I want to punch the wall. Regretting everything. Wondering if it's me who causing all this problems. I just want someone to talk to. A real friend. I don't even care right now if there's someone who take my friend away. Just take it. Make them happier than I did. Suprise them with anything. I'm nothing to them. Right now, I decided to shut myself down. I want to enjoy this loneliness. Be able to comfront my weakness alone. There's just one person who can make me feel better at this time but he's too far away. We are disconnected. The only one person who willing to sit in front of me.. searching for my teary eyes and figured out what's wrong. He never mention anyone when we talk or chat and that's what making him so special in my heart . But once upon a time I left him for syz.. I was so stupid.. yet still stupid. I never noticed he's sad for what I did. And now I'm the one who feel the same way he used to. But somehow he still treating me in the same way when we first met. I feel blessed.

I'm sorry for being too annoying.. childish and whatsover. I just can't do this anymore. I'm no longer know how to handle my sadness. Things get even harder. Idk whether it's me or people around me is changing. I choose to be heartless. Being caring and kind doesn't help me to go through this. It's just.. everything is too sweet until the memories itself trying to kill me. I don't want to see anyone atm. There's a chaos happening inside my head right now and it really disturbing. All I want to say is thank you for waking up my inner demon that I try to hide. Trying to make sure that you guys are happy is tiring. I need a long ass rest. I'll try to accept the fact that everyone tried to get rid of me and I'm okay with that.

So what do you want right now? Nothing. I just need him. Someone who know how to spoiled Deanna's mood anytime.

Happy Birthday [Mukhriz]

8 September 2015

Happy Birthday Mukhriz. My first guy friend from highschool. Sorry because I'd decided to not wishing you personally via whatsapp or whatsover. I saw your recent post and I do read the caption.. you said that you want to emphasize the importance of surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you and feel proud to have you exist. Clearly, I'm not one of those. 5 years of our friendship is ain't easy to keep it on the right track and yet .. you choose to push me away from your life. I choose to remain silent even deep in my heart I just.. want to ask them to give my friend back. But I just tired.. tired of the idea..  that it's always me who ask people for their attention while no one ask me for the same things.

You can curse me everything today for not wishing your birthday.. bcs you did the same thing last June. I hope you'll remember me too for doing the same. I guess you just found a better person who can replace my position for this 5 years. I just wanna say , thank you for this amazing 5 years.. having you as my friend is a blessed. We nailed PMR result together and support each other at our lowest during SPM. Now, I choose to let you go.. I want you to amuse others like you did to me. Show them the road to success. Suprise them with your loyalty. On this day, I hope you get a very good result in your exam. I hope you're surrounded bt good people.. people who will help you to shine brighter than ever. I believe that you can achieve your life goals. I hope God gives you the strengths to face all the challenges in life.

I'm sorry for treating you badly this year. If people ask me what's wrong.. I'll say that you're too good for me to be my friend. 5 years is more than enough for me to share my highschool life with you, You're one of my best friend that I've ever had and I never regret that. You're the 9th person who left me. But I'm okay. I hope that one day we'll .. who knows tetiba terjumpa time shopping or somehow. Once again, I'm sorry for making your life harder for this past 5 years. My bad. Enjoy having a new great life and friends.

080997-09.04AM"For the first time I saw you, my heart whispered 'That's your whole world'. Thank you mom"




This is it. The end. I'd lost the battle. Sometimes you just have to let go things that haunting you for ages. Even the closest people around you is actually have bad intentions towards you. It happened to me, my 3 closest friends actually a backstabbers. I was shocked obviously. All this good time that we've been through, you destroy it. I do still remember how you guys said about how bad this one person is and then you'd turned out to be them. It takes courage to faced this. I'm all alone right now. No friends. Its just me with my bloody hand and teary eyes collecting my shattered heart that fell onto the hard ground. How absurd this thing is.. I always be with them whenever things getting hard or else. But when I'm at my lowest, no one stepped out to help me out. But I'm so grateful for all this things that happened in my life, I just can finally see what they're made of. I won't delete our pictures in my instagram. I want to suprise people when they see thos pictures, they wouldn't know there're tragic, horrific and saddest story behind that smiles.

I guess the word 'love' was being manipulated by human to get what they want. People always taking advantages on us. I huess this is one of the reason people who choose engineering have a cold heart. We have a lot of money and caught many eyes, but deep inside we just feel alone. Scared to trust people again. Scared if our backs are being stabbed with katana again. So we'd decided to keep busy with Physics and Mathematics etc. I can't fight for this friendship anymore. It's been polluted by hate. Anyways, whatever happens, I will retire with a crown on my head :)
Living as a youth. The time we found that human personality is very rare. Kita tak penah terlintas pun perangai macam tu macam ini. Ujian hidup weh. Tapi ujian hidup ni satu special. Kita tau Allah still ada attention kt kita. At least hang tak dapat istidraj. Allah tau tahap mana hang boleh tahan. So deno. Move on hati kena *sado emoji* daripada Zul Ariffin. - Syed
I should have gotten drunk to forget all this pain. But now I ain't feel anything. After Isya' last night I do some Istikharah. I really need Him right now because He the only one who always be with me since I was born into this world. I told Him everything. I feel so relieved, all the unsaid words in my mind is finally out. This morning I woke up with swollen eyes, I can accept things that happened last night. I have all this days on my own. No one to contact. I could hang on alone. Waiting for this 4 months to end. I need time to heal myself. It takes time to be fine. I guess everyone had said goodbye in different ways, but still has the same meaning that is leaving. Leaving means forgetting. It's okay for me, the idea of I'm forgotten by people I used to love yesterday. I'll always love my friends and I believed that they'll change to be a better person. But I'm so sorry that it'll be too late because I already left.

When I see you. I'd nothing left to say. All I see is a complete devastating poem that I could write on papers. Maybe all this time we see evil in different point of view. The most kind person could turned out being the most terrible person ever than the one who'd tattooes or holding a gun. But nevermind, don't worry I'd alredy forgive you. Just let go. You'll be you and I'll be me. I guess you're the capters in my book that I'll never read it loud. Maybe it's time for me to feel nothing. It's a fun experience to be able to feel I've everything even in a short time of period. Thank you for the temporary happiness.

Maybe one day when we already grown up, we'll accidentally meet in the streets or whatsover.That time maybe we don't know each other anymore. You'll forget how my face looks like. You'll forget my voice. You'll forget my smile. But in the other hands I'll always remember you. You got the place in mind and no one will be able to replace it. I always pray for you in my prayer. Hoping you'll not ended up being in the same place like me. You're surrounded by nice people. Not like me. Everyone's put high hopes in you. Not like me. My demons finally have a full access to control my mind and body. I'm weak. You're better without me.

I think about continue my day without everyone. I know everyone have replace my spot with someone better. It's okay. I'll never kill myself or slicing my skin or etc. I'll keep myself busy studying for next year. I'm ready for the new experience. Yesterday night was the night that changed me today. 15 August 2015, I'll remember this tragic date forever. The night where the truth is finally spoken. The night where my hands were bloody as hell collecting every pieces of my shattered heart. The night I'd lost my friends. The night where true friends supporting me. The night where the next morning I woke up with swollen eyes. The night I promised to pushed people away. The night I'd lost my trust in every people.

The night where nightmares finally became true in real life.


I got nothing to lose anymore. All this time I've been holding on for too long. I'd rather die compared to let it go. Even my parent hates me. Yaa I admit I cry a lot lately. I'm not good enough for everyone. I feel like I'm the one who burden all of my friends, syz, paiq, meman, nan and so on. All this time I'd thought that if I ever feel alone, just lower my ego and text them first. Be the one who start the convo. I guess it didn't turn out exactly like I want. I couldn't even get a text back. The only reason they told me is they thought that I was busy and they've decided not to bother me. They don't think that I'm stupid whores.. right? Lately I feel like my death is near. If I die.. me myself don't know who will show up. Appreciate me while I'm still alive. They only know how to keep in touch with me when they felt bored or smh.

I'd lost my appetite. Instead od cutting my skin with razor or drinking poison, I'll let myself starve to death. I'm tired. I don't know what's left for me in this world anymore. My home doesn't even feel like home. People in this house always misundertstood me, and I don't have any intention to correct them up. I take all the blame by myself even I'm not doing it. I'm too tired to fight with my parent. Just shouted how stupid I am everyday in this house. I'm no longer care. I'm already dying with the words that cut like Katana. I'm tired healing. I'm not giving up, I'm just done with all this chaotic things.

I enjoy being alone. Writing stuff that I've been thinking all day. Continue writing my online poem books. Because no one wants to hear my stupid, un-important stories about how I feel. I miss my friends. I miss Sufi and Ain's hug. I miss Mukhriz and Haziq's laugh. I choose them over my parent. I knew they've sacrifice a lot of things to keep me alive. But they way they treat me.. I wish I was dead after I was born. All I want is my life right now is a sketchbook, pen, pencil.. I just want my friends closer. I want to protect them from getting into trouble.. I feel like useless right now.Idk what to do now. help.

Seventh Raya (22/7/15)

Bout' to drop an album

I've notice that I never posted post about my first Raya.. My first raya is kinda boring.. nothing interesting to share with you. But anyways I just meet my hot cousin, damn last time I saw him , he's still 12 years old. And now he worked at Perodua servis centre. Conclusion is.. my raya was hambar from day 1 - 6. But not hambar on seventh day because my friends and I had a very good day. (p/s: I got my mum's permission.. not sneaking out like I used to do back then hoho)

So Haziq, Ain & Mukh picked me up at my house at 11am. Mukhriz drove Haziq's car as Haziq's energy were drained and he need to sleep asap. We heading up to Sufi's crib and went to Dominoes. This time we ordered two large pizza because the last time we went there.. we ordered the small sizes of Pizza and me & Mukhriz were fightimg over the last pizza. Sadly, he won. While waiting for pizza to arrive. We shared a lot of stories about their placed.. em not we.. them. It seems fun to enter uni's life huhu. We took a tonned of selfies.. (I never posted in Instagram due to some people that acted rude towards my friends and I) You can checked it in my vsco. I wore white blouse with black jean. Ain and mukhriz wore striped shirt.. Sufi wore Arsenal's jersey. Haziq wore blue-black t's.

After spending a lot of time at dominoes.. (kalut menyembang politik, only me and sufi don't understand what they're talking about) we went to Bukit Air. It always happened when we were hangouts, plan benda lain.. jadi benda lain ugh. At first Mukhriz suggest to go to Empangan but then Sufi said it'll be hot due to that day weather. We took our shoes off. Fyi me, mukhriz & ain wore sneakers.. mana nk pi tau jd mcm ni lol. The highlight of day was the amount of efforts given to take a good shots for pictures. I almost fall into the water hahaha. Alhamdulillah 200+ pictures succesfully taken. Mukhriz's dslr, Ain and Haziq's iphone 6 became the victim. We spent a good time there. Somehow I feel very grateful to have them in my life.. despite a lot of bad things happened to us, we still stick to each other.

On the way home, we swap our kad raya. Ain's card is the cutest among all. For mukhriz, firstly I gave him a sampul raya.. I put my signed picture in there. He deleted my picture in his Ig so that's how I taught him. You can see his reaction video in my averroes account. ahahha I'm a bad friend told ya'. After all, I think they're that one kind of friends that everyone dying to have. Lawa, hensem, cerdik and the most important is that great atittude. God pull one person that so called friend to mine a long time ago in my life.. I never regret to forget her existence. Focus on what I had is enough.

Surround yourself with friends that willing to lift you up with them, not knocked you down and breaks your life.

Jupiter Venus

So yesterday is the first time after 2k years Venus and Jupiter meet each other and their position is side by side. Ya I can't see it from my house because it's blocking by house but my neighbour back there can see the clear view and he sent me the picture via twitter. Aww at least in the end they meet each other jugak so.. I took this advantage to poke Mukhriz. I sent him .. 

" weh sweet gila kan Jupiter dgn Venus meet each other after 2k years.. kita ni dah 6 tahun together, bila pulak turn nak duduk sebelah menyebelah?"

"pikapline (thumbs up emoji)"

Friends don't friendzone each other which is nice. A lot things happened to our friendship actually. By friendship I mean the whole people in the squad. Sadly I'd to remove Haziq  from my life for temporary. Ain met penyu (to me sir I kiut lagi doe). Sufi kind of menyepi (stadi kudd) emm. Can't wait for Raya to receive their cards. I wonder what written in there. kahkah back to old school. I easily get annoyed when someone forwarded messages to me through whatsapp or whatsover. There's no value in there. It's others words, not from her/himself. At least sent me things that came from yourself duhh. Speaking of that.. ya I'm in fight again with Syz. It's indirect fight. He updaye his ws status so he can roasted me, so I roasted him back in wechat. I just.. can't see him love another girl in front of me.. at least let me find my partner first so I won't care about him dah hmm I miss the old days. So many things have changed. ergh

I planned about making a story in wattpad. It's not kind of short story.. novel etc. I just want to write poem? kahkahkah deno tulis puisi doe. Someone plis simbah me with air bungaa 8 baldi. I know no one will ever read it so I could merapu whatever I want. The only escape daripada I bothering hidup org lain. Penat tau dak. Sendiri cari pasal sendiri sakit hati. I just.. want to be loved. Someone actually cared about me. I never been in love actually so I never had any experienced. So last time ain bebel at me because of my atittude.. she asked, what if one day you've a bf, if he merajuk what you gonna do? I simply answered, I'll let him be, pujuk la diri sendiri.. I don't care. Dia keluar hangout dengan girl lain pun aku tak kisah. And she said.. how could I treat someone like that.. maybe that's the reason I've bad luck in relationship . . . ahh another 6 years la I try again *annoyed*

I did edit my blog earlier tadaaa... change my header, picture etc. Today's 2nd July and I want to be a better person (lame) I should planned for my poem cover.. ( can't resist myself from laughing) anyways which me luck that no one will ever find those pitiful poems. I'm gonna cry if that happened. lolo bye #muahrightback

" If you enter into healing, be prepared to lose everything. Healing is a ravaging force to which nithing seems sacred or inviolate. As my original pain releases itself in healing, it rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance."                - Ely Fuller "The Courage To Heal"

title of my blog ^^ :) 


stand up

It's fasting month and Ain had left to Mimet last Sunday. Its ain't even July yet and I'm super duper bored. 4 more month till UniKL release their official letter to me. After that I just have to wait another 3 months. Gosh.. it is 214++ days more. I don't think I can't do this but how can I do. Last 12 June Ain told me that UITM had accepted my ' rayuan UPU '. Its DIP in Mechanical Engineering. Same U with Aina, Anis Syafiqah and etc at Penang. The funny part is.. they release the result at 12 June and asked me to go daftar at 15 June like dude. How tf I settled all my things in 2 days. I told Faiq about that and we promised to not telling anybody about that. Even my parent didn't know about that. Sorry mak .. abah. When my mum is mad.. she'll said that I'm useless because of my unsuccessful rayuan.. I keep telling myself that.. "okay deanna you know the truth.. just swallow those words" . wow I can control my self-stressed nowadays.

I keep asking Ain how the orientation week. Are those fellas out there being nice to you? Do you meet new friends? How about fasi? What activities they they asked you guys to do? Did you met sir effendy? haha calmly she answered those question and keep sending me tonnes of picture. The best part is.. she said she met that sir. OMG *cahaya harapan menyinari* No more crush there. My purpose is. Get a damn good result to impress the lecturer. Level ikhlas : Deanna 999 . After sliding the picture through Instagram, now I feel so scared to go through orientation week. What if everyone is so good-looking and it's just me with this face. Insecure naww. What If I get hate on the first day? What if my classmate didn't like me? During orientation.. all of us must get into the lake ok. I mean not the usual lake.. it's tasik kumbahan. Dude, I rather choose to stay cold in the sea. One more things is maybe I don't mention my Ig's name or whatsover. Even on averroes.. I'll hide my face than facing those seniors that following me. This insecurity things made my confident level went low. Nevermind I still had 200++ days to change that.

So my only problem right now is.. what I'm gonna do to fulfill these days. I ran out of friends. ahhh boringnyaa. I can't sleep all day. It hurts my brain and eyes. My eyes seems makin kabur. aduhhh. So last night I went through pictures to get some positive vibes. And I found this quotes.. it makes me feel excited to do stuffs in my life
"Get excited about the little things. About wearing new outfits for the first time. About Sunday brunches with your best friends. About the new cute guy in the class. About finding an extra dollar in your pocket. About anything that even remotely makes you happy because you grow up, passions fade and enthusiasms get mistaken for foolishness. So don't let the grey world stop you from shining" 

Why I should be sad? All this time I keep giving extra bullet for the wrong people. And I choose to be kind and soft-hearted to others even they didn't like me somehow. I'll do anything to make someone happy. Right now just focused on God. Boys? lol He had decided someone for me and I trusted Him. From now on.. I'll keep searching for new things. I'll go through dictionary to find some new words everyday. Plan a journal or somehow. Spend less time on phone. (For my sake of my eyes) haih.. I hope I could go through this 200 + days doing cool activities. gtg. boii #muahrightback


Hi. It's 11th June. By this 2.20pm. You're gonna be 18 years old. So this is 17 yars old you trying to say goodbye. 18 still cinsidered as teenage life but hey your school's life is officially over. I'm so sorry to be a such a burden for you. I'm not doing my 17 years old life so well. But I'd witnessed everything and learned something from that. I let go some people that don't deserve you. I want your 18 life be so good. Promise me wou won't repeated the same mistake as I did. Live your life. You deserve to be happy like everyone else did. Em I'd bad news to you.. now it is 1.32 am and no one really remembered your birthday.. syaz too. I remember I'm the one who wished him happy birthday last Feb but now where are him.. hmm listen. You don't need hm anymore. One day when you'd succeeded.. don't ever allow him to show up his face in front of you anymore. Dear 18 years old Deanna, after this, please don't trust people easily. I love you. I don't want you to be hurt like me. Keep that good attitude. Grow up. Don't show your weakness in front of other people. Hey last good thing that I do is.. I made you a card. A short story of your 17th life. I'll post it in dynowanted's ig hihi.

You're so not gonna miss me. I'd been backstabbed by my own classmate and old so called friends. My crush even broke my heart. I'm nothing. Sorry.If I could repeat this 17th life. I'll do it. I'm gonna fix my mistake and make sure you don't get hurt like this. But I can't. Dear 18th Deanna.. pay attention to the letter that I'd printed to you. I'd learnt my lessons. Once again promise me you'll further your studt at UniKL MIMET OKAYH? Don't ever let your parent changed that.Whatever happens, please don't hurt your body or mind. I love you. After all, my life isn't bad. I'm so grateful to have friends that support me throught thick and thin and not forgetting my existence. Saiyidah, Aina, Fatin, Anis, Ain, Mukhriz, Cupi, Ajiq and Faiq. Thos little rascals still be on your side Deanna. Please don't loose them. Take care of Faiq for me. That guy have been stressed enough to accompany me. Please don't ever pissed him again by saying layan awek le tu. He'll get mad.  Ahh I can sleep thinking of you. How my 18th life gonna be. It must be my mother scolding me for doing nothing. Lord please... She asked me what I want to eat for my birthday and I answer.. I don't know, it's up to you.. sorry 18th Deanna. I really can't think what's the best food for you. 

em Goodluck getting high cheekbone that you need. lol it seems impossible. Ya I hope you'll spent less time on your phone because tv shows are started to be interesting nowadays. Gosh it so hard to type in this dark room. Sorry for the typo. yeah I think I'll go to sleep right now. Last but not least.. be strong throughout this 18th life.Even the hates that you get seems annoying af, let them be. Don't give any attention to'em. Don't worry about not getting a boyfriend. Hey muka hang tak layak ada bf je pun hahahaha sorry. em. Focus on your study. Stay humble. Don't forget to pray 5 times a day. 

To all my friends, thank you for upporting me even my attitude is like satan baru keluar penjara Ramadhonn. Thank you for making my 17th life cheerful and wonderful. Thank\ you for taking me jalan-jalan without asking duit minyak. Thank you mukhriz yang selalu tak stop kereta and let me lari kejar buka pintu kereta. Fack aku penat tau lari vavi. Thank you ajiq ngn ain selalu belanja makan without worrying duit habis belanja gajah ni. Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you for sanggup tunggu satu sem kat universiti. Thank you for everything guys, Thank you kat Saiyidah and the gang. Kita dapat 8A sesama dulu. Sorry I'd make a mistake when I'm 16 and now I'm regretting it.Padan muka hakuuu.. Anyways.. wherever you are.. study smart weh!! Nanti dah berjaya kita gathering parking lambo sebelah menyebelah je kayh. This is all I could do for you 18th Deanna. Goodluck. Welcome to a new life. New age New Deanna huehue. I love you. Make sure you miss me back kayh!! buhbaii :') 


17th years old Deanna
dynowanted / averroes_ / denonandos

Move Forward

The time had come. I don't know maybe it's just my unstable emotion but... I was so heartbroken these past few days. I'm sad.. I scrolled my Instagram's feed and syaz upload a polaroid pic of him with the girl. I cried so hard. That I decided to block him on Instagram and wechat. I don't want none of his post breaks my heart. I also hide my birthday's notification on facebook. I don't feel any excitement to celebrate my own 18th birthday this year. Everyone are being assholes.. and my parent also pushing me.. said bad things about me and that stressing me off! Luckily that one guy is still by my side, paiq:) tak rasa nak sambut birthday ah tahun ni hmm. pergi ah tido segarkan mata. lel Deanna is always feels great to celebrate her birthday and he remember that. Am not put any high hopes onto him. One day he'll leave to.. found his soulmate. I'm scared that this situation gonna be repeated. Syaz situation. I put high hopes onto him and I'm the one who falls hard while he didn't care at all. I felt like all this time he's using me to escape from all his problems that he had or he just bored no one to talk to. And I always gave him second chance all over again that the reality is he shouldn't get that chance. hmm. Maybe I pros in all things but when it comes to love, I have bad luck in it. I'm not planning to have some type of goals that all teenager in my age want.. all I want is good friends, great job and money. I don't want to forget Him too. I put trust in Him. He knows what's the best for me and I'm waiting for it.

Just now I just change my dp with my pic of syaz and me last year. That's the happiest moment in my life and the greatest memory of all time which changes my life 360 degree. I won't be active using that Ig anymore. Everything there are hurtful. Thanks for the memories. I shall not forget each one of you. I want to have some me time now. I don't want to waste any time from now on. Move forward. I'm responsible for everything that happened. Maybe 2015 is not my year. Maybe it is Ain's year. Something good gonna happen at her. Who knows. I want to start planning again. Drawing dope things again. I want to read books. Maybe everyone around me including my parent hate me right now but hey next year I'll be gone. I planned to get a job on a ship. yep marine engineer. I don't care if I won't get married at the age of 40's. I want to be happy. How I'm supposed to make a guy happy even to myself couldn't do that. Hey once upon a time I was so scared knowing that I'm gonna be alone doing some activity.. from primary to secondary schools. But now, I don't even scared. I take that as a challenge. I'm gonna face all things alone. Doing all things by myself which I always ask Ain to do that. Mukhriz always scold me for that -,-

Yass change for the better. Ain told me that her mum will go to Makkah and she ask her to pray for our success. All of us going to UK for degree, one day InsyaAllah. I will work harder and smarter to achieve that. Please ease our journey dear God. I admit that 2015 is the toughest year in my life. I'm glad to be able to face and feel it. God is testing me and you what it's mean? It's mean God loves me and He remembers me. I shall not forget Him after this. Ramadhan is coming closer and I planned to do many prayer that I could. I don't plan to have a nice relationship with my family member as I knew it gonna be total failure. 6 months is not that long. I bear that in mind. but I pray for good things to happen in my life. Wish me luck!! lol it's like me wishing to myself. gotta go now hiks #muahrightback

January Intake

you guys have to accept that this is the owner of this blog. Will do everything just for Instagram's like. 

It's almost a month that I study in form 6 and hey it isn't that bad! But for sure am not taking the STPM. Physics, Maths T and Chemistry went well for me but not pengajian Am where you have to write those long paragraph about current issues within words not more than 200 or idk. I do get A's in Bahasa Melayu but noo I don't want to face it anymore. Every people or even teachers gave me a weird looks when I said yes I take science stream but I'm leaving soon to UNIKL Mimet next year. And they just like.. unikl? better UITM lagi la sebab diorang dah cut siap2 yuran. Um excuse me do they have Marine engineering course? No. so just shut up. Science stream in STPM is isn't that bad. You just had to focus and do a lot more exercises. The best part is.. there're only 2 boys and 3 girls. I'm the only one Malay. I do enjoy doing calculation compared to reading and writing essays stuff and hey MUET teacher is superb. She make us talk in every lessons. Just speak out topic that you want to talk about. By doing that I speaking skill are getting improved. I friend with Wani and Nureen. They choose Kemanusiaan stream so sometimes we'd to separate classes which I go to the lab and they stayed in the class. The school? I'm annoyed with their system. I prefer Derma compared to this. No ringing bell and more quiet and peaceful. Many people ask me.. when you'll leaving us?

This end of the year. My rayuan seems failes. I failed everyone em. It's a bit sad because Ain got June intake while me... have to wait next Januari. 6 months balanced. I'll continue with my form 6.. dari duk rumah tak buat apa. Even Paiq agree that I go to form 6 first. Pengalaman baru katanya. I miss him, there're a lot of stories I want to share with him.hm I asked this one guy, he got the same intake with me and he said he couldn't wait any longer that he want to keep going with form 6. I'm scared. yep he got the point that January is too long. I'd miss 1 semester compared to first intake. All this stuff sometimes stressed you. ya I do cried. When I pray, sometimes this topic came to my mind and like.. what had I done wrong? Why must He punished me like this? I want that June 2015 intake. and I started crying. Thank God there's no camera in front of face. More ugly than ever dengan hinguih astagaa. Thn again I doa.. I trust Him. Thanks for the rezeki that I'd and will get. Redha with the qada' and qadr. At first I'm mad and then.. who am I want to judge God. Like Sufi had said, good things always comes late. Ain- everything that happened have some 'hikmah'. Mukhriz- at least you got the offer compared to others that unsucessful. All I do is to wait. Pejam celik pejam celik tadaaa December. I said to Ain that.. (joke mode) you know what are the hikmah behind all these? maybe pensyarah effendy tu saja sabotaj rayuan aku so nanti second intake there will be only 2 students which is me and someone.. and he'll said "saja saya sabotaj kamu kalau tak, saya tak boleh rapat dengan kamu Deanna please XD Angan itu percuma and hey I have the best senior that willing to help me pass through this. OMG I'm so lucky. and Ain.. if that turtles get attach to her new friends, I swear I'm gonna put a grenade in front of her door and throw her body into the sea.

Anyway, I'm thankful that I will face a uni life next year with new people and berorientasi alone duhh. I'm excited doing medical check-up, buying stuff and have a long car journey. Lumut and Perlis jauh bapak. Oh I want to be like my idol, vivy yusof, nurulism, miyyo (eh) and oak (she's a painter). I'll try to be a girl like them. Powerful but yet cute and have a great life and friends. (and husband & babies). And I want to try developing abs. lol. hiks.  But deep down in the back of my mind I'm still hoping that.. I'll receive a text message. Anda diterima kemasukan unikl sesi jun I know .. maybe it'll not happen. I just go follow the flow now on. Have faith in Allah. He knows better what are the best for you. For me.. maybe I'll meet my future husband there .. who knows kahkah. It's almost 10pm and I hadn't take any showers yet. so Have a great day ahead people!! #muahrightback


Here I am. Being heartless again. From this now on, I'm gonna fade my existence in the real world. Mukhriz had gone to Kulim. There're just Ain, Ajiq and Cupi. Other than that, I don't want to know about their performance.. their life. It is hurt when the trust that I keep giving tp them.. just smashed like that. I'm scared to trust people right now. Even the senior. I'm gonna teach myself that don't expect too much from things that you're un-sure. Otherwise.. your hearts shattered again. I'm tired to bend my knees; collect the shattered pieces. Glued it again. And repeat with other person. I keep giving chance.. because "chance" that I'll never received.. I tried to give it to one who needs but they did this to me. Don't put people on the edge, thus a worst macabre is born.

I am now. I started to hate people. Every single person whom text me.. I believe that the words that they're sending is lies. I gave my sould to liars. No point of having them anymore. The day I goes into university. You'll see me, walking alone, wearing earphones, hearing some musics that doesn't suits your taste and wear the outfits that nobody ever look at it. It's my choice. People around me betrayed me and I had enough. Painkiller is too strong for me. Sometimes I felt like my life is undeserving. Like Ain said I must put my trust in Allah. Yes I am an I'm always trust Him. I know I'd did domething that very wrong past years which I can't mention but is this how He's gona punnish me. I learnt my lesson. Maybe that time I was so immature and try to do new things but I can't control the wanted feelings. In the end of the day.. I regret everything.

I'd set my walls up. The idea of meet up.. having bbq with classmate for the last time is not gonna happen. Once I hate those guys, I always.. hate 'em. I forgive 'em but the things that they did is unacceptable. Go on with your life. As long as you don't disturb mine, you're fine.


Well hai this is me again lulz who else the author of this blog. So I just want to say goodluck to those who got offer from the upu. Just to make things clear that.. I'd started my study. Yeah a month earlier from you guys. Only to be temporary. While waiting for the official letter from my university. I'd study Math T ( suitable for those who want to pursue his/her study in engineering), Physics.. tomorrow will be Chemistry. I take that just for fun. So for you.. you know who... I don't have time to care what you do, what you'd tweeted and so on. Thus, I don't even care if you want to spend some time with my friends. Look for the 's' bitch. I'm not "bebal" like you to have small quantity of friends. So please don't take serious shit when I tweet something or whatsover.. my blog's post. Because you're not the only one human that I know.. please sedar diri. I'm getting annoyed and I'd to do what I got to do. Don't question it. Ada otak fikir sendiri la laknat. haih sorry I'm just "bengang". Lagi diam lagi la nak menyibuk. Adoyai. Bila kawan "baru" dah menyampah dengan perangai sendiri baru la nak terhegeh datang dekat kawan yang lama. I don't know why we keep giving you chance . tak sampai hati tau nak maki. "tak sampai hati" lulz. Lantak hang la nak buat apa. At least jangan kacau / musnahkan hidup orang. Jangan kacau orang. Nak lingkup. Lingkup sorang2, jangan ajak kawan sekali lingkup. Kesian. Sebab aku dah rasa.

So I met this abang... ceyy abang. We'd something in common. We've been through some bad situation during the past and try to restart all over again by creating new ig. We've been dm'ed via ig. Sometimes, he's giving me some good tips and facts. Somehow I manage to surround myself with positive vibes. Can't wait to see him at university later ceyy. No just kidding. I'll try avoiding him as long as I can. Boleh tahan gedik jugak sometime.. tag hashtag diri sendiri. Untunglah sapa jadi partner sehidup semai dia. While deno mereput single 18 tahun and counting... baru plan nak beraya berdua tahun ni -_- Anyways I want to thank God for giving me oppurtunity to face all this challenge that makes me strong physically and mentally. RIP grammar. It makes me appreciate people that willing to stand beside me even my attitude is like satan finding her partner. I forgive the people who stabbed my back, doing bad things behind me.. nevermind, I forgive you. You're just.. immatured. Hoping people to like you but mad + butthurt when people treat you the way you treat 'em. ceyy ayat twitter sia.

Last but not least.. please, I don't have time to be sad/ piss off/ mad or whatsover from things that you'd done. I have so much things to do in my life and complete my goals. Tweet like you're a saint doesn't make you a sinner. Sometimes things that you tweeted reflected to you. Macam tweet dengan cermin.I choose to be silent. I observed.. think. keep it to myself. Doesn't need to tweet or caption it. Nanti 2 billion users pulak terasa. Anyways Paiq still giving me some good motivation that I need. Boost my intention to work harder and be a better person. Keep it lowkey. I'm sorry if my do things that might piss you off. Not my intention. p/s: I'd never built a wall that separate my friends from other people. You're the one who thinks like that. Pls revaluate yourself.


It's been a long time since I've updated. It still the same.. boring life that I'd to face all day. But I still breathing which is nice. Yeah I'd two ig for reasons.  That first one is for dermarians whch is my friends and whatsover. The second is for the person that I really care tho.. it's easier for me to stalk whatever they did on instagram lel. stalking level: over 999. And I follow this one user and I should call him 'abang' cuz he's older than me. And he commented at one of my picture and somehow I feel ya our soul are like old friends but in the end he 'bye'd me. cilake leknet punya abang kahkah. But nevermind and then I realised. What if.. the banana fruits 2 times in a row maybe 3 4 or5? It scared me a bit.. the idea of meeting new people. Ya they real and if I succeed. I'll study in the same u with 'em. What if they'd something in common with my past friends. "fake". Maybe at first they'll treat you nicely and in the end the'll do something to bring you down. My worst nightmare had become true. Thanks 'friends'. I want to start a brand new classy respect toward each other life. Even people don't like us.. we still like us. We're just a bunch of kids that's being sabotage by so-called-friends and they just left us hanging without the answer of "what had we done?" question. It's not even cool when you do something terrible to your friends just to comfort yourself.

You won this time but one day it'll happened to you back and that time you'll realised how stupid you're. Nevermind, I don't talk much but I still saw what you did. I'm just observing it. If I tweeted or whatsover it means that I still don't grow up. Silence. Maybe silence will stop you from doing all this stuffs but I was wrong. so lantaklah lel. So all I did to fulfill my 'hambar' days is sketching. I wish I could draw faces or people.. but when I do.. my drawings look alike a bunch of monkeys having feast. sobs sobs. And I'm planning to make a journal but nah I'm lazy. Idk what'll happen when I get into university. My roomates may have some kind of depression that cause by me. sorry mates hahaha. Oh ya I pass my driving license kahkah!! I fail at first try. The second time I came.. I forgot to bring my IC and license. Had to getback to Kuala Perlis to pick 'em up. pehh nasib pass doe tak rugi balik. Only god knows how nervous I am cuz I fail at parking slot. What I did to overcome my nervous? ya I sing in the car. Jamming Sam Smith's song. And at the Z part.. I did it well. Thank God the sam JPJ that fails me marks the pass box. Half part of me want to hug me half of the rest felt like to punch him. There's no in between wehee. I can drive legally right now. So the conclusion is.. I'm happy for the life that I've.. things that happened to me.. at least I've great friends around me that sometimes become supporting as fuck and sometimes the evilies satan that I'd ever met. lel bubye


So my days went better than before when I choose not to care. And then I realised that.. oh my, I started to to lose myself. I don't even know me anymore. I'd another instagram's acc which when you see it.. it'll make you think. Is this deno? actually I dedicated that account to Syz and luckily he knew about it and he'll like the picture to notify me that he had read it. lel. Nowadays, I could finished like 3 drawings in one day and that's not normal. I hate it when I finished a lot of drawing. idk it made me feel so stressed. At one point I felt like I want to deactivate all my social media account. but nah. As a batak it's quite hard for me lololo mengaku XD

"Kalau aku jadi orang lain.. hampa nak kawan ngn aku dak?" I sent it in the group and.. mukhriz said that hang okay ah kami terima seadanya.. merendah diri apa. When I'm being serious they'll take it as a joke. This type of friends is a keeper. Btw nick hazwan jonas finally turning into a normal person eventhough he's a famous artist. lel. I want to hug my bistfwin aka my kang gaelly hahaha. When he make that confuse face it looks alike kang gary a bit. Not forgetting syedd!! my ultimate violin's player. (He'd a concert this evening) Apart from that, he's my secret agent.. I told him to spy my long lost enemy there.. once I got my prey.. I wouldn't let it go. ( I thought of being a lion just now with that type of hair around my face and tail behind my back) r u ok deno? lol no.

And I started to live healthy life. I always jog with my primary schoolmates at Bukit Kubu. We climbed the hill.. in the middle of the way nagging about how tired this type of exercise. Nak menyesal naik pun dah tak guna sebab dah smpai puncak. feck mi life. Then there's a day where 200 m more to reach the finished point.. there goes the heavy rain ft lightning.. full speed mak cik mak cik lari doe. RIP paha and betis. I feel bad about next story hahahaha . (day 3: I still can't stop laughing my a$$ off) I was about to take my water bottle and suddenly the helmet fall. It's not regular fall. It fall with some physic and God's power. It roll down and dush.. into the lake. pfft HAHAHHAAHA luckily the God loves us.. 8 less people saw the incindent. My friend is the one who went into the lake to take that poor helmet while me.. still laughing. HAHAHHAHA that's the higlight of the April's month. Hoping for sado body lel gtg beii


So it's been hectic days.. first of all, yesterday I got driving lessons and the first two tries it seemed like I nailed it. Call the jpj and I'm gonna pass bitch!! not so long after that.. I messed up with the step and the car stuck at the boarder aand my teacher wasn't there. Luckily there's a teacher volunteered to solve the problems. Malu Ba b!! ahahahahaha I can't express how many people there.. Idk whether they witnessed the incident or nah. After that I just okay I'm done. Then my teacher came and laughed when I told him about the incident. bruh didn't you ever mad? Deanna tried to destroy your car just now -_- "hahahaha hang loqlaq, bila nak bawak aku pi jenjalan?" That's what Syz said. Bro, you can get killed if I'm the driver. While syed, "aku nak pi cerita kat satu sekola senior bawak kereta naik tembok." If i ever know that someone from school knew about this, tau la aku nak tonyoh muka sapa. And my teacher confidently booked the JPJ's test this Thursday. You can see the 'help me' sign in my smile and I hope he's understand but nah you can do it Deanna and your future is getting your P this Thursday. When I told him about my 'z' problem, he just like okay a day before the test, I'll monitor you doing the z. Fck det.

Later that night, I just collected all my physical and spiritual energy to ws Nandos. pfft you know who if you know me well. It's been 20+ days since he never replied my messages. sobs sobs. And he replied like blaming me for dissapear too long.. eh?  and I told him yeah I'm so sad like he abandoned me for some unknown reason and I told all stuff that happened to faiq and he just .. eh?? *laugh ft cry emoji* he said that He's busy with all bahas thingy but that crazy kid aka syz online for 24 hrs. "aku akan reply selagi yang termampu" bodoe la ayat hahhaaha If you see I'm tweeting or post anything that related about rabbit.. it refers to nandos. I sent him baby rabbit's picture with caption.. kawan eh?  he replied with thumbs up emoji.. gebu macam nan. I thought that there'll be an awkward situation. Deanna is so scary as fck when she's flirting with someone. But nah, he replied.. "kann.. hahahaha" I WANT TO SQUEEZE HIS FACE LIKE SQUISHY DOLL!! ok chill. Yeah he's short but his head is big enough.. no wonder his exam result way to high than stars. because he's a God. ok again chill weh.His physical appearance makes me want to ugh.. I mean gomoi him la like a cat. See? that's why you should consider marrying me because I'm way too sweet than candy lulz.

But anyways if some of you messages me or whatever but I took so long to reply. I'm away playing games or I'm not with my phone. I played kim kadeshen stuff game but get too annoyed when that bij willo pepe or whatsover her name make my followers gone. dck ya biyatch. aand I played farm stuff game. shiptown. addme!! haha lulz kbye


Nothing changed. It's just like the usual days. There's me drawing.. sleeping and even chilling on the bed all day. I'd driving lessons just now and things get more ugly day by day. I can't even pass the 'Z' part which I cursed a lot in the car as the teacher are not in there. Everybody just looking at me with weird expression. Maybe they never saw a girl cursing kut lol. I met Bellon there. Dah QTI doe. Untunglah. So ya I do get some offers but I swear to God I never tell you about the details. I'll leave you with 'read' signs if you asks me via ws. Things get pretty messed up. Honestly, I think that sometimes people around me have mental issues somehow that whatever my friends or I did.. they'll hate it and posted in group's message. Why acted like you're 8 when you're 18. Maybe you just think ya melawak ja mental buat apa.. but at some point thats joke broke someone's heart and I'm not good handling heartbroken people. Just say something shit but I never replied or whatsover.. I'll just read and closed my eyes. How do people tend to do this. You do have your partner (bf/gf) but why need to bother other's life. Our sadness is your happiness? ok have  a blessed life with that shitty attitude. May your friends didn't leave you. And now my friends and I are really upsets about how things going and we're done. Do something what makes your happy.. let us down if that what you want. But may I asked you something? Aren't we using your fuel's money when we hangout? Aren't we brought you girlfriend / boyfriend? Aren't we spamming you whatsapp? Aren't we? So let's make things clear. You do tell us what we did wrong and we tell you our sins so you can sharpen your knife. Don't you guys ever message any of us asking where do we study because our answer will be the same. The school life had ended but you guys never planned to end all this things. This called bullying. 

This is beyond our imagination. How dare you could do this to your so called friends. Maybe we're facing satans not people. People won't do this because they can think logically what's right or wrong. Whatever. Goodluck. I feel bad for dereksyener but you guys still have the band while mine had splitting. So I just text Syz asking man, I got some serious question to ask you, may i? Silakan.. Tf you'd leave 1D? I don't feel comfortable with Louis. Leknet !! hahahaha his face is way out of the league to compare with Zayn hahaha. I mad at him a while ago but Deanna will always be Deanna. The one who say sorry first. I hate myself for being too kind. haih One week to go till Faiq's back. Nk smuggle cukup2 kahkah. As you know I'm always refers Siti as my mum and Haziq as my father. Yesterday I got some big news hahaha. Musang just called me 'nak' like ntahla nakk. Since when you're becoming my father? since I found you at the side of main road. Someone left you there. I don't have gut to leave you alone. dejehh hahahaha. I'm so grateful to have humourous friends. Even there's one bij that can't reply my ws because his wifi is facing tough times. #prayforsafwanswifi . oh yaa  haritu (lupa dh bi haha) I downloaded this game apps called japanese doll.

I see it on my timeline that the games had some untold mystery somehow. So I just downloaded it without even thinking that the post could be true. First when I played it.. I got some headache somehow but I feel dizzy. The next day when I'm with my friends.. there's so much bad things happened.. untill mukhriz's call me bad luck. The highlight of the day when Ain's mum called and somehow mad at her for unknown reasons. That's the time when I just okayy.. just uninstall before anything worst happened or someone dead. But pls. Don't downloaded it. Sincerely me.